My First Post (Day 6)

Submitted by hankhill77 on
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Hey Everyone,

This is my first post here after discovering last weekend. After going through that site I realized that porn and masturbation may be causing the issues that have been haunting me for most of my 20's (I am 29 today).

I would like to tell you guys my story, I don't really talk about it too much and it's just nice to compare notes with people who actually understand.

I started using the internet to masturbate in my late teens. At first it was just to still photos because I did not know of any good video sites back then. There were so many images of beautiful airbrushed women I would just keep going through different pictures or different women until I finally finished. At this point I still hadn't noticed any sexual issues and thought I was just enjoying myself.

Then at around age 19 or so I moved on to video porn, I would use video porn usually at least once a day, most days it was more like 2-3.

I have always been a breast man so eventually I start masturbating to only girls with big fake breasts. Eventually girls with normal natural breasts did nothing for me.

In my early 20's is when I started to notice issues developing. I just wasn't attracted to normal women that I would see every day anymore. When I tried to be with one sexually I just didn't feel all that turned on, the best way to describe how I felt was "blah". This started happening even when I was around girls who I had previously been extremely attracted too...

I soon noticed that Psychological ED was becoming a serious issue. I found ED to be extremely embarrassing so it has lead to many years of being alone without attempting sex. I am not a virgin, but I have had very limited sexual experience in my 20's. The last time I tired was about a year ago. I used cialis which helped me to get an erection after several minutes of her stimulating me with her hand. But I was unable to have an orgasm in her vagina. I had to pull out and let her finish me with her hand while I was secretly thinking about porn.

I couldn't really figure out what was going on with me, I thought it might be porn/masturbation related, but I have stopped for 7-10 days in the past without my erections getting better(just increased libido). I even thought at some point that I might just be one of those guys who is gay without realizing it, even though I have never been attracted to men and have been heavily attracted to women since even before puberty.

I can see now that my problems were because my brain has become only attracted to internet porn. I also realize that it is most likely going to take more than 7-10 days for me to reboot, that is why it wasn't helping in the past.

Given that I have been masturbating to porn for almost a decade now I know this is not going to happen overnight. I am just going to play it day by day until I feel like I have rebooted. I am hoping it happens within 90 days but I am not going to set a specific goal for days, the goal is just to be rebooted no matter how long it takes.

So today is the 6th day, I wouldn't say it's been easy, but easier this time around since I have done this in the past, and I am much more motivated this time around after reading other peoples success.

So far I have just been becoming increasingly horny every day. I have not yet flat lined like some people do. My genitals feel like they are about 1000 degrees. My morning wood has been back most mornings, but not today for some reason. But I still feel like I am not as attracted to real women as much as I should be and ED would still be present if I was with a real girl.

As soon as I feel like I am ready I am going to try my best to have sex with a girl and not to masturbate again, but if I have to masturbate I will do so only to my sensations.

Side note: I also believe that all this masturbating lead to the famous "death grip" problem which I am hoping this helps with also.

Wish me luck!


Seeing some results after 6 days is a good sign - the morning wood that is. But as you have read, the pendulum can swing back and forth. Either way, your brain will heal.

I wish you luck! You are in

I wish you luck! You are in a similar situation like me and like others: grey12, likeanidiot... and... many others.
I, too, have decided to be patient as long as it takes and that the number of weeks or months is not relevant. Today I am on day 47 and I am not giving this up no matter what.
This site really helps and should keep you motivated. Let's follow each other's development and see how that works!

Yeah, as Piper says, your

Yeah, as Piper says, your story is very similar to a lot of our stories..

You sound like you have a great attitude about this. If there were somewhere I could bet money on you seeing this through, I would definitely put down a decent sum. Smile

On a warning note, if your pattern goes anything like the rest of us, you will soon hit some low-dopamine withdrawal lows - gloomy, blah, sexually unmotivated. Maybe you won't, but it might be good to know that it's very normal and expected if you do.. I'm on day 16 and I think I'm through the worst of the gloominess - things are really starting to brighten up - but about day 5 to day 12 were pretty tough. Also non-linear recovery - good day, bad day, good day etc. As Marnia says, like a pendulum. I wouldn't say that my sensitivity is fully restored yet, but I'm definitely more sensitive, and like I say hopefully through the worst of the doldrums..

Best of luck to you and welcome. Stay strong Smile


Congratulations on taking the biggest step and that is to start this journey. I also had the thoughts of may be i was gay (even though i don't have the remotest desire to touch a guy) and then perhaps i was better off/made to live a celibate/religious/spiritual life. I guess until we found these forums we're just desperate for something to explain something that appears to be totally out of our control.

I too found Viagra didn't really work, though helped a little it is no use unless you can get the blood down there in the first place, which is impossible unless the mind is willing to talk correctly to the young general.

My morning erection issue is a strange one, i was pretty much ok with morning wood (unless a real heave 3-5 MB session the night before) but since abstaining i'm having very weak (if any) morning wood though over the last day or so i think its got slightly stronger, but nothing significant. As already stated elsewhere a lot of this stuff is not linear and sometimes we take 1 step back to take 2 steps forward.

It definately requires a lifestyle changing removing P, the days we tick down because we cant wait to get laid as soon as possible, i feel a bit like a teenager again in that respect...eagerly awaiting 'when will it happen' rather than previously a more defeated 'when will it ever happen???'

Good luck on your journey, the first few days i found the hardest in terms of physical urges to do something, then a phase of habit/boredom driving my desire to do so, now i'm just in this grey zone (which i expected), just waiting to come out of that now, most probably will be weeks or months in my case.

Take care

Right on, Vis! Isn't it

Right on, Vis! Isn't it funny how we all had the same kind of thoughts? Your first paragraph reminds me of myself... This is good because it shows that you are a generally optimistic person - despite the problems you were thinking about finding some other meaning... I believe optimism should help us here.
It's also good you're saying viagra doesn't work. I was thinking at some point about medications like that.
Don't worry about morning erections: I didn't get any first 2-3 weeks. Then I started getting some. I've had one the last 3 days, I think. You'll get them, don't worry about it! Many of us are in a gray zone, so we'll see - hopefully, the fog lifts soon.
Good luck to you! I follow your recovery - keep us updated.

Yeah, a friend and I were

Yeah, a friend and I were talking about confusions of sexual orientation. He said, "I've been having trouble figuring it out. I go on the internet and I see something that makes me think I'm heterosexual, then I see something that makes me think I'm homosexual, but then I see something else that makes me think I'm heterosexual. I've come to the conclusion that I'm pornosexual!"

Waw! Honestly, I never

Honestly, I never thought I was homosexual - I never felt attracted to any guy whatsoever. Like I never wanted to kiss one. When I see a girl I'm attracted to I usually want to kiss her and then do other things with her. But then, when it's not working with women you start thinking that maybe you're repressing something deep in yourself, despite all the attraction to females. I mean, I'd be in the open if I were gay, but I'm pretty confident that's not the case: I have never fantasized about men, and aways - about women. Then, I started thinking maybe I'm turning asexual... But how could that be - if I was still fantasizing about women and watching heterosexual porno?! Then I started thinking it's definitely not about orientation but about functionality... Then I started researching things, and then I luckily ended up here. Smile


Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. It's nice to know I are not alone. And thank you Gary and Marnia for creating these sites to help people in our situation. It's really nice of you guys to do this for us.

Today, day 7, is going well so far. I have still not hit that gray area yet. I have been horny as hell these past few days but haven't come close to breaking down.

Several Tools

I have several ways I cope with this.

After work the first thing I do is really hard vigorous exercise. If you have heard of the home workout system P90X, it is a really hard workout, when I am done with that I usually feel less horny and too tired to PMO anyway.

I also have been meditating twice a day. First thing in the morning and right before bed. These are the times I would most likely normally be masturbating so it helps fill that time void. During meditation I can often feel my horniness strongly, but I just try to actually enjoy the sensations I am feeling without the need to touch myself or to fantasize about anything.

Meditation is also useful in helping me fall asleep. Normally that last nighttime PMO session would put me out for the night. By the end of my evening meditation I am usually very relaxed and fall asleep withing minutes of getting into bed afterword.

Weekends are tougher because of more free time. I take some cold showers(I could probably use one right after this post lol), watch my favorite sports teams, read, stay away from any potential triggers. Spend time with family and friends. I also have a part time business I work on over the weekends that keeps my mind off sex.

The feeling of extreme warmth and tingling in the genitals has been with me pretty consistently for the past 5 days no matter what I do, but these tools help me to keep my mind off of it.

I also try to keep the mind set that I just can't PMO. It's not an option. My mental health and sexual health are too important to me to give in. I am a good guy and deserve better than just porn.

I'm glad I asked

I'm sure that list will be very helpful to others here (including lurkers). Force of will is important, but exercise, meditation and socializing can make the process a lot more...bearable.

Thanks for the feedback

Thanks for the kind words regarding positivity & general feedback Piper, i can't wait for the morning woody to get stronger as i'm sure i'll feel like im making more progress, i'll be sure to let you know when i get it Smile

Regards to Viagra, i would only suggest it if you are feeling extremely anxious about failure the first time you try, but then i have heard others state that they were so horny despite being extremely anxious that they got a woody anyway so that seems to me a more natural way to do it, afterall every teenage boy is v.nervous the first time right, just he's so horny it overrides the anxiousness then the pleasure/experiences replace anxiousness/fear in his brain so that is probably the way i will try (no Viagra as it's not really the problem i want the neural pathways to become more resistant to anxiousness not rely on a tab).

The homosexual thing can get even worse when it comes to porn, it's almost as though the producers know what they're doing. I read somewhere that a guy with PMO issues would only get turned on with gay porn. Now i never got to that stage, but due to those flick booths that i tried when on holiday a transexual scene came on (screen flicked random channels every few mins/secs) and although i never had that "kwoh i wanna be there feeling", it was begining to get arousing but in a strange curious way.

There was a c*ck, some t!ts, a womans face, kissing w*nking, bl*w jobs it was like a strange collage of independent cues all wizzing around that didn't make sense entirely to me as im not that way inclined but there was a weak underlying link between all the pertinent cues that was making it arousing. I assume the weak links were making my mind think more (about sex) to try to work it out subconciously so my mind was getting a new high without me realising. I never watched the stuff again, but it's amazing how this stuff can really affect your thinking. I know some people for example even get to the extreme of beastiality, but surely they don't walk around thinking "Wow check out the udders on that cow" they? Smile

In short excessive PMO is a real mindf*ck


the producers do know what they're doing. According to a presentation given by a couple who infiltrated the porn industry, the ultimate goal of the producers is to lead users down a path of more and more extreme stuff, until they are hooked on child porn. That way the shame factor *keeps* them hooked and unwilling to seek help. I got that second-hand from a sexologist who had attended a week-long program at which the couple spoke. Transsexual porn is probably calculatingly used the same way along that path. The (straight) user becomes confused, anxious, seeks even more relief via porn, and, despairing, and won't even seek help.

These porn producers should

These porn producers should be held accountable for their actions, which should be criminalized. I am by far not a prude - quite the opposite (as my history shows, etc.) and I am all about free speech and expression. I don't even think porn should be completely banned. But if there really is a calculated motive on the part of producers, attempting to harm people's psychy and lead to addictive behavior with health consequences, we really need to think hard of, and talk about, what this all means.


It's so interesting how this stuff effects your mind. For me, I was always just focused on really really sexy women, but as time went on I could only masturbate to women with huge fake breasts and the scenes i needed were getting more and more intense with screaming unrealistic orgasms.

That is called

"tolerance," and it's a sign of an addiction process at work in the mind. The nasty thing is, you think it's your own will "desiring" whatever it is, when it's just an old binge mechanism at work in your brain. Sad

Just to play devils advocate

and not to take away from the experiences and conclusions made based on these experiences. It's worth noting that often when reasearch is done, particularly around topics such as this that divide opinion based on moral/religious grounds, that the researcher has an opinion prior to the research and simply sources evidence to support their arguement.

I personally doubt very much that all or even most porn producers have a cunning plan to get us on to child porn as those mainstream producers make money out of legal ventures and dont profit from underground illegal porn.

Secondly despite the fact those producers enjoy sex and videoing it for cash, that does not mean they would actively lead viewers down a path to viewing it as the have their own children too. There is no positive correlation between being a supporter of porn (and i'm in that camp) and being a supporter of child abuse.

I would say though that continual excessive use does have the potential to lead a person down that route, but i down believe it is by design (as far as the porn industry is concerned) rather it is an unfortunate and sickening side effect that can manifest if the PMO abuse is excessive enough.

Another concept that is often bouted around from hardened anti-porn activists is that the girls have no choice and therefore its effectively rape.

1) I find that hugely disrespectful to rape victims

2) Many women choose to have public sex, in the UK there is a 'dogging' craze where women (from all walks of life) meet there partners to have sex while others watch, on other occassions the women go and have sex with strangers. Many escorts to are educated, with law, accountancy degrees, married, in full time etc.

3) The views are often based on late 60's early 70's environment where morals and attitudes were different to now, perhaps in those days it was unthinkable for a woman to do such things unless she was in real need of cash, that is not the case today.

4) The case is always made with regard to the women yet the men in the movies get no such sympathy from the anti-porn fanatics.

5) Rough sex - all i would say on this point is that my ex loved rough sex and she had never watched a porno in her life, and in fact she introduced me to the concept of it and i was the one that was a little apprehensive about it first. The point i make is that when a woman takes the submissive role that does not necessarily equate to her being victimised. Similarly the anti-porn fanatics make no reference to men, tied up, kicked in the knackers, caused pain etc...yet arguably there is more porn where the man is submissive than the female.

For the avoidance of doubt i am anti-porn based on my own situation and misuse of this widely available and largely legal 'drug'.

Anyway, i digressed, my apologies rant over.

These are my views only, others are free to disagree.


Actually, I agree with you

and I realize my post seemed to imply that "all porn makers" have such agendas. I don't believe that. However, I have no reason to disbelieve that there are porn makers out there, like the ones who created the melange of sexual cues with a transsexual theme that you described, who know exactly what they're doing in ratcheting up visitors' sexual tastes with more extreme material. It's to their interest to hook your limbic systems so you return, whether or not you consciously know why. They do have a strategy. It's apparent from the results they're getting.

Is it all their "fault?" No. But when they claim that they're just meeting the demand of their consumers, I think they're being disingenuous. They're *creating* sexual tastes, not responding to them in many situations. It's to their advantage to make users think the users are in control, that the users really WANT transsexual porn, or minor-style porn, etc. This is a form of mind-control for commercial ends, if you think about it. Advertisers use it all the time.

I found your comments about the transsexual material you caught a glimpse of really insightful. I have wondered what the appeal of transsexual porn is. Gay guys don't want to see it. Transsexual isn't a "sexual orientation." It isn't found in nature, so we wouldn't have evolved to want to see it. It's not a thing that most users would go looking for...unless they've strategically been manipulated by porn site makers.

What transsexual porn a way to combine powerful sexual cues that normally can't be combined. It's a strong message to the limbic system of the brain in other words. It combines viewers' favorite sexual cues: breasts, erect penis, BJ, masturbation, etc in one visual. The limbic brain, which can't reason and doesn't know such a thing doesn't exist in nature, just says, "Oooh! Oooh! This is extra HOT!" On top of that, like homosexual porn for a straight guy, or rape porn for a gay guy, it's shocking and therefore exciting.