a serious addiction surfaces

Submitted by Centered on
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Just when I thought things were really turning around I've hit another major brick wall. I completely humiliated myself when being called out on whether or not I was homosexual, I was unable to confidently say that I am not. I am losing my mind. I was not born this way at all.

I have suppressed my sexual energy with women to the point where my mind seeks other ways to release that energy. The quickest way possible. This has led to me seeking release from the most readily available source which has been anonymous encounters with other men online. I get to the point where we arrange the meeting and that's as far as it goes. From there, I feel repulsed and guilty for giving into this pleasure out of pure selfishness. I've always seen myself with a women but because of these impulse actions in the last year it has allowed my mind to drift. Though, I know deep down this is not what I want or what I am genuinely attracted to. It is now the fear of turning homosexual that has me completely lost in my mind.

This experience of being humiliated in front of several people has now put a seemingly permanent fear into my brain every time I look at another male or female. My best friend of 5 years left that night saying he can't sleep over my house because he thought I had sexual feelings for him. When really it was just the fear in me that was allowing him to think that way. The sad part is, a couple hours earlier to this point we were discussing how we were going to be life long business partners. Now it's making me doubt myself and the mind wanders to dark places I want nothing to do with. Pornography has killed my mind. I've really gone off the deep end and I need some major help.

It is worthy to note I was under the influence of psychedelic drugs during this humiliating experience and so was my friend. This drug makes you experience emotions so intensely, so you can imagine what self-destruction this has caused. Now that I think about it, these thoughts first came while I was under the influence of some sort of drug. Marijuana and porn especially has caused these unwanted thoughts.

My lack of success with women due to suppression of sexual energy has also led me to have thoughts about literally anything that walks. Anything that can bring me pleasure has no boundaries at this point, not even family. Looking back, the thoughts never went very deep but just the brief moment of questioning that I thought was all harmless and innocent since I never act on the impulses and I never really consciously looked back to these moments of thoughts until now. My mind is very confused and I think this comes down to sexual addiction.

Please, someone guide me down the right path.

Welcome

Hi,
Sorry you are having such a tough time. I think you diagnosed yourself correctly - you have a sexual addiction. I assume you are using porn. Porn can alter your brain and lead one down some strange corridors, including acting out. When dopamine and the reward circuit is out of balance, anything is possible.
Have you visited www.yourbrainonporn.com? If not, start with my presentation - Your Brain On Porn Series.
http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series

As you know, only you can decide your sexual orientation. As one gay man wrote on the subject of straight men hooked on gay porn said:
"Rule #1 - If you think you are straight, then you are".
"Rule #2 - Repeat rule #1"
Maybe this applies to you, maybe it doesn't. But if you haven't already, go to the following links. The information there, and associated links, may give you insight.

‘Straight Men, Gay Porn’ and Other Brain Map Mysteries
http://yourbrainonporn.com/straight-men-gay-porn-and-other-brain-map-mys...

Losing at Porn Roulette
http://yourbrainonporn.com/losing-at-porn-roulette

I'm straight, but I'm attracted to transsexual or gay porn. What's up?
http://yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us-iam-attracted-to-gay-transsexual

My thoughts are that you will only know your true self, and sexual orientation, once you rebalance your brain.

Good luck to you

HOCD seems to be an accurate

HOCD seems to be an accurate diagnosis of what is going on. I've always obsessed on my thoughts even from a young age. Poverty, illness, death, abandonment, rejection. This experience has allowed me to find a lot of underlying issues as well and although I may not see it now I know I'll be a better person in the long run for this.

For others who are suffering, this helped greatly.

Rule one: If you say you are heterosexual, then you are. Period.
Rule two: There are no other rules.

"The sufferer has to let go of the thoughts with a "Yeah, whatever" attitude and, above all, not react to them emotionally. When OCD sufferers freak out, they strengthen the hold OCD has on them."

This is what I'm going through right now and I've been through many battles mentally and physically but I'm not about to let some obsessive thoughts sprung from intentional manipulation of the human mind for monetary gain slow me down. It's just another hurdle I've got to jump in this experience of life.

Are you

willing to unhook from porn for a couple of months? I think that would be the best way to get "centered." Smile

Start a blog if you like. Keep us informed of your progress.

And remember, for your brain, shocking, daring porn and "possibilities" are a drug trip. To a brain low on dopamine, such a neurochemical trip is instant "medicine." The content is as irrelevant as cartoons.

In short, you can never find out who you are while following additive impulses around. Once your brain returns to balance, you may find you don't have any such questions.

*big hug*

I took a long nap today

I took a long nap today after last nights partying and already feel more balanced. The drugs really had me hyped up over it.

I've been experimenting with sexual energy since I always supressed it because of social conditioning. While on drugs, I'm on an elevated spiritual realm and can feel the "vibes" of the room. I was literally making girls turn red just by gazing into their eyes and thinking about them sexually without saying a single word.

A male started talking to me and I was still playing with energy at this point and I got a similar response from him as the girls where he basically submits himself in a way and feels insecure/unconfident. Since this was all happening in front of a group of people, an HOCD thought came and it was all downhill from there. I was confused by his response since it seemed similar to girls so I translated this into me putting forth sexual energy towards him.

Somehow I feel this information is relevant. We are all seeking enlightenment in some shape or form and I'm learning that this energy I'm speaking of is important to understand. I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense to you guys since I was after all on some pretty intense drugs but I have a feeling you do :)

Centered,

I for one would suggest getting the drugs out of the equation. Our brains are working to rebalance itself and that takes time and it's going to be tough. The withdrawl symptoms are a sign that your body recognizes it's out of balance and it will start to rebalance itself and you have to endure the withdrawl in order to heal. The drugs you add to your internal environment, your body, will only throw that balance out of whack again. Just reading your description clearly tells me that they alter your thought patterns. You cannot tell what other people are thinking with any certainty even when you are sober. All you can do is interpret what their body language is telling you. If your brain is imbalanced from the drugs, it will concoct whatever interpretation you want it to be, not exactly what is the truth mind you. I'm sure you've had friends that have gotten a little too drunk and done some dumb things, well they didn't think it was dumb at the time they did them and they knew what they were thinking at the time, they weren't trying to GUESS what was in someone else's thoughts. How may times have you heard them say after the fact when they were sober "man that was dumb"?

Here's a story where I've seen this exact situation myself. I went to a house party that a friend once had. One of our mutual friends that came was an agent for actors. He brought along one of his clients, Corey Haim along with his girlfriend at the time.

The evening went along great and everyone was having a good time. As the night wore on Corey was starting to have an even more 'good time' disappearing into the bathroom quite often. By the end of it he was so wasted on whatever he was taking that he made a complete ass of himself. Everyone at the party distanced themselves from him and to this day we still think back and talk about that night. I'm sure that in his own mind he was totally coherent and in control. But that was far far from the truth as he sat in a deck chair drooling over himself. The Lost Boys was always a favourite flick of mine but once I saw him in person and saw what he had become, it took the life out if it for me.

I have no problem with the occasional escape. But you have to ask yourself if you WANT to have an escape or if you NEED to have an escape. If it is a need, you've got a problem there and it needs to be dealt with sooner than later and before anything else.

I'm sure we all know what ended up for Corey,

R.I.P Corey Haim.

W.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge"
Einstein

"We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are."
Max Depree

Be the kind of person that when you wake up in the morning the devils says, "Oh Crap, It's up!"

Drugs+Porn/Sex addiction =

Drugs+Porn/Sex addiction = VERY bad idea.
I can totally relate to one thing, being on drugs while in a porn/sex addiction can alter your mind in
incredable ways, 99% of the time, its negative.
The last time I did cannabis, I got a strange urge to look at gay porn, it appeared seemingly out of no where, however when I
checked out the gay porn, it didn't do anything for me. I scrolled through a ton of videos and images, but didn't find any of them
to my liking. So where did that strange and odd urge to view it come from?
I have a theory, a porn/sex addicts brain has messed up dopamine, drugs obviously mess up dopamine in the brain, so its
like mixing one drug with another, in a sense. Your reward circuitry goes into overdrive mode and starts thinking of things
you find dirty/shocking and tries to make them arousing to you, thats my belief at least.

I have a gay friend who recently slept with a woman after being on ecstasy, he protested he wasn't strait afterwards even
though he admitted to enjoying the experience. He said it simply felt wrong to him and although he got some pleasure from it,
he would never do it sober and he believed the ecstasy effected him in a way that made him find female bodies arousing for a time, because they aren't usually arousing and are "wrong" to him, in the gay community they admire beauty for itself-thats it, there isn't lust there, so being lustful towards a woman for a gay man is wrong, just like a strait man getting an urge to view transexual or gay porn, its "wrong" to them and their core beliefs/orientation.
This is someone without a sex addiction (presumably) so just think what drugs are doing to YOUR brain.

The fact of the matter is, drugs alter the mind and if you want to get out of this, your probably going to have to give them up, at least until you re-balance your brain, there is no easy way out or quick fix, you'll have to put a lot of effort in, but the people on this site will support you and give you enough information to get started.

If you decide to take this journey, good luck! :)

good advice, all

When scientists get male fruit flies drunk they start humping other males. Many people take dopamine increasing drugs for Parkinson's disease - because they are dopamine deficient. Recent studies show that up to 25% of patients on these drugs come down with addictive or compulsive disorders - and they are low on dopamine to begin with. A common side effect is hyersexuality, and switching sexual orientation. Lawsuits against drug companies claim the drugs made patients gay.

I wonder how many porn users (in the US) are using dopamine raising drugs, such as the ones for ADHD and restless legs syndrome. The use of the both porn and ADD drugs is on the rise.

A possible homeopathic use

A possible homeopathic use for porn in treating Parkinson's? Or might we prescribe better bonding?

Do people really become gay or do they remain aware somewhere of their orientation? Maybe the dopamine spikes in recent times have shifted the population to being more gay. Might there be genetic or other intergenerational changes? Disclaimer: I mean nothing at all against what people are or choose to be.

Maybe it's a societal pendulum swing

At one time, sex was in the closet, and now many people are trying things they would *never* have tried, and which in fact where illegal.

Also, the more people that watch porn, they more they see more of their own sex's bodies in highly aroused states, in arousing situations. Lots of them are shaved, just like the women. Nothing like the porn from just 10-15 years ago (Seen anything with Ron "the hedgehog" Jeremy in it?)

Lots of "straight" porn has lesbian sex scenes. Wink A fair number of straight women like watching gay porn.

Most people are not a pure Kinsey Scale 1 or 10.

Quizure