My Frustration and Social anxiety crap

Submitted by nevergiveup on
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Thanks for your time.
So I said I was gonna do 3 weeks, I've tried over and over again and keeep failing. Even though I put the laptop away I still failed on my own. All I can do is think about sex. I live in my house because even though I could go out with people I hate how I act in front of them, all shy and unable to say what I need to say and if that's how its gonna be I'm not gonna take that crap. It's like I get in front of people and a heart attack fear comes over me. This definitely ruins my life because I am unable to have friends and get a girlfriend and do all these wonderful things I wanna do. and for those of you reading this thinking "just go out you idiot" I dont wantto go out because its gonna be lame, Im just gonna have heart attacks the whole time and feel horrible fear, so its not worth it. and yes I have put effort to change this for 4 years but its just not budging. From what I read from other people quitting masturbation and porn removes social anxiety, so my social anxiety crap could very well be caused by porn and masturbation, unfortunately I seem to have trouble getting a streak goin, I know I can get it done though. I'm gonna keep trying to get a streak going because i want to get a month under my belt before summer time comes along. By the way, I know I have a cool personality and could potentially be cool with a lot of people but unfortunately I keep getting horrible fear in front of them and its unbearable. anyone else had experiences with this?

do you drink a lot of

do you drink a lot of caffeine?

I've found that although it's a nice short term pick me up and might be ok in moderation, it has really contributed to all kinds of anxiety in my life. esp a feeling of my heart beating out of my chest.

if you do drink a lot, i recommend cutting it out.

also, try to exercise. this should help with anxiety.

Try Manageable Milestones

It took you a long time to get to this point, it's not likely to change back over night. Try manageable milestones where you do baby steps to overcome social stress. Start off by doing something like going to a mall or a local park sitting on a bench and observing people. It gets you outta the house and away from your comfort zone, yet doesn't subject you to direct interaction with people. Get comfortable doing this a few times then progress to something like having a meal at a sit-down restaurant and asking the waiter/ waitress the specials. Be with friends you trust and go to places you'd be comfortable going with them.

Try to move forward, but at the same time make sure you're not feeling overwhelmed (over-stressed). Think positive! No negative self-talk allowed.

Don't Ever Give Up!

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You mean I'm supposed to just enjoy her company?

As someone who has fought

As someone who has fought anxiety off and on during my life, are you sure your anxiety is caused by PMO or could you PMO be a way of dealing with anxiety? Have you ever talked to a psychologist or psychiatrist about your anxiety?

Anxiety takes some work to conquer. One tool I learned was exposure therapy where you visit a social or anxiety causing situation for a short time, and then keep doing it, extending the length and building confidence.

Even people who have it under control can have setbacks from time-to-time. One thing I am working hard on is understand who I really am and what situations I want to be in. Some people just aren't wired for hanging out in large groups. I tend to prefer smaller gatherings like a few couples.

Hmm.. Thats a good question,

Hmm.. Thats a good question, which came first the chicken or the egg? the anxiety causes a need to fallback on PMO or PMO causes the anxiety itself. There's only one way to find out and that is to actually go through the six weeks and see what happens. This abstinence from PMO is very very difficult. It takes a lot of mental strength because you want to be at the end of the 6 weeks so badly but also you have to go thru everyday one day at a time so it's very challenging. It's also tough denying yourself something you want, its like being a parent or authority figure on yourself and telling yourself, "NO!". which can be very annoying because no one likes being told no and telling yourself no almost feels like your betraying yourself and this is something I realize I have issues with. I hate being disciplined and disciplining myself. I'm a hard head and dont like admitting my wrongs. It's childish behavior but what can I say. Also sometimes you don't know which is better, to suffer 6 weeks or to have an orgasm now. This is all very challenging but I won't give up, I have faith in a brighter future. Please reply.

I wrote this in a similar

I wrote this in a similar thread and think it might be useful to you as well:

I think abstaining might help you a let but my guess is it might not be sufficient by itself.

All teh contemplative traditions I am familiar with, Budhism, Taoism, Yoga, kabalah++ agree that it is the resistance towards feeling unpleasurable emotions that most increase them. In Budhism they seperate pain from suffering. Pain would be the initial fear you feel in a social situation. Suffering arises only as a consequence of resisting pain. So by thinking oh no I feel fear, that is just horrible, oh no I can`t possibly live with this, go away etc. etc. you are sort of mounting an attack of tension against the fear that in fact increases it tenfold. That way an initial often small fear turns into full scale anxiety attacks. In addition to increasing the bad feeling this strategy also has the added consequence of the bad feeling staying. If one alows oneself to feel whatever negative emotions arises it will normally just pass in a while or at least become much less.

This view on how to relate to emotions is now being supported in teh western scientific community through the research into teh therapies attention and commitment therapy and mindfulness based cogntive therapy. Both these therapies rely mainly on this one psychological principle I tried to explain. Both therapies now have tons of studies showing the give far, far better results than otehr therapies such as conventional cognitive therapy (which is also very good) and psychotherapy (which can sometimes do good).

There is a book called the mindfulness and acceptance workobook for anxiety (or something like that) that I think you should read. You can find it on amazon. Other books on MBCT or ACT are rpobably good as well.

I would read teh following articles at shinzen.org: a pain processing algorythm and a synopsis of shinzens book break through pain (to understand the pain vs sufffering distinction) and the panic cycle and the escaping into life and equanimity articles. These will give you a good understanding of what I tried to say.

I also highly recomend you learn some qigong, yoga, tai chi and or meditation. Springforestqigong.com has great beginers dvds that has gotten consistently great feedback and are easy enough to learn by yourself. If you practice say 20 min a day for 4 weeks you have got to have started to feel a lot better IMO. You can do it as an experiment. Do it for a few weeks even if you don\t yet feel benefits. It usually takes some time to start to feel it working.

Once you have gotten into some moving qigong, yoga or meditation I highly recomend the standing meditation posture Wuji for you. It works particulary well on reducing anxiety.

Bruce Frantzis Longevity Breathing DVD could also be good for you.

The inner smile meditation I also recomend a lot.

You might need to work on some social skills. Read the book written by wayne Juggler Elise about picking up women. It has a lot of great stuff about general social skills that are aplicable in all social situations. It will help you make friends. also consider working with one of his coaches in phone sessions or attending one of his workshops.