When to set aside ejaculation/orgasm abstinence while solo?

Submitted by freedom on
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I’ve got to reality check by rationalizing brain. I’m not talking at about porn abstinence. I have no interest in porn. Every now and then I get this nagging feeling that I could be somehow making more progress if I wasn’t as rigid about abstaining from orgasm and ejaculation. For me, sex isn’t that likely an immediate reality even if I found a partner. Perhaps that feeds my nagging brain. I more or less cannot experiment in any way because of that policy of abstinence. That isn’t necessarily bad as it keeps the dopamine from sexual inputs as low as possible. I’m confident that two highly compatible partners can work through just about anything and that intent trumps expertise much of the time. Older men are often better in bed because they’ve resolved their mental issues and can be more other focused. I conclude this internal nagging is just some brain worms due to the goings on my life. It’s pretty easy to read something here or elsewhere and have my brain start cooking up what might be worth doing. It’s a shifted form of craving in some sense. Others here have been less rigid and much more lenient about masturbating without porn routine or what not. I don’t want to masturbate. I’m also aware that experimenting might lead me backwards down the road. Even partner sex has done that for some. There’s more positive to real sex. That’s not the issue here. The issue is getting used to ejaculation or orgasm again might undue my efforts. Even these thoughts sometimes make me feel like I’m losing ground. I’d rather avoid withdrawal and all. I had enough of that.

I guess this is just the reality of being single and not PMOing like the rest of society. I know someone is going to say socialize more. I am and will do more. At the moment I’m a little limited and maybe that is feeding the brain worms. I’m also in an interesting spot where the vast majority of women are looking lovely. I’m not in the right setting presently to put that into personal use, but it seems I’m on a decent trajectory. I don’t want to undo that for some silly experimentation that is likely to lead to nothing.

That brings up an unrelated

That brings up an unrelated thought about how I should perhaps meditate more. I've not been able to get the hang of it for the most part. Meditation to me seems to be about honing that inner voice to become instinctual so as to function in the way a lion catches prey without much thought. We are programed to look outside ourself for everything when in reality little of the external viewpoints matter at all. That outward seeking supports the rationalizations that cause the trouble.

I'm curious about possible middle grounds. I suspect there might be some I've not considered even though you are correct in that I likely know my right answer.

You're Doing What I'm Doing...

Making excuses. You're rationalizing through the experiences of others (living vicariously) and assuming the problems (or mistakes) others are having will also happen to you. Rest assured your experiences will be different. You're being too cautious.

In your case (and mine) from a singles perspective, I think orgasming with a partner is a much different experience than orgasm from porn. It's just a different world that we're having trouble stepping into. At least in my case, since it's been so long.

In my mind, my goal is to have no substitute orgasm with porn or masturbation. If a desirable woman fell into my lap and said, "Let's get it on!" I'd get right to it (overriding any no-PMO plan I had). I thought the main objective was to ditch the substitute alternative and go for the real deal and not be celibate forever. Remember, you're human. It's OK to feel pleasure, just don't over do it for long periods of time (like PMO tends to do). So, I wouldn't get too hung up on maintaining minimum dopamine levels. The experience of companionship should win out.

You're dipping your toe in the water checking to see how cold it is. The problem is you're more likely to talk yourself outta getting in. Sometimes it's best to just jump in and get the initial shock over with quickly. Ya know, kinda like rippin' off a band-aid. Jump!

Think positive. No negative self talk allowed. Give yourself some respect so others can give you respect. Allow the mistakes to happen. You'll learn from them as you go. Expect to go through many interactions. You're not gonna find your ideal companion the first time out.

(sings) Might as well jump. JUMP!

You mean I'm supposed to just enjoy her company?

I'm a little confused.

I'm a little confused. Wasn't the gist of what I said that I'm abstaining? I have no desire to masturbate or orgasm per se. There are some things that my mind sometimes thinks I want to try that might lead to orgasm. That's not a sure thing, but when your sensitivity is high it is a real possibility. I resist because I'm with you on the no substitutes path. I'm not planning to be celibate forever even though it might seem like that at times. Pleasure isn't only going to come from a partner. A partner is only part of my overall plan. I can get pleasure from lots of sources in the interim. I didn't mean to suggest a focus on lower dopamine, but I'd rather not go through withdrawal without it being for some worthwhile purpose. I'm hearing you to say there is no worthwhile purpose at all other than real humans. I tend to agree with that. But the brain does it's wondering at times.

I'm not sure what exactly you mean by jumping in. Porn or not I am who I've been. That keeps me out of lots of things for a variety of reasons.

I allow mistakes to happen and do learn from them. My problem dating-wise is finding the right real world place to meet woman. I'm interested in a compounded, limited subset of women. Even among those most don't interest me. That makes for a lot of worn out shoe leather without some luck. I've had women interested in me before I'm interested in them. Then something tends to go wrong where one or both of use kills the process. I'm not looking for something just sexual or short-term if I see there is no possible future. I look at it as a series of nows. If in the now, I want another, that's about as good as it will get.

Trying again...

I interpreted abstaining to mean reboot (for a time) and avoid porn & masturbation, not real sex or companionship.

What I mean by 'jump' is whatever your next step is that you're apprehensive of doing. So rather than keep pondering what-if scenarios, just JUMP! The longer you think about it, the harder it is to do it and the more you're gonna dream up reasons why you can't (take the next step).

Looking for a limited subset of women? Are you surfing porn again? The perfect woman ain't out there. At least not til you've dated her for 6 months or so. Chances are, you're not gonna meet your dream chick where you might think. I predict you'll meet her at your local post office. [bigsmile]

Maybe consider Meetup.com. Just doing a quick review in my area, there's a recreational group walk, a meetup for coffee, a biker's meetup, kayaking/ paddling a local river meetup, a potluck meetup, beers & board games meetup, etc... All kinds of reasons for people to meet other people. It's not dating so there's no pressure to impress or get rejected. I'll have to see about going to one.

Look into something like that. Even if it's just mingling with old/ young men & women you know you won't be attracted to. Keep an open mind, loosen up, and try to enjoy everyone's company. It'll be good practice so when ya do meet that certain woman you'll be ready to enjoy each other's company.

You mean I'm just supposed to enjoy her company?

I've not avoided real

I've not avoided real options. But I'm not just looking for sex.

All in or out is good. But just jumping around isn't always. Next steps can be retrogressive.

I seek no perfect women cause there is none. I mean a broad subset. We all do this by looking first for male/female, age range, race, etc. I'm not talking about minor physical/personality characteristics. If I want sex, any female might do. If I want companionship and better sex that comes with that, it's a different ballgame. My options are numerically much more limited due to my choice of subset. That said, there are enough choices. I've not been doing what I need to do to seek them out. I've resisted the abyss of online dating.

You're right about where you meet people. It's part of the reason I'm not an online dating fan. I've done meetup and other social events. But again, because of my subset, lot's of that isn't very productive. I go to events I might enjoy and don't worry too much about meeting anyone. I enjoy the company and occasionally a good chat. Many meetup groups are too big to intimately meet people. I don't connect to many people male or female. Folks latch onto me. But for a partner I want to feel the connection too. It's not much to ask for. It does happen now and then so I know it is possible. I want to enjoy her company. We both deserve no less.

I don't try to impress when dating. I just am myself. Take me or leave me. I don't feel rejected at all if it doesn't work out. I'm not perfect, she's not perfect, and we're more likely than not to not work out. Still there can be good interaction in the moment and we can both learn about the world.