I haven't posted in a while but a renewed interest in exploring Karezza, in the face of continuing uncertainty about its logic, wisdom and effectiveness, makes me keen to record my thoughts.
During the last year or so, my wife and I have found ourselves spending a lot of time away from home, staying in strange houses, sleeping in unusual beds, with a seemingly never ending variety of constraints on our lovemaking. This has left us, at times, confused about what we most want to do, sexually, on the occasions when we do get the chance. Karezza was something we had always enjoyed, without ever wanting to do it all the time; but not having the luxury of time, we discovered we hardly wanted to do it at all! Almost by default, we fell into frenzied coupling that satisfied our immediate craving but left us feeling a little disjointed.
More recently, we've been in a situation that's made it virtually impossible to make love at all, and hard to express much affection. This has had the inevitable effect of dulling us towards each other. We started getting cynical, and a bit ratty. So we devised a scheme for having twice weekly Karezza, on set days; with a promise to avoid orgasm, We have three months set aside for this, before our situation changes again, leaving us alone in our own home with all the time and space we enjoyed previously.
We're one month into this regime now, and although it's going swimmingly, in terms of keeping to schedule and resisting the temptation to get over heated, I have to report mixed feelings. The first problem is, we're largely confined to our bedroom, and evenings. I don't know whether it's because we associate our bed with sleep, or we're naturally tired at that time of day; but it generally isn't much more than thirty minutes after we've 'started', that my wife asks plaintively whether it's time to stop – that is, if she hasn't fallen asleep already!
Don't get me wrong: a half hour of gentle intercourse, with occasional changes of position, mild stimulation, and murmurs of endearment and contentment, is extremely agreeable; and falling asleep in each others arms while still joined at the genitals is certainly nothing to complain about. And yet … pleasant as it is … delightful in every way … I find it doesn't fully satisfy me. I'm aware of desiring something else. It isn't orgasm, particularly, that I miss, so much as the build up to orgasm – perhaps in particular the succession of moments where I change from being someone who is doing things to my wife (kissing, touching, etc.) to someone who is moving in concert with her.
Prior to starting the recent emphasis on Karezza, I read 'Slow Sex' by Diana Richardson. I thoroughly recommend it, for those who want a straightforward primer.. Two things stood out from my first reading. One was that the norm for the sort of lovemaking she advised – which is indistinguishable from Karezza – was a duration of two to three hours. The other was her wry admission that immediate expectations of ecstasy were liable to be disappointed.
I'm disappointed on both counts. We don't seem to be able to sustain interest in continuing Karezza for much more than half an hour; and unless I'm mistaken over what ecstasy is, we're not experiencing it. In many ways, I could liken our current lovemaking to watching a sunset. Every time is different; every time is agreeable; but after a certain number, my attention starts to wander. I enjoy sunsets, but not so much I want to watch them without end.
I'm trying not to let my thoughts about Karezza affect my experience of it. To me, it still makes little sense to repeatedly have intercourse, experience excitation, and yet not end it. The key word here is 'repeatedly'. Occasionally, as a form of meditation on the joys of communion, Karezza makes perfect sense. We've used it that way for years. Orgasm, though, seems to me to have a wider purpose, well beyond any procreative one.
Anyway, be that as it may, I will be interested to see how the next few weeks unfold.