to bi (sexual) or not be - gay porn addict again

Submitted by castaway on
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Hey, its been a long time since i've been here but its a high time for me to start sharing my experiences again...

I've been in relationsheep with a girl for 4 years now, had a huge porn problem before, as well as during the relationships, about one year before I told her that I might be bisexual, she accepted it. Unfortunettly telling it didn't change to much in my had, actually made it worse as I started having cravings for homosexual hard porn. Since that time I am watching it like once every 3-4 weeks, always promesing myself it was the last time. Its not like one watch, rather like 2-3 hours with hundrets of gay porns, mastubating during that time even 3 or 4 times. U know how I feel after then...

I ve been really satisfied with the real sex life, SHE is a great support for me - I just can not understand why I have to go back to homo porn ? I've started to wander if not to try a gay sex as I might be gay (as I'm watchinhg gay porn and it turns me on) . On the other hand I dont want to lose and hurt her... I even told her I might want to arange a gay meeting just to masturbate and She accepted it... I'm just to affraid to try as it might be just a start...

I decided to move out for a few weeks after living together for a 3 years as I dont know what I want. Actually at this moment I feel like watching gay porn all the time - before yestarday had a 2 months break from it - I was happy to manage but unfortunettely when I didn't watch it it came back in in my dreams, so anyway I felt like after watching it...

I'll be reallly greatfull for any comments on my post as I just don't know what to do, my head is such a mess...The most important for me at this moment as I'm not with her is to stop watching it all the time and start using my brain... Thats wht I've written it and hope it will help;>

I'm wondering if its possible to accept that U are bisexual, live as a straight and not to watch gay/bisexual porn?

Castaway

I sure don't know the answer to your question, but

I found this article really interesting: "Mythbusting Bisexual Men"

http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/mythbusting-bisexual-men/

Sounds like you have two issues here. One is porn use, and strange as it seems...it might be good to start with that one, as binging can do strange things to one's cravings and tastes. Have you visited "Your Brain On Porn?" http://yourbrainonporn.com/ Also http://yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us-iam-attracted-to-gay-transsexual

didnt expect to get answer just need to focus on any solution

Dear Marnia

I didn't expected giving me the straight answer, it is obvious for me that I neeed to figure it out myself. Anyway I spent all night yesterday masturbating and the fact i wrote it on the forum helped me to get asleep, so great thanks for the possibility and answer of course.

Yes I ve got 2 issues here. 1st is I'm not sure - actually I'm quaite sure I am bi, 2nd is I'm hooked on porn. And that 2 are so complicated. The problem is that lthough I am aware of my bi orientation I don't feel like gay or bisexual for the most of my time (like 90 % iI am really ok), and on the other hand once for a while (10 Wacko it does come (specially when I am overtired) when I have this desire to watch men body... And unfortunattly this works for me with starting porn again, what does finishes with spending a few days with gay porn and masturbating again.

There were many times I managed to control myself during such moments, lately I wasnt watching porn or mastubate for two months, but suddenly this desire for man was so strong...

I'm wondering if You have You have ideas of what to do when I really feel like missing my bisexual part of life in the way that doesn't need to finish with hard porn and masturbating for a few nights? As when I start porn I'm back with my porn addiction so I'm sure I shouldnt do it... But on the other hand it's the easiest way to put the pressure away but for sure not for a porn addict...

Thanks for all Your comments, really apriciate this. (sorry for all the grammar mistakes)

Castaway

My guess is that

binging to exhaustion reduces anxiety for a time because it drops your dopamine. Unfortunately, you can't separate that temporary "relief" from the cycle that follows it...unless you want to reboot your brain completely. Did you watch the videos here? http://yourbrainonporn.com/

After you do, have a look here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/i-relapsed-what-now

Sexuality can get tied to all kinds of things that have nothing to do with orientation. Very confusing. There's a great piece by a gay guy on his site saying, "If you're not sure you're gay, you're not gay." Period. It's under the second link in my previous post.

You may find it hard to concentrate just now, due to the "hangover" from too much masturbation to porn. But do your best to watch those videos. You cannot change your behavior until you understand why you're changing it.

ive read

somewhere that a man's orientation hardly if ever changes and that it is pretty much set in stone by the time you are a teenager.
I too have some hocd but I can literally pinpoint the exact moment when it started and know the reasons behind it. Im 100 percent sure im not bi or gay and I know that its just my brain playing tricks on me so in order to combat it I think like this. If im gay or bi so be it il accept it and deal with it. thinking like this frees you and inturn makes you feel less guilty if you allow yourself to think its not a bad thing your brain cuts off the thoughts from the anxiety dopamine feeling and the thoughts pass quickly.

p.s.

the day mine started is that I was researching for why i had, had ed with my gf
and found a list and one of them was being gay I had never for a second even thought about it and then i questioned could it be that i am!? then i would see a guy and think no i dont want to think he looks good and snap i began to compulse over it it took me a while to free myself from the thoughts but I know that orientation doesnt change and that this is just another problem started from stupid porn. dont worry I know it feels like hell but im telling accept the feelings and when the anxiety is seperated the brain will no longer have a reason to torture you with the thoughts.

I have seen

this answer given (probably gay) to a lot of men with porn-induced ED on other forums and Q&A websites. I cannot correct this mistake as I am not a member, or the question is closed.

thoughts

Marnia, Srtito,

thanks for You reply, it was a first time for me I found the phrase HOCD. I've read about it and do have all the sympoms (doesnt matter if it really exists - actually its always good to know that You re not allone with Your worries), and understood that actually after trying to accept that I am bisexual it doesn't have to be that I am... It is so confusing...

I really like your advice just to accept the thoughts, thats what my girlfriend has been telling me for a year almost. But the problem so fat was that e.g. there were one month of not thinking obout my problem at all - I felt happy with the hetero sex, and one day it is just comming BANG, and all the sh.t starts again, am I gay? am I bi? am I hetero? Just to relive myself from this thoughts I start to wath gay porn and it helps not to think about it during watching porn - during such a moments I feel like my brain is off, and unfortunattely I ve lost the ability to switch my brain off in the other way - by sport or reading the book or anythink...

What Im sure of is that I need to find a way to relax, "switch the brain off" in the way that is not called porn.

Marnia Im starting to watch all the movies, hope it will inspire me to better change and give me opportunity to understand...

Great thanks 4 inspirations (nothing new 4 U perhaps, but a milestone for me;>)

Next step to recovery

Hello Marnia,

I 've spent almost 2 weeks trying not to spend to much time on Internet, trying to do some sport instead of porn watching. It was quite all right unless once after visiting sauna I got exited and spent one night watching porn again... unfortunately I got back to my smoking addiction becouse of this situation.

But anyway I've watched all the movies on www.yourbrainonporn, and I'm really greatfull for Your advice to do it. It explaines a lot for me, I am finally on the way of understanding my hyperstimulation needs, have talked again with my girlfriend about my need to try the gentle way of sex, she undertands it and we're going to try it again. What more - I see that I just need to live my live instead of thinking of if I am gay/bi or straight. Hope that sincerity in my relationship will be a great help.

I am really interested in Your theory about my need for hyperstymulation. Thanks in advance;>

Castawy

If you're asking

"Why do I, castaway, need hyperstimulation?" I can only say that it's because you're a mammal. Smile

We think that when we mammals overdo it, our brains assume something *really valuable* is around, and our brains wire up more permanent (but not necessarily permanent) changes that help us locate the things it associates with those "really valuable" experiences in the future. See "Has Evolution Trained Our Brains to Gorge on Food and Sex?" http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201004/has-evo...

If seeing something hotter, or more forbidden (or even more anxiety producing) got wired in your brain as a "valuable (i.e., high-dopamine producing)" thing, then cues related to that will seem like "a part of who you really are" because they are wired into your reward circuitry. You will be especially desperate for them when you're desperate for dopamine during the low part of withdrawal, or even the low part of the normal orgasm cycle. (See "The Passion Cycle" http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200908/the-pas...) That's why gentle karezza is so helpful during a reboot. You get the benefits of closeness, without the neurochemical joy ride and crash.

So basically, you need hyperstimulation because you overdid it in the past. Your brain can change back, but it takes time. Did you read the Doidge excerpts? http://www.reuniting.info/node/1808

Sexual confusion

I don't know that this will help, but I'm 38 and went through a period in my teens and 20's when I struggled with accepting my bisexuality. This was before the era of high-speed porn, so I didn't have that factor adding to the confusion, but I was still confused and ashamed nonetheless. Like you, I couldn't imagine myself ever living romantically with a man. I didn't want to kiss them or be intimate in the close, cuddling way I desired with girls. But I did have sex with boys in high school and college. Then I met and married my wife, after dating mostly women in college. For me, my greatest fear at the time was that I was really gay and thus shouldn't marry her. At that time, I believed the myth that there is no such thing as a bisexual. It didn't matter to me that I loved her and enjoyed sex with her and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. If I was gay, that nixed the possibility of marriage. Gradually I came to accept that I was bisexual, and that this didn't preclude marriage to a woman by any means. So my advice is that the best thing you can do is come to terms that this is part of who you are. Accept that there may be times in your hetero relationship when you fantasize about sex with men. Looking at gay porn is obviously something that causes you a tremendous amount of guilt, and in fact that guilt may be blowing all your neuro-chemical fuses and causing the porn binge. So try to get over the guilt. Give yourself permission to indulge your fantasies; there's nothing wrong with it. Accept yourself and allow yourself to be the sexual person you are, and you may find the porn issue becomes more manageable, and one day you can cut it out entirely. It's promising that your significant other is supportive of you. Many women would dump a man who binges on gay porn, without a second thought. Let her continue to help you through this.

hey, since you are bisexual

I have HOCD, I had a bad porn addiction, and ended up watching gay porn. But my problem is that I dont enjoy watching gay porn at all. It really disgusts me. And gives me bad anxiety. I am wondering, since you are bisexual, what does it feel like to be bisexual? I dont have a desire for men. And Its not like I feel guilty about watching gay porn. I just dont like watching it and never enjoy it, but it gives that shock and anxiety kick. From history, I can tell I never had a crush on a guy or even a passing thought about homosexuality or bisexuality, before this illness started for me, I have always been confident I was straight. I have always loved women. And still do not desire men. It just feels so sickening and surreal.

Hey!

t just feels so sickening and surreal.

BUT...arousing. And that's all your limbic system cares about during withdrawal. It's trying to make you anxious enough to grab your "meds." If you avoid them for long enough, it'll start looking around for other rewarding experiences, more in line with your underlying tastes.

I know you're anxious. But please check the dates of the posts you respond to. If you want an answer from this guy, for example, you will probably have to PM him. He's no longer a regular.

Best cure for this anxiety is to turn your attention to something else. You strengthen the unwanted brain pathways every time you focus on them. Sad Have you watched Gary's presentation? It will really help you understand what's going on in your brain. http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series

*big hug*

spiked

yeah I am having that problem, the anxiety is building up, and it is trying to make me grab the meds again. I just wont...I wont go back to that garbage....I am going through a withdraw + OCD spike. I want to MB so bad, but I am not going to, and nothing will be able to force me to. Now I think about it, I dont want an answer from him, he will spike me and all this progress will go down the toilet. I have watched gary's presentation...it was informative....but there is always that lingering fear inside me, telling me every second that I must be gay. I dont want to have sex with another dude, I would rather kill myself first, too much anxiety......I am paranoid. Am I different from this kafaesq guy? I think I am, because I have a mental illness and a porn problem, and I have never liked men and always found tis stuff to be disgusting....just sickening....and just so surreal....I am so saddened, I would give everything to be me again....sigh...OCD has changed everything for me, I dont even know my underlying tastes anymore....it seems everyday, this sickness just clouds my mind. And also I am not about to indulge in this crap, because I would have a cardiac arrest...it is just so sickening

Thanks for the encouragement Marnia

I know it is too early to say I even made any progress, but sometimes when I am calm, I feel like I dont get aroused by this stuff anymore, it just kind of leaves me. But when the anxiety kicks in, omg, I want to kill myself (not literally), because the thoughts suddenly become arousing and the anxiety goes over the roof and then comes the urges. That is why I want to be calm all the time, and just let this stuff leave me. Let it leave, and let the anxiety and shock and fear leave too. If it just leaves me, I can be me again. I want my life back. I think the biggest difference between me and these two people, is that I get anxiety and fear and shock from this stuff, they obviously do not. And they would indulge themselves in it. But I just find it to be sickening. they feel guilty that they like this stuff. However I dont feel guilty, I just feel sickened. Sickened to the core. You are right, I need to give it more time. It has only been 2 and half days. The withdraws are terrible. I get paranoid fears, and my mind is always trying to convince me to find a reason to MB. I am resisting with alot of cold water and alot of cold showers. Why! why did I even get on this runaway train in the first place!?! I wish Porn was never invented, then I would not be here. I always find when I am calm, I do not find this stuff arousing at all. It makes me sick to MB, I hate MBing, I really do. It is sickening.

*puts wet, cool cloth on General's forehead*

The "real" you is the calm you. When those spikes show up, THANK your brain. Tell it you know it's just trying to get you your "meds," but that you're going through withdrawal so you won't need them anymore. And then turn your attention to something else.

Are you exercising a lot? It helps a LOT with anxiety.

Lots of hope again

Marnia thank's for articles - gives me lot of hope, Kafkaaesque - thanks for sharing Your experiences, it's alway helpfull to read similar to mine stories;> I'm starting brain rebooting again, trying to get over guilt as I find it the most disturbing at the moment ;>

Let U know obout my progresses;>

1st day again

It hasn't suprised me, but here I am - the 1 st day again. Yesterday I spend 4 hours on p/m...

What I have noticed lately - I am more keen to go back to p/m when I know that my girlfriend is out of home. Once i know she out 4 evening - feel like my brain has a plan for me and I feel like what is going to happen is not to being to stop! It looks actually like I am waiting for her to go out, to let me do p/m. I tried sport, meeting friends during her going outs but the thought that she is out is still in my head and it feels like masturbating plan has to be implement... Does anyone have similar experiences?

I've been with reuniting for 18 months and just wonder if it is not a time to consult a specialist again. I did it like one year ago (man who is said to be the best sexologist in my city) and what he told me was not to limit my sexual desires. I didn't agree as I know it may be unlimited and that was a huge problem... I paid a lot for the advice I didnt agree with... I just wonder how to choose a specialist, that can be really helpfull?

Kafkaesque wrote: "accept that there may be times in your hetero relationship when you fantasize about sex with men", I tried to accept it and it was all right 4 a while. Unfortunattely aceepting means not fighting with the toughts as they come, and if Your not doing it they might tend to steal Your brain finally and it may finish with porn:< It's so confusing there is no one way of doing sth good or bad...

Castaway

A number of men here

have mentioned that being at home alone was a major trigger for porn use. THAT's why you need to have porn blockers on your computer...or have taken other protective measures. See: http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change#computer

I belong to an academic sexology listserve, and I am constantly amazed by the fact that sexologists do not receive one day's training in the science of addiction or pair-bonding. So they are in complete denial about both concepts...even as the neuroscientists are discovering really essential bits of knowledge about human sexuality and mating.

The "follow your urges" advice is incredibly dangerous for any brain that is sensitive to dopamine dysregulation (escalates). The advice assumes you will be satisfied if (and only if) you follow your urges. However, it would be evident to anyone who knew the least bit about how the brain's reward circuitry works, that more stimulation doesn't necessarily equal more satisfaction. Worse yet, it can actually exaggerate your urges...indefinitely. Then you can get caught in a downward spiral. As one of you said recently:

Back in the day of dial-up Internet, I was only able to download the occasional picture (very soft-porn) due to bad/slow Internet and actually not knowing where to find all the smuttery. But now with high-speed being so common, even to mobile phones, it has made me continuously watch more and more and at higher quality, which could sometimes become a whole day affair looking for the perfect one to finish on. It never ever satisfies. “Need more” the brain always says…such a lie.

And if things get really crazy the sexologists will just tell you that you are "expressing who you really are" or that you had a pre-existing condition that disposed you toward addiction...so their advice wasn't the problem. It's truly frightening, because men who succeed in getting away from Internet porn almost always say they feel "more like who they really are."