The first step of the journey

Submitted by radon on
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Hi, I'm Radon, and I was a porn addict since about 12 years of age. I'm a 26 years old guy, living in central Europe, now on the way to recovery.

I never had any addictions before, but I did bit my nails until about the age of 12 and now I don't think that was just a coincidence that I stopped about the time I started to use porn. I had a mild addiction to caffeine in my teens thanks to overconsumption of cola which I was able to get rid of when I realized it.

I have a girlfriend since about 2 years, before that I had a 6 year long relationship. We were really struggling with our relationship since about 6 months with my current girlfriend. I never had enough sex, and I did masturbated about two times a day using porn. I didn't have a problem going in the bed with her on the rare occasions (about once per week) when she got in the mood.

The problem was that she rarely got in the mood. I really didn't enjoyed masturbating to porn much, so I tried to convince her to give me hand and blowjobs, but she said that she can't really do that, because she thinks I would never have enough.

I had tons of fantasies about a lot of sexual things (thanks to porn), so I urged her that we go try out swinger clubs, which we did on some occasions. I really enjoyed the trips and made a lot of my fantasies come true. She didn't really enjoyed most of the encounters, because there weren't enough good looking guys in the clubs. The women take care of themselves, unfortunately the guys not really, they are in bad shape, etc. Later we tried to make just private parties with couples that appealed to us both. It was kinda fun, but when our relationship deteriorated further we stopped these get-togethers completely (since about 4 months).

I realized that I'm extremely anxious and restless every day if I don't "get my fix", so I decided that I masturbate two times a day, every day, so that I don't pressure her to have sex, which I tought was the problem with our relationship. I realized that we have a different level of libido, because I really liked having two orgasms a day, and she originally wanted sex every 1 or 2 days only, that was waay to few for me, so I tried to get her going more and more, and she wanted it less and less.

Later I realized that if I do masturbate in the morning or in early afternoon than I get a "brain fog" and I can't really do anything productive. I didn't had any other idea how to solve this problem with my girlfriend, apart from numbing my brain with a lot of masturbation, so I started to search the term "brain fog and masturbation" on google, which led me to an article on psychologytoday.com, called "The Right Masturbation Advice" (that I now realized was written by Marnia, thanks!!!) and it was about a lot of problems I never ever realized about! Nobody told me that too much masturbation can be bad before, at least haven't rationalized it. Somehow got to the Your Brain on porn series, and for that I owe a huge thanks to Gary!

Now that I realized that it is *me* who has the problem, not my girlfriend, it was a liberating experience, because now I can do something about it. This happened last Tuesday, on 17th of May (so 10 days ago) after I haven't got any orgasm since 3 days (a rare occasion) and I masturbated two times and had a brain fog again.

After spending the whole day reading and watching videos about the subject I got 100% certain that I have porn addiction to say the least. I always was a kind of guy who did everything he could to make himself better, if I knew how. Now I knew the problem, so let the porn free era begin!

Stay tuned for further insights about my recovery, and do leave comments if you have anything to say about this post! :)

Comments

It's quite exciting

to learn more about how your brain works and how superstimuli can move your appetite without your even realizing it, eh? Plastic brains! If you haven't read these excerpts from Doidge's book, you may want to: http://yourbrainonporn.com/doidge-on-pornography-and-neuroplasticity

Hope you and your sweetie soon fall into a rhythm that suits you both. It may take a bit of time for those restless feelings to calm down. Daily affection helps.

I read the whole book

In fact, I "read" it as an audiobook. I previously read some posts on the internet about programs that speed up Youtube videos, and when I read in the book that a recently blinded woman started to use her reader program faster and faster, I downloaded a program for my phone that sped up the playback. I first started at 1.25x speed, and when it felt "normal", I upped it to 1.5x, then tried 2x and stuck with that.

Long story short, I got through the 6.5 hour long audiobook in about 4 hours. I figured out if I close my eye I can understand it even easier, but later it was OK when I walked around or traveled too. I'm amazed how well the brain works and that I'm able to do that, considering English is not even my native language. :) (And that I can't even read this fast in my native language.)

About the rythm: It's still hard, she doesn't want sex, and it's hard to let go and don't push, when sometimes I feel that because I can't masturbate (and watch porn) she is my only outlet of sexual energy. Challenging times...

That's a pretty inspiring story about

the speed listening. You mean my French teacher was right??? Wink

Be patient. It'll be a while before you two find a way to synch up. Remember that giving generous touch can also calm you down. Back massages, foot massages. What's her favorite non-erotic touch? Start with that and really throw yourself into it. Maybe she'll do the same for you.