♥Do you get something valuable out of a relationship?

Submitted by R2D2 on
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I have just read Cupid's Poisoned Arrow, and now I have an interesting question to all those people who are in a relationship (hence posting in partner section).

I have never actually been in a relationship, but I have been looking for a girlfriend for a very long time. Now, having read the book, I'm wondering if I have been wasting my time and energy in this desperate search for a partner. Do you really get something out of a relationship that makes it worth all the pain, suffering, countless compromises and having to do something like karezza to preserve harmony and make it last?

A few years ago I started occasionally paying for sex. Before that I was a very miserable and depressed man (and a virgin). Being able to have sex has made me happier, but I have still been trying to find a girlfriend because I have assumed that I'm missing out on something really big. But now I'm thinking that maybe I'm actually happier than people who are in a relationship.

Please tell me, is there something so valuable and important that you gain from having a girlfriend/boyfriend that you are happy to accept all the negative effects that come with it? I understand the situation is different if people have children or want to have children in the future. But assuming that you didn't want any children, and you had some outlet for the worst sexual urges, then do you think it would be better to just be alone?

I like that you start with the basics

Smile I venture to say that most people get an enormous amount out of a harmonious relationship. In fact, sociologist questionnaires say a happy pair bond is the most consistent predictor of all-round contentment and well-being.

I suspect this is because humans are tribal pair bonders, evolutionarily speaking. That is, our brains "reward" us neurochemically (with good feelings) for friendly interaction and pair bonding. These interactions make us feel more whole at some level. Or at least leave us with less of an annoying sense of "lack." Wink

That said, people are different, and there are outliers at both ends of most scales. So some people may need to be joined at the hip to be happy, and at the other end, some people may be quite happy on their own, or certainly without a significant other.

Where do you fall on the spectrum? There's probably not a one-size-fits-all answer to this question. Blog if you like.


I guess it depends on what purpose you give your relationship~~is it to give and receive love? Or is it to form a family, to ensure a steady flow of sex (ha!), to gain material goods, to maintain a status quo, to meet someone else's expectations? People join together for so many different reasons, but if you are joining together because you feel there is a spiritual reason to do so, it takes on a different meaning altogether. Life truly does become richer and deeper. I love being in love. This time around is so much better for me because I am living with gratitude each day and trying very hard not to think about nor control the future. Just living each day the best way I can and giving as much love as I can.

Of course, there are biological reasons for pair-bonding (as Marnia has stated), but it goes further than that. I love these words from Deepak Chopra, where he combines the scientific with the spiritual:

"Love is not just a sentiment. Love is the ultimate truth at the heart of creation.

Any relationship that’s based on need is doomed for failure. And any relationship that is based on playfulness leads to ecstasy.

When you have the intoxication of love, your body makes dopamine, opiates, serotonin, and oxytocin. These hormones are not only antidepressants, and induce a subjective sense of euphoria, but they’re also immunomodulators. They modify, modulate, and fortify your immune system, so you’re a much healthier person. When people are experiencing either the giving or receiving of love, their body starts to self-regulate and restore homeostasis, which means that all your body systems are performing at a peak level.

Our meaning and context in life come from relationships. In the absence of relationships, we don’t even exist.

A bad relationship is one in which there is controlled manipulation, where people need constant approval and reinforcement that they are liked or loved -- in other words, where there is a lot of insecurity.

It would be a big loss to not have a romantic bond, because the romantic bond sparks a different kind of energy in us. It’s an important aspect of love. Love has many flavors, but one of them is romance, which of course includes sexuality.

When you’ve found someone, identify the qualities in them that you find attractive, and then display those same qualities yourself. In other words, don’t borrow their energy, but become their energy.

It’s my understanding that our spirit or consciousness outlives the death of the physical body. So if our consciousness lives on, then so does love.

People who have no relationships are three to five times as likely to die from cardiovascular illness or cancer.

Couples have to reassure each other that they’re always there for each other. And they have to make each other feel safe. And that comes by having a common goal and a common commitment to each other. And when people have that, love makes them feel safe, and love actually begins to heal their physical bodies and their emotions.

When you fall in love with somebody, simply write down the traits that you really admire in them and then say to yourself, 'I will also display those traits.' And when you do that, you’re no longer borrowing their energy, you’re becoming that energy. And then instead of need, there’s time to play and enjoy.

You can trace all violence to the lack of or having poor relationships, either in childhood or in romantic relationships. I think all the people in the world who commit violent crimes or who are engaged in terrorism at some point experienced a deep lack of love.

When you have the experience of love, either giving it or receiving it, you become magnanimous to the rest of the world. That’s why people in love can do extraordinary things!"


I was reading your post to

I was reading your post to my wife, and when I got to the part where you ask if its worth it to be in a relationship, I looked at her and said, "depends on the day" then we both burst out laughing. All kidding aside, I love living with a woman and wouldn't have it any other way. A womans presence breaths life into me in a way that just cant be compared to or measured. They're so soft and squishy!! LOL.

Only you can answer this one. Some folks seem to be better built for it than other. If you hunger for partnership then give it a try. You say you've been looking for a girl friend for a very long time, why don't you have one?


Every life is a pile of good things and a pile of bad things, and the goal is to have the good things outnumber the bad things. (OK, I got that from a Doctor Who episode...) Relationships are kind of the same way. If it's a bad relationship, the bad things outnumber the good things, and that adds to your life's pile of bad things. But, get into a good situation with a good person, and it'll definitely add to your pile of good things.

What you get out of a relationship depends partially on what you put into it. My ex and I learned how to be in a functional relationship, I got to feel loved for the first time in my life, and my ex learned to believe in himself. We don't belong together, but we definitely added to each other's pile of good things.