Trying to accept that this is my problem.

Submitted by basketcase on
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This past month has been crazy for me. For the past 10 years i've been having the weirdest and oddest symptoms.

Let me start out by saying i am a 27 year old male.

First started with odd visual problems, and then like a depression type thing followed, along with weird anxiety, that did include derealization. After that crazy brain fog. Also other odd symptoms. I'll spell out these symptoms later on in this post.

I started masturbating when i was around 15 or 16. I was in the shower just doing my normal thing and started to rub down there, and the most awesome thing happen, i had my first orgasm, and it was so crazy awesome. it literally put me into some other world. The most wonderful and relaxing feel ever.

I remember laying there like WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT. It was pretty awesome.

Ever since that day i've been doing it multiple times a day. Those great orgasms only lasted maybe a year or so, if even that. I was pretty much addicted to it.
Of course i started to look at porn as an aid to to help me masturbate, But i never thought of the porn itself as an addiction, but rather the orgasm as my addiction, and porn was just a tool/aid.

A couple years after i started masturbating i noticed weird visual problems, but meh, i had headaches all my life, and also had my first migraine with aura before masturbating, so i didnt ever think it was related.

I started to develop weird sleeping patterns, and a weird mental feeling. At the time i thought it was just depression. Which it might have been, i'm not sure. I don't think i was ever really sad. Was just like ac loud was over me, and everything seemed off.
Also major fatigue. Also developed alot of weight during this time. i went from around 160lb to 230 which i've been at ever since.

i continued using masturbation as like a drug. if i felt more depressed, i masturbated, sometimes up to 10 times a day. At least 3 times usually.
Around this time i also noticed i became extremely irritable after masturbation, and i connected this for sure to it because it'd happen soon after i done it.

I also developed my case of constipation around this time. (going to the bathroom once or 2 times a week if im lucky, still have the problem)

When i developed dry eyes, and overwall tiredness along with severe light sensitivity in 2002 when i was 18 i decided it was time to goto a doctor.

HE did all sorts of blood test on me, and said i did have a lung infection, and gave me antibiotics. all the blood tests came back normal, so he suggested I was just depressed.

So my problems continued to get worse. Ear ringing developed, even odder visual problems.
in 2003-04 my concentration almost completely disappeared. I started to notice, especially few hours after masturbation that i couldnt follow movies, stories, Im a BIG fan of music, and i'd watch concerts on tv like i always have, and i just couldnt follow along with them, which was so odd to me at the time. I figured it was connected to masturbation at the time because it seemed to get worse a few hours after doing it.

But i never imagined that all my problems were caused from it. So to deal with my problems i masturbated more.
I figured i had some deficiency related to some health problem that the doctors were too lazy to discover.

in 2004 i developed a really bad case of anxiety. i think it was due to all my symptoms, and the dryness all over my body. i went to the doctor again then and they took blood, all was fine. So i was sent home again.

in 2005 i had a headache that lasted an entire week. I'd say on a scale 1-10 it was probably a 6. It wasnt the worst headache i ever had, but the fact that it lasted a week bothered me. Also noticed my visual problems got worse. Visual snow (static like sparkles that were there all the time), and around this time was the first time the memory problems started to affect me.

I couldn't remember the faces of people that i just met, which i thought was odd, and also someone was telling me something, and then they left, and i couldnt remember what they said, which totally freaked me out, so i went to the ER and t hey took blood again, cat scan, and everything was fine.

Ever since then i had this severe cloud in my brain, we call it brain fog, it just prevents me from thinking clearly at all, concentration and out, and memory is horrible.

Also around this time is when i had major ear ringing. Ever since 2003 my ears have been very sensitive and ringing, but during this time they were super loud, and lasted days. Sometimes it was just one year, but alot of times it was both.

I remember thinking back then that maybe this was related to the masturbation because, it always seemed to get worse. But i never wanted to accept that it was due to that. Masturbation was the only thing i seemed to like, even though it didnt even really feel good anymore.

in 2006 i had an episode where i had a bad cold, for some reason i masturbated like 9 times that day, and i feel asleep and wa so tired for days. i probably slept for around 3 days straight, but with moments were i'd wake up for 15 or so minutes, and pass back out. Eventually i had enough of that and developed anxiety over it, and forced myself to stay awake.

Ever since that day my brain fog as probably been 20% worse. so im not myself anymore. no clear thinking at all. My emotional state is totally gone. i used to be very romantic, and so on, but now i have none of that. i used to even write poetry and love type songs, all gone now.

i went to the doctor then, blood tests again, and all was fine. Suggested i was depressed (surprise), and sent me home.

At this time i gave up all hope on doctors. still kinda dont trust them.

So for the next years i just accepted what was wrong with me, and figured i'd live this way for the rest of my life, and had fear that it'd only get worse until i was completely brain dead.

I wouldn't say i had huge anxiety or depression, i mean it sucked, but it really feels like i cant think good enough to be depressed anymore.

So of course my masturbation continued. around 5 times a day at least, sometimes much more for the next few years.

i've got jobs which sucked because i was also so tired, and the light sensitivity was horrible. Brain fog sucked, but i was always able to work my way through it. My antisocialness comes from being so tired all the time. I wanna come home after work, and relax, and sleep, but the problem is i cant ever fall asleep either.

The major sad part is that NO ONE on the outside can see what im going through. Doctors just think its some depression thing. my family doesnt understand or believe me, so im all alone in this. I'm literally loosing my mind here.

A couple years ago i just stopped looking online for causes, and things. i became sick of it. Sick of the anxiety that came along with tryin to fix myself, so blah.

What got me looking again in a month ago i had a major headache at work, and developed another one that lasted a few weeks, and at random moments MAJOR BRAIN FOG and fatigue would suddenly hit. This isnt the normal brain fog i've been livign with for the past 10 years, this was something bigger. I've had moments of this in the lat few years, but just moments. Now it was stayin and lasting much longer.

So that triggered me to start looking into my problems again.

I'm only now starting to look into sex as the actual cause of most of my problems. I never wanted to accept the fact that it could've been in the past. I mean everyone says the masturbation is GREAT for you and helps you be healthy, so why would it be my cause? And also it was the only thing i enjoyed in life anymore.

Also there could be many other problems that explain my symptoms, such as the constipation i had for the past 10 years could cause brain fog, maybe i have some food allergy, lactose does make my stomach worse, and i've notice din the past my brain fog would get worse after milk, but then again sometimes it didnt. So the masturbation? "naw has to be something else" i always told myself.

The most i ever went without masturbating in the past 10 years is probably 20 days, and i didnt really feel much better in those day.
Usually i could only go a couple days without the huge urge to masturbate.

I found symptoms about sexual exhaustion. There are a few sits about it, but these are just sites that want to sell you supplements. So i have a hard time believing them or trusting them. Especially when they say you wont get better without taking the supplements they sell.

Lately my libido isnt as strong as its been in the past years. My erections arent that strong, and to be honest they havent been for years. Also orgasms are close to nothing. When i have orgasms now usually i feel a tingling go through my body, or somethings nothing. But there is ZERO blasts in my brain like there used to be when i first started doing it, which is so odd.

I'm still a bit weary about accepting that over masturbating is my problem. alot of people do it and seem fine, and it seems like such a simple solution, can't really be that? i mean? really? I mean most of the over masturbation sites seem to be scams with their supplements and such.

But then again, over masturbating does make alot of sense. but then again it doesnt seem like it could do this? I don't know

After reading alot of the stories on here, like with others with brain fog which is my major symptom, it really makes me wonder.

The chemicals released during sex do dilate the eyes which would explain my light sensitivity, and such, and chemicals could explain the random bouts of anxiety (btw i have learned to control my anxiety and such by knowing what it is, weird anxiety).
Also buys are always tired after sex, which would explain the ever lasting fatigue and what not.

But then again, i guess i still am in denial, i want to believe that this is my problem. I mean the doctors NEVER did find anything normal wrong with my blood. and i know that im not crazy even though everyone seems to think i am. And i always suspected the overmasturbation was having an ill effect on mine.

This is the first time in my life i ever found an actual evidence online about the ill effects of orgasms too much, so not only do i still have my suspicion, bu also some evidence online, from normal people (excluding those scam sites).
wow brain fog just got worse, i must be writing too much , ha. and common sense i guess.

i did buy some supplements, and begun drinking alot of water.
which i've been noticing some small improvements, but i havent cut off masturbating. i did stop for 7 days last week, and had moments of mild clarity, only moments, and im not sure if it was due to my diet change, the supplements, the water, or what.

But the thing is, when i start feeling better, i say "wow it cant be the masturbation" and i masturbate a few more times that day, and i end up back to where i was.

So the least i can do is just try to stop masturbating for a while, and see what happens, and when i say for a while, maybe a few months? I mean, i haven't gone more than 20days without doing it since i first started, so that'll be odd.

i really just wanna be myself again. i wanna have interest in real girls, and not just porn, i want my head to clear up so i can finally get into a real relationship with a girl, and just be myself again. I want this fog to go away, i want to be able to think again.
Giving up masturbation would be worth all of that. i mean, orgasm doesnt even feel good to me anymore. so why can't i just stop it? Especially when i dont even have much of a libido anymore.

I just need to accept that its the masturbation ruing my life, and i'll get better from there.
i want to thank you all for your stories. and i hope i didnt ramble too much. with my brain fog im sure i left alot out, and much of it probably didnt make sense.

Do you all think that my sex addiction is whats causing my problems? or making them much worse?

thanks

There could be lots of

There could be lots of things causing your health problems, and I don't think anyone can say with certainty that giving up masturbation will make them better. I certainly think it might help though. I have pretty poor health right now - something a bit like M.E. and could be caused by endometriosis, although I have no diagnosis. I started cutting down on masturation a few months ago, and am now doing it once a week max. and usually more like once every two weeks. I'm aiming to cut it out completely eventually. It hasn't actually improved any of my symptoms, but it has helped me deal with them better and make progress towards getting better rather than just hiding in a masturbation brainfog.

Good luck. I know it's going to be hard - I find it hard and I don't have a porn problem (unless you count an addicted partner, but that's a different story...)

Hugs Katten

Welcome

I think you're wise to experiment with "rebooting." http://yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting Can't hurt...if you don't count the pain of withdrawal. Wink

Strictly speaking, it's not the masturbation or orgasm that's the problem we write about. It's the neurochemical overstimulation from porn. It registers as so "valuable" in a primitive part of the brain that your brain actually decreases your sensitivity to pleasure so you keep going back for more. Basically, it thinks you're actually fertilizing real women ...and it wants you to pass on your genes at every opportunity...even if it kills you. Wink

That said, assuming this is a major source of your problems, you will recover much faster (if still agonizingly slowly), if you cut out porn, masturbation and orgasm until your brain is *completely* back in balance. Only THEN can you find a middle ground with masturbation/orgasm. In short, it helps to give your brain a rest from all intense stimulation, so it can learn to regulate your mood and other physiology without intermittent blasts of dopamine (the neurochemical that drives sexual arousal among other things - and all addiction).

Have you watched the videos at Your Brain On Porn? You sound pretty sharp, even with brain fog :-), so I think you'll understand what's going on when you've finished.

Then have a look at some of these other links:

Rebooting accounts (http://yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-accounts)...particularly this one: http://yourbrainonporn.com/five-month-plateau

http://yourbrainonporn.com/what-are-the-symptoms-of-excessive-porn-use

http://yourbrainonporn.com/what-benefits-do-people-see-as-they-reboot

The good news is that you *can* heal, and you're not crazy.

The bad news is that 20 days isn't enough to reboot. In fact, things can stay kind of grim for about two months, on average. Yes, you are likely to see improvements long before then, but you'll also continue to spend time in the pits. And your libido may be null for a couple of months. But then there's usually an unmistakable rebound that's stable. See this guy's account: http://yourbrainonporn.com/synopsis-of-entire-reboot-with-mood-chart

I've enabled you to start a blog if you want to share your journey here.

PS

The idea that there's no such thing as too much sexual stimulation is an anomaly of the last half century. Before then, there were many traditions that taught the benefits of moderation...and some of them had no conception of guilt or shame about such things. They just understood the effects of sex on the brain far better than we do.

Our researchers have been so cock-sure of their assumptions that they haven't even investigated their validity. The reality may start to dawn on you if you read this: "The Passion Cycle" http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200908/the-pas...

I don't usually get into this approach

but according to the Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) model, you would probably be diagnosed with kidney deficiency, or kidney yin deficiency. It’s a model, not an actual kidney disorder, so don’t worry. You can Google it. It’s basically burnout. TCM believes overstimulation (addictions, stress, etc.) and too much sexual activity can consume our vital energies, leading to depletion of our jing or essence, which originates from the kidney. Problems with vision, hearing, thinking, along with constipation are all major symptoms of kidney deficiency syndrome.

The Western medical model for burnout focuses on the adrenal glands, and of course, is not associated with excessive sexual activity. The adrenals make many hormones, but cortisol is the key stress hormone. An unrecognized cause of some of your symptoms is cortisol insufficiency. That is, not producing enough cortisol to meet your daily needs. One must test (saliva) the levels at 4 intervals in the day to get an accurate assessment. A few rare doctors do this, and some treat cortisol deficiency with supplemental cortisol - for a prescribed time frame – allowing the adrenals time to heal.

Be aware that both the Western and Eastern models lead to one solution – removing the source of overstimulation, or stressors. Allowing time to heal. Excessive masturbation and constant porn use are stressors.

We cannot say the role high levels of porn use and masturbation contributed to your symptoms. The only way to find out is to remove both from your life for an extended period. Whether or not PMO caused your various symptoms, in order for you to have the life you want, you must leave your addictions behind.

Good luck