Lately I've had so many thoughts, so many epiphanies, so many "ah ha!" moments that I don't know if my words here will even make sense! But I must try because I feel the need to release these thoughts into the universe so I can begin collecting new thoughts.
I'm currently reading two books at once: Diana Richardson's "Slow Sex" and Barry Long's "To Woman In Love." An interesting combination that keeps my mind churning.
Even though the books are very different, they both talk about the woman's role in sex and love and how that role is to be the receptive and passive one, the one who is love, the one who tames the energy in man and soothes his soul.
And I see this happening in my own relationship. My karezza experiences with my lover have taken on a new feel; I think this is because we are no longer having to think about what to do...it is almost second-nature now. This is a good thing because we are able to relax into the moment even more. Our minds stay *right there* and do not wander. It is the mind that plays the most powerful role. If your mind is not focused on the present, the body does not respond to your partner with the delicious electrical charge, but rather, a dull void.
My whole way of being has changed when it comes to my relationship. I am no longer trying to seduce nor titillate nor excite my lover in the way I've always felt it necessary. Now I just am. I just love. I just open my heart and my body and let him in. I don't try to control what we do. I don't try to steer our lovemaking a certain way. I allow him the space to be masculine and assertive and because of this, I think we are now more in sync and have established a beautiful rhythm to our lovemaking.
When we are together, I think of my breasts as giving life to him and he responds in a way he never has before. And so do I. I relax my pelvis and no longer push against him when he is inside me...I let him hold my hips and pull me toward him. All of this makes me feel the most feminine I've ever felt in my life. And I feel like I am making love to the most divine man in the world.
As for orgasms, there was a time a few weeks ago where we both "went for it" and I truly paid the price in the following weeks. As Marnia has stated, it can create a feeling of "lack" and mine was through the roof (what a great description for that "woe is me" attitude). I *do not* like myself that way. At all. However...
I have not noticed that feeling during the times when an orgasm has truly appeared out of nowhere. When one of those has happened, I have managed to keep my normal positive feelings in check and have not suffered. And I noticed that Diana even mentions this in her book, so perhaps it's not just me:
"Avoiding a climax applies equally to man and woman. However, with woman there is one difference. When a woman is able to have an orgasm easily and with no effort at all, while in the state of relaxation and being (and not doing), then orgasm is perfectly beautiful. But when a woman works with effort and intention to reach orgasm, first, she will be lacking in presence, absent through a focus on the goal. Second, she is likely to cause her man to ejaculate. And third, there will be a buildup and crescendo of physical tension, some of which is discharged in orgasm and some of which remains in the woman's energy system. These tensions can later give rise to a negative swing either on the physical level (such as vaginal irritations or menstrual pain) or an emotional level (feeling insecure, unloved, abandoned)."
Ah ha! But we already knew this, didn't we? And funnily enough, the times I have "gone for" orgasm, my lover has orgasmed simultaneously. The times I have had an orgasm without trying, my lover did not!
As for the other book~~Barry Long is an interesting person and while I don't see eye-to-eye with him on many things, he has brought some really profound ideas to me that flow well with what I have learned from Diana and Marnia.
First and foremost, that woman is love. Man comes to her for love and if she gives it fully, she allows man to return it. However, if man does not return it fully (and woman always knows when he does not), it is time to move on. Period! No arguing, no accusations, just realize this particular man cannot love you fully and find one who can. Ah ha! I love the simplicity of it. This line of thought has helped me reconcile what happened with my previous marriage, too. We both just moved on because we could no longer love each other fully. And there are no hard feelings. It just is what it is.
He also says that any addiction you have (whether food, sex, porn, anorexia, bulimia, cigarettes, etc.) is caused by love~~either the lack of it or the loss of it. He says that if you look 6-8 months prior to when an addiction began, you should be able to see an event involving love/lack of love that caused you to stop being your loving self, to stop loving yourself. This was also an "ah ha!" moment for me. I will spare you the details, but I was able to figure out what triggered a very hard time for me during my college years. And now that I know what caused it (a horribly devastating break-up), I will no longer think of myself in the same (derogatory) way for the things in my life that followed (food/body image issues).
I am loving the changes in myself and that I am no longer what I consider "emotional" about things. I know this is a combination of karezza along with learning that emotions are never based in the present (although feelings are!), and also that they are *not* the essence of a woman (because they are not based in love). Love is not an emotion, love is a state-of-being. I also credit my daily gratitude meditations to creating a true sense of peace within me...as one who was formerly queen of the "brain worms" and unable to sleep at night because of them, I now fall asleep into beautiful slumber, sometimes before I can even finish my meditations. Life is so very good now.
And so my journey continues...and so does my gratitude for coming to this place, this Reuniting.info, which started the wonderful process!! (thank you everyone!)