Hi i"m 21 and i've been masturbating (regularly sometimes multiple times in a day) ever since i was 15. I don't watch a lot of porn but when i did used to it was usually of a violent nature and very demeaning to women. I rationalized it by saying that it was just a fantasy and wasn't really "me". I do respect women in my every day life i genuinely do and hence this is a part of my character that i would like to do without.The problem is that when i get the urges its almost as if i have a demon inside me ( a very clever one that can convince me that what i'm seeing is ok and i need to see it) and after i finish ejaculating i'm left with an immense sense of guilt . Not at the fact that i have masturbated but because the fantasies i had to use to get off. . That was one of the main reasons why after going through articles and posts on this site i decided to abstain for a while.
I have gone only 5 days now . But every day i seem to get stronger and my self respect really seems to be at a much better place than it was 5 days ago. I"m really happy i found this site as it has really helped me . I don"t feel so isolated anymore and really feel that i can go a month without it easily .
I would really like to understand why i needed to imagine those fantasies to masturbate as it seems at odds to my perception of myself and its contributed a lot to me hating my self or at least this aspect of me which i haven't completely understood.
This is the first time i have ever put down these feelings ( my hands were actually shaking as I typed some parts) and it does feel a bit liberating to let it out after all these years.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share this i think God has directed me to this site for a reason and i feel it will help me.