I'm new here, I have 19 years and my life was goin pretty alright... But then I started to have some problems.
And I'm using this post so perhaps I can find help with you.
This story is pretty long, but I guess it's needed to explain what really happened. I was totally honest, and I would be *Really* thankful if someone could help me in the end.
So... Ok, let's start.
-- The Issue --
I developed HOCD. I guess that it isn't a new thread here, and also isn't the main focus of this forum, but the fact is that you might help me since there's topics of other members here who dealed with HOCD and are getting better. Someday I hope to be one of those and HELP people dealing with it, too.
But let's tell how this started:
-- My Past --
My first sexual experiences were at childhood, with 8 and 9 years. I gave my first kiss on a girl and "tried intercourse," discovering my body and such. But I got reprehended, never knewing much how to deal with the attraction with girls.
Also with 8 years I kissed a friend (male), and he dressed as a girl and we did like soap opera novels. But I can't remember if was pleasuring at all, but either way, I didn't grow with the feeling of "kissing men" and such.
With 10 years I had a habit of kissing two other male friends in cheek, like a dad kiss his son. I felt no arousal at all, and that habit suddently stopped. No botherings with that.
As i grew up into adolescence, I discovered porn at 14 y old, with those very same friends I used to kiss in cheek. From that day on, I never worried about being gay or such, considering all the arousal I had with puberty and the porn videos with girls at all.
I had my 1st kiss in a girl at my 13s, but i was kinda scared and didn't know what to do. Later on, my 1st relationship was when I got 16, and I wasn't that scared. Although i still thought that kissing was "strange," I always wanted to have a girlfriend at my side, feeling that connection and having sex with her.
By my 16-17 years I started to study Graphic Design. Since it's an art-related job (that in my Place, has a fame for being a job for gay people), my friends started to call me gay because of that. First I had some concerns, but it was more with people calling me gay (it was bothering) than with the possibility of becoming one, since I didn't even believed that I had chances to becoming one.
As I grew up, I kept the search with girls, but also maintained the habit of masturbating. But I wasn't that good with women, until I learned about Pick Up Arts and started studying it. Soon I started to be more physical with people, touching them, hugging them and such. Also I grew with phimosis. It was pretty hard for me, because the few girls I had success, I had no driving force to have sex until I treated it.
So one day I found a girl who was pretty special to me. Let's call her "Marie," for privacity and respect reasons. We created a deep connection and I really felt in touch with her, wanted myself to involve with her and be her boyfriend. After a long time, as we get more involved, we started a relationship. That happened this year.
-- Where the Problem Started --
In the middle of January, before my relationship with Marie started, my friends, who already had sex, wanted to pay a prostitute for me, to having my 1st time. Since the phimosis was a problem, and I was treating it until got cured (I thought so), I wanted to have sex, too. Also I was thinking that if I had the 1st time with a prostitute, I would be better experienced to have sex with Marie, or any other girl that I was involved in future.
In that time I already felt totally in love with Marie, and since we were both virgins, it would be a start for me to being calm with her when the time comes. BUT when I saw the prostitute, I felt no attraction at all. I mean, she had 27 years, and even that she had a nice body, I wasn't attracted by her face.
And then she got naked and started to touch me. Instead of feeling attracted, I shaked and trembled, afraid. Somewhat, it was not like I expected. As I told her that I was virgin, she didn't seemed happy to know it, and tried to do with me anyway. Kissed me, touched me, tried to masturbate me, suck me and i tried to touch her body, to feel her, and then she took my hand until her vagina and said "feel inside me" - I panicked, since I expected to be different.
So, to turn things worse, I discovered that my phimosis wasn't fully healed, what bringed a bit of pain to my penis to pull it. My penis was "dead" and I tried to think about lots of sexy girls, to perhaps give him an erection. It happened, but I was so shocked (especially when she said "feel inside me" and touching her) that I couldn't feel desire on that. She told me to stop shaking and to enjoy the moment, but I couldn't. It was a shock to me. She started to "scream in pleasure," but I don't know if that was really what she was feeling, because it sounded fake.
After trying a lot, I gave up. I even said, making fun of myself, "OMG Am I Gay?" She said for me to not worry, that was bullshit, I was just afraid. And my friends told me the same.
I guess the feelings that I had for Marie, instead of driving me to do that for her, were more like a blocking. Either way, I had lost my interest for casual sex since that event, waiting for me to be more prepared.
So, I went to a cinema with Marie, and we've been pretty involved that time. Just by feeling her hugging me was enough reason to feel aroused. The concerns about the "false-start sex" just disappeared because of that event. We kissed while we saw the movie, and it was pretty good. I felt deeply involved with her.
After that day, I dediced to tell Marie about my frustrated sex experience, and what I felt. When I told her about the "OMG, am I gay?" part, she asked, "are you?" Making funny of me.
But that brought a bit of preoccupation. I said "No". But I really started to generalize it, that I would always feel that, no matter which girl I was involved. Trying to calm myself, I just forget about it.
I went to a 2nd day with Marie after the day in the cinema. We enjoyed a lot of caressing and touching moments, feeling lots of pleasure and passion with her. I said to myself "the worry is a bullshit. I feel so good with her, I just can't believe how I thought that."
On other days, she told me that she started to have strange dreams, of girls kissing her. I asked "are you lesbian?". And I started to think that she was, and didn't discovered it yet. I told her that if she really was, I just wanted her to be happy, at my side or not. Somehow, I guess it started to throw her in HOCD, since we talked it a lot, but I thought that I was helping her to "discover herself." At that time, soon some thoughts started to
pop up: "what if both of us were gay and we didn't know until now?"
At the very same time, in my work, people started calling me gay because of my job as Graphic Designer. The thoughts started to get intense. They said to me things like, "get off the closet," "you are gay, don't need to fake it" and other phrases that bothered me.
Because of my past, I always was pretty physical with my friends. One day I walked with a friend (that people bullied, calling him gay) to a mall, and when he was about to leave, we talked about hugs. He told me that his friends never had a habit of hugging each other, and then I told him, "c'mon, gimme a hug!"
When he hugged me, I felt something pretty awkward. I guess it was the way he hugged, but I was afraid that our groins touched each other, I don't know. I felt something VERY BAD in my stomach. And I left thinking "OMG, what was that? Am I attracted to him?"
Until then, the other day I met Marie... she broke up with me. I started to think that now there was no other girl that could make me feel that way again. And joining that with the past sex experience, I felt REALLY AFRAID. So the HOCD started.
-- Walking the Hell --
The bitter part was that I started to give them reason. But still that made no sense to me.
Until I heard some stories:
• In my job, they told a story of a friend of them who was pretty strange, and one day they went to a brothel and wanted to pay him a prostitute. So, he just went in pain and admitted that he was gay;
• I readied the story of my best female friend in a blog (she's bi), and how she suddently felt in love for a girl, even kissed and falling in love with other men before;
• One of the MOST PAINFUL ones was a book that I readied on my 14 years, called "The Search of the Encounter", of a boy who had the SAME NAME as me, and then he felt screwed when he went for his 1st intercourse, started to think that he was gay, and later he BECOME ONE - that made me feeling so bad that i almost thought that it was like my reality in a book!
• My female bi friend told me that the only man that almost had intercourse with her discovered himself gay, and the arousal he felt was just because of the love that he had (I draw a parallel that the same happened with me and Marie);
Suddently, I started to have strange sensations in my body, fueled by fear. Everytime I touched a man, I felt pain and fear, but also my attention walked directly to my groins and i felt some movement in there. I started to think "OMG, Am I really gay at all?"
I thought that I was aroused but I don't wanted to, so I was "condemned" to be gay even if I don't want to. It wasn't arouse at all, but any touch in me seemed to bring some movement in there because of the attention.
I tried to reason with myself, fight against it, but it was painful to think that I just become homossexual and didn't wanted to accept it. So I secretly tried to fight it, and when I touched my female friends, I tried to feel aroused. But I FAILED.
So I started to fight it, face it with NLP audios and exercises, being silent with people about it, because it would seem that I would be someone who was being coward because I was just gay and didn't wanted to accept it.
Later on, I talked with Marie again and she discovered that she was bissexual, and she felt in love for a girl. That made me even more afraid, started to think that, since I was right about her, I was right about me too, and didn't wanted to face it.
One colleague at my university, one day, was looking at me straightly in the eye, and I felt awkward. I felt afraid that it would happen the same things that happened in my friend's history. So I tried to avoid him, flee from seeing him. Hardly I maintained eye contact with my friends because of that event.
The same thing happened again in the bus, where other boy looked at me straight in the eye and I felt the same pain and awkwardness.
At that time, things that relieved me was watching porn, because I felt no attraction for the guys, but by seeing the girl nude, having sex. Also i started to masturbate everyday, thinking about girls and past moments where I felt pleasure with women. It started to get even harder to feel pleasure.
I was afraid of seeing man with no shirts or naked, afraid of feeling arousal and consequently, become gay because of that. I was even afraid of looking at myself in the mirror, naked, after or before a shower, thinking that I would feel desire for myself. And I relucted to told that to my friends, because I thought that few people could understand me and would help me at all.
By March, I felt desperated, with no will to see my friends (because of the fear of getting arousal), or to meet any new girls (because of the experience with the prostitute in january). I wanted to die, started to telling my problems to my friends, becoming socially awkward and afraid. I screamed to myself, "I want to die", because I just become gay and didn't wanted to accept it.
In that time, I told people that I was trying to find something that could be the core of my fear, like "anxiety," "depression," or whatever it would be. But everybody told me that I was getting paranoid and it was meaningless to try to find the answer by myself.
Little by little, I felt even less strenght to fight against it, because it seemed that society was almost being against me with the advent of gay rights and "gay pride." Also, the gay community would seem to do the same. Everybody seems almost "against" the "right" of being heterossexual, because here where I live, a great wave of anti-homophobic movement started.
I felt overwhelmed, desperated, until one day I screamed, "I want to die." Since I felt little hope for me, I decided to turn around into the pain and face it.
I decided to test my fear. I went straightly for the root of the fear, and opened up an episode of Spartacus where a gay couple start to have sex, and tried to masturbate. I felt no arousal, felt pretty bad, but I argued with me, telling "c'mon, get an erection!" - and I made effort to it. My penis had a bit of movement, but I felt Bad and Screwed. I was SURE that I DID NOT WANT THAT!
Somehow, I started to doubt about the pain I caused to myself.
Then, by April, I involved myself casually with a girl. When we kissed, I felt myself good, feeling pleasure with her, not the same emotional pleasure that I had with Marie, but I felt arousal at all. Somehow I didn't knew how, but I believed that I wasn't gay at all. Perhaps I was just confused. By that time, I felt WAY LESS fear when other males touched me. Also, the "fear of feeling aroused" just disappeared - at least for that time.
My problems started to get big, and then everybody told me to go to the psychologist. I was afraid that if I started to tell what happen, she would already prescribe me as gay and ignore what I really feel, just trying to make me accept the condition and become gay. That was what happened in that book story, and therefore I thought that the same would happen with me.
Thanks God, it didn't happened.
-- Some Light in this Darkness? --
The psychologist helped me to see that I felt lots of FEAR. Also I started to discover about the homossexual profile, with less fear, and saw that there wasn't what could define me as homossexual. Funnily enough, she started to tell what happened, and everytime it seemed less and less worrying to me.
By the end of the consultation, I felt relieved. I could spend one day just calm about it, and think "where I'll go next?" But it didn't take long. Three days later, during my job times, I received a call of one of our clients (who is gay) and he started to talk to me about some alterations in his job
that he wanted it done. When he talked, I felt something PRETTY AWKWARD in my belly. I had the habit of talking a lot with my past crushes in telephone, and when I gave them a call, I felt a bit awkward. So I thought that since I become awkward, it was a sign that I just felt in love with him - and that freaked me out.
Was I just fooling myself? Did I told the things in a way that made things appear different? I returned with consultation, and we decided to start therapy. One day, I was reading about OCD and saw the structure of the problem, I thought: "could it be a freaky way of OCD?" I felt some certainty on it, but, then when I talked about it with my friends, they say the same thing. "You're fooling yourself."
Then one day, a friend of mine appointed me that I may have developed "cognitive distortions." And suggested me to read the book "The New Mood Therapy". I started to believe that I may have developed a lot of cognitive distortions, so I readied and tried to apply the exercises myself, even that some people didn't approve it. I had to fight and find strenght in myself.
Keeping up with the therapy and with the book reading, I started to recognize - and find a way to deal with it, and felt less bad about it. The psychologist encouraged me to do the exercises, and bring it to her - so she could help me.
By the 3rd week of may, one of the forums I participated send me a report of a man who had 60 days with no PMO, and the benefits of that. He related a lot of improvement in the area "interest with girls" - one area in my life that I felt a great lack - both emotional and sexual.
That report leaded me to two important things:
1) The Brain That Changes Itself, the book by Norman Doidge
2) The webpage "yourbrainonporn.com"
Inside that site, I started to read about the effects of pornography, and then, I found a pretty curious post:
And the title itself made me curious, and then I decided to read it...
-- And Finally I Found It --
The following post, http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php helped me tons. Reading those words made me understand that I wasn't fooling myself, and I wasn't the only one human being who've been through that.
And the webpage http://yousetmefree.weebly.com/ gave me a bit of hope, to use FEAR itself as a reason to not believe on it.
Discovering about the distortions and the HOCD gave me more hope of breaking from the fear, no matter what happened. I readied worst situations of people with HOCD and they figured out how to break up with that.
By some reason, the OCD forum I found was pretty painful, so I decided not to join it.
But I needed to turn to somewhere. Now that I knew what was happening, I felt closer of what could help me deal with it.
So I posted on the old page, yourbrainonporn.com, giving a short brief of what happened. And then I discovered this place.
-- What I'm Doing Right Now --
Lately, I'm trying to move my attention to things that I like. It's hard sometimes to leave the mental process of OCD and then relax. But, i'm doing the suggestions that the therapist gave me, that everytime that I feel the problem hitting me, I just do something different to break the cycle (i.e.: walking around, drink some water, sing something, etc)
Also, I'm rebooting. I'm 12 without MPO, and I'm returning to have erotic/emotional relationship in dreams, which I don't remember to have since lots of times. It gives me good energy and, also, helps me see the difference of "arousal" and "HOCD attention to the groin;"
I'm not exactly in the mood to involve myself emotionally again, but I want to recover that "mood" somehow. Reboot helps a bit, I guess;
Trying to live a normal life. And that's quite hard sometimes;
I heard about ERP, and I was thinking on doing it by myself. I even started it, but feel a bit misguided (I readied the articles, but the process seems to throw you into the feeling and make you "become" what you fear.)
I feel a bit confused.
Can someone help me?
Thanks for the attention, really.