Blog Number 1. Where to begin?
To free myself from my pornography addiction and to remove all barriers that get in my way of true love and truth.
- Willpower is very low --- have repeatedly told myself "Never again" only to come back "again and again".
- This addictive cycle creates guilt, shame, lying, and low self-esteem.
- These emotions, combined with the withdrawl from my last "high", create a perfect environment to "use" again.
- "Use" what? What am I addicted to exactly?
- Masturbation? Maybe, but sometimes I get a high from looking at porn even when I don't masturbate to it.
- Porn? Maybe, but I don't always view porn to "get off". I can easily use my imagination, or even my wife to satisfy my hunger.
- Orgasm? Sure, but like I said earlier, I don't necessarily need to have an orgasm to get a high from viewing porn.
- Lust? Yeah, that seems like the most appropriate definition. It includes porn (which just happens to be free, annonomous, and always available thanks to the internet), looking at girls on the street with hungry eyes, and even having sex with my wife from a place of hungry greedy lust.
- My addiction is not the real me. My true self is pure, giving love.
- I had another addiction - smoking - which I quit in 7 hours by reading "Allan Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking". One of the greatest things I have ever done. That book saved my life and has led me to this point in knowing that I can give up my lust addiction. Although Mr Carr addresses other substance abuse addictions such as alcohol, heroin, and even food --- he never did get around to sexual addictions. I wonder why?? I've contacted his organisation to see if there is a sex addiction book in the works. I hope so.
- Where do I go from here?
- I want to be able to pick up a book, like the Allan Carr book, and just read it and be cured. To date, I haven't found that book.
- What about "Rational Recovery"? If it wasn't for the hatred that the founder expels on the A.A. 12-step program, I might be willing to give it a try. I still might some time down the road.
- What about S.A.? Well, although it goes against some of my belief's on addiction, I have to admitt that my prior attempts have failed, and that I'm desparate enough to admitt that I am powerless over the addiction. So I'll be going to my first meeting this Sunday. I'll let you know how it goes.
OK, I'm done for now. I apologize if my tone is pretty down - but that's how I've been feeling lately. Broken. I'm sick of feeling this way. I want to get on with my life and learn to love myself and my wife again.
Thanks for listening. If you have any comments, I'd love to hear them. And if you are struggling with this addiction, please feel free to send me a private message --- even if it's just to vent. I'll be sympathetic. Promise.