♥Wife's perspective

Submitted by tornfromabook on
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I thought I should contribute to this blog as well... I'm Mrs. Tornfromabook. I think a little context would be helpful for other people who may be reading this... my husband is 27 and I am 23. We have been married for 2 years and have been together for almost 5 years. We are expecting our first child at the end of August.

My husband was the first man I was ever intimate with, and we dated for almost a full year before I was ready for intercourse. Intercourse was physically very painful for me for for at least two years (I blamed it on his large penis size, he blamed it on my uptightness). Both of us had been compulsive masturbators before we met (sometimes orgasming 6 times a day), and this of course was a big source of tension for both of us. It caused me to clamp down and it caused him to rush in, hence the pain. I discovered his porn collection around the time I was trying to loose my virginity to him, and it really hurt me. I once more found porn on his computer a few months after that, but then the porn was gone for good and that was a huge leap forward for him and for our relationship.

The less I masturbated, the less it hurt to have sex, and then my husband discovered this website. So we began half-heartedly trying to quit orgasms altogether. He would usually make me orgasm during foreplay to relax me, and then we would have intercourse without orgasm (so…it wasn't really sex without orgasm for me! but it was the only way he could enter me without me wincing). After a few months he just stopped abstaining and we went back to steamy sex. I think it was because I was finally not in as much pain anymore and we were wanting a "normal" sex life.

Fast forward to this past December, when I found out I was pregnant... trying to get pregnant and the pregnancy itself really ramped up my sexual energy and our sex just got steamier. It was fun for a while, but my husband was feeling pretty depressed and irritated by our living situation (we live with my parents and two teenage brothers) and couldn't really keep up with me sexually, so I started masturbating again. The sex we did have was five minutes long and was basically him trying not to orgasm the whole time. It was just all-around yucky. I mentioned to him a few times "hey...why aren't we doing that no orgasm thing anymore?" and eventually we got back into it, which is where we are now.

It has been two weeks since my last orgasm and three weeks since his.

Some recent observations... It's really great to be rediscovering this kind of sex since my belly is quite big now (I'm in my 7th month) and I can't really move much during sex anyways. He seems to be coping with the stress of living here MUCH better, as he feels less irritated by other people. I also feel much less irritated with him, in ways I didn't even realize I WAS irritated. Before, I would be affectionate toward him and not receive any kind of affection back, which was emotionally draining but I kept it up because I thought he just needed my support (not a bad strategy, but not one I could keep up forever). I think I was kind of resenting him for being depressed all the time, since it meant more work for me in the relationship at a time when I didn't really have the energy, being pregnant and high-needs myself. Now we always seem to have plenty of energy to be affectionate toward each other. We went from having steamy sex every 3-5 days (for an average 10-15 minutes) to having slow, non-orgasmic sex every day (for about an hour) and spending a good deal of time skin-on-skin (I'd say a good 3 hours a day). We have started kissing again, which is something we hadn't realized we had stopped doing. We laugh and smile and talk during sex. Entry is still a little sensitive but sometimes it doesn't hurt at all, which feels like a miracle after all these years. After we had sex, we used to talk about all the things we were stressed out about, but now we talk about how much we look forward to our future as we start our family.

Before, I would often have dreams about having sex with other people (male and female even though I identify as heterosexual), sometimes having orgasms in my sleep. I brushed it off as just a natural part of committing yourself for life to the person you lost your virginity to (wouldn't I always wonder what it was like to have sex with someone else? That's not the same as lust, right?). Now I only dream about him. He mentioned how he sees all women as radiant now… I don't know what to think of that! I certainly don't think all men are radiant and beautiful… I'm more likely to feel a little scared of them (or sad for them) as I imagine what kinds of porn they are probably addicted to. And when I look at women, I just feel sad because I know most of them are convinced that more female orgasm is the answer to the patriarchy of our society. So abstaining from orgasm has made me a bit of a sex snob!

A few new things he has mentioned that I wanted to add on his behalf:

A big new thing is an aversion to substances. Possibly having to do with balanced neurochemistry? He usually depends on some small amount of caffeine daily but now can't even touch it. He also enjoys quite a bit of cannabis, and has for years, but he has been abstaining from that as well (he hasn't felt the desire to smoke since abstaining from orgasm). He smoked last night and today he has a terrible headache and has slept all day. He had a glass of white wine with dinner the other night, and normally alcohol makes him feel like "Ugh why am I drinking this? This is terrible. I need to have another". But this time he was able to enjoy the one glass and not feel the need to continue drinking.

Speaking of substances, we have taken psychedelics together in the past and both times we had interesting sexual experiences which now have new meaning. While taking mushrooms, it seemed to me that the proper way to have sex is to just have it all the time, but I didn't understand what that revelation meant until abstaining from orgasm. Now it really does feel like every moment we spend together, even just holding hands, is surrounded by an innocent, spiritual sexual glow… like everything is sex and sex is everything (rather than an excitement- driven event with a beginning and an end and a hangover). On LSD once, we started to have sex, but then he started crying and talking about all the pressure he puts on himself to perform for and satisfy me. He expressed a need to feel okay with himself if he lost his erection during sex (not that he ever did, but he was apparently very scared of it). He seems to be facing this fear while abstaining from orgasm this time around… pretty much every time we have slow sex he allows himself to loose and then regain his erection. It feels great for it to be no big deal, and to just let our sexual energy ebb and flow as it needs to.

Comments

Wow~

You seem to be such an old soul~~I would never guess your age from reading your words. So glad you decided to tell your side of the story (what a beautiful story). And so happy to hear of a younger couple's experience with karezza!

[quote=tornfromabook]

My husband was the first man I was ever intimate with, and we dated for almost a full year before I was ready for intercourse. Intercourse was physically very painful for me for for at least two years (I blamed it on his large penis size, he blamed it on my uptightness). Both of us had been compulsive masturbators before we met (sometimes orgasming 6 times a day), and this of course was a big source of tension for both of us. It caused me to clamp down and it caused him to rush in, hence the pain.[/quote]

I'm always quoting Diana Richardson on here (sorry, everyone!), but she talks about clitoral stimulation in women (including the use of vibrators) and how that can cause the vagina to constrict (whereas with karezza you are relaxing the pelvic floor and hopefully having attention given to your breasts rather than your clitoris).

So I'm just wondering if that could be part of why you had pain in the beginning~~you were self-pleasuring so much and in a way that did not/would not allow your vagina to relax and accept him?

Since my partner and I have been practicing karezza, I have really lost interest in any type of masturbation. I just don't have that urge anymore. The only urge I have is for him to be with me and inside me! It's quite freeing to feel content and at peace in this way.

Anyway, welcome to the forum and I hope you continue to blog as you get closer to your little baby being born! How exciting and congratulations!

rediscovered

I had never used a vibrator

I had never used a vibrator (still never have), but I had never masturbated stimulating the inside of my vagina at all either. Even using tampons was avoided. So it was probably a combo of nothing ever touching the nerves inside my vagina and too much clitoral stimulation. I definitely realized a couple years ago that whenever I masturbated I was squeezing my pc muscles the whole time! I still have to remind myself during sex not to do that, but it's easier now that sex isn't goal oriented. I also realized that I won't be able to let a baby down my birth canal if I'm all clamped up down there, so we took a Hypnobabies childbirth class. Learning how to consciously relax my mind and body has been applicable to karezza as well.

It's nice to feel the urge to masturbate disappearing. It's quite liberating! I used to use orgasm to fall asleep at night so there was always a period of sleeplessness when I would try to quit... but due to the relaxation techniques I learned in Hypnobabies I have been having no trouble sleeping.

I haven't done as much reading as most of you here, but I do remember something about paying attention to the breasts and nipples... but since I am pregnant, we have been trying to be gentle with mine (if you stimulate the nipples while pregnant, it is a very powerful labor inducer!). Is it possible to pay attention to my breasts in this way without stimulating the nipples/areloa directly?

I have been reaching down to my clitoris now and then during karezza... I thought I had to do that in order to maintain a medium level of sexual excitement? Should I avoid clitoral stimulation altogether? I'm still only beginning to understand how this all works. I have "Cupid's" and "Tantric Sex for Men" in my amazon shopping cart, I just have to click "order"!

-Mrs. Tornfromabook

Very interesting!

What you say makes sense and it probably has much to do with your original tightness/pain.

And yes, it's so liberating to lose the urge to masturbate~~it was always sort of a nagging feeling that needed to be quelled. Now that it's gone, I feel more at peace.

I think as far as clitoral stimulation, Diana says it is best if you don't use it as foreplay because your vagina will constrict and tense up *before* intercourse~~but once you are in the mode and relaxed, it's not as important to avoid it.

As far as breasts, if your husband can just gently cup your breasts it will connect your positive polarity to him. This has been one of the most eye-opening parts of karezza for me; I never realized how much sexual energy my breasts could emit to my lover. You just don't get that during conventional sex (the breasts are often just an ignored side dish).

You might as well put all of Diana's books in your cart! I love them all and each one has taught me something valuable.

rediscovered

Interesting comment

Interesting comment rediscovered. I thought I was losing it the other night. As my wife and I laid together, I focused on cupping her breast (I have big hands so it works well). She said she loved it and I felt some strange energy while doing it. I can't explain it and wondered if I was losing it. It almost seemed to come in waves at times. Does that make sense?

Complete sense!

Her breasts have the same energy as your penis! If you were to lie together and she cupped her hand on your penis and you cupped your hand on her breast, the two of you would make a complete energy circuit.

Over time as you do this, you will find yourself getting *very* highly aroused by touching her breasts (as will she). It's the key to opening a woman up, so to speak.

Have fun with that, ha!

rediscovered

Delighted to hear

your side of the story.

It's a funny formula: Frequent sex; infrequent orgasm. But it can really do amazing things. I'm really glad to know you have it in your tool chest. Definitely makes coping with relatives *way* easier. Wink

Keep us posted.

I'm hoping it also makes it

I'm hoping it also makes it easier for us to remain intimate during the post partum period, when I won't physically be able to have intercourse. They should put that in all the books; they mention how important skin-on-skin is between a mother and her new baby, but not between the husband and wife!

Welcome

It is wonderful to have another couple in the group--and to have both of you posting! You are very lucky to be starting with karezza so young.

I strongly recommend that you and your husband both read books by Diana and Michael Richardson, especially Tantric Sex for Men and the mis-named Tantric Orgasm for Women. *Lots* of good information about the energy exchange potential of karezza, something your husband, in particular, seems interested in. *Lots* of ideas for things to do together, too.

Finally, I wanted to put a plug in for soft entry--which might help to avoid pain as well. Perhaps soft entry isn't realistic for a 27 year old man, I don't know. But, it is a wonderful experience to feel the penis growing inside.

"Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I saw soft entry mentioned

I saw soft entry mentioned several times on this website, I'm not sure how it physically works though. I asked my husband about it and he said it sounded like a way to make him way too excited (is this what you meant by "isn't realistic for a 27 year old"?), but it is ultimately something we should be able to do. From a vaginal perspective it sounds great- I would love to feel his penis conform to the shape of my vagina, rather than the other way around for once!

I will check out those books. Should I buy both of them?

Personally,

I'd start with Tantric Sex for Men. It's short, accessible and lighter on the gender politics. All of Diana's books are very similar, although each also has a few novel explanations, just as Rediscovered said. Soft entry is covered in all of the ones I've read.