I thought I should contribute to this blog as well... I'm Mrs. Tornfromabook. I think a little context would be helpful for other people who may be reading this... my husband is 27 and I am 23. We have been married for 2 years and have been together for almost 5 years. We are expecting our first child at the end of August.
My husband was the first man I was ever intimate with, and we dated for almost a full year before I was ready for intercourse. Intercourse was physically very painful for me for for at least two years (I blamed it on his large penis size, he blamed it on my uptightness). Both of us had been compulsive masturbators before we met (sometimes orgasming 6 times a day), and this of course was a big source of tension for both of us. It caused me to clamp down and it caused him to rush in, hence the pain. I discovered his porn collection around the time I was trying to loose my virginity to him, and it really hurt me. I once more found porn on his computer a few months after that, but then the porn was gone for good and that was a huge leap forward for him and for our relationship.
The less I masturbated, the less it hurt to have sex, and then my husband discovered this website. So we began half-heartedly trying to quit orgasms altogether. He would usually make me orgasm during foreplay to relax me, and then we would have intercourse without orgasm (so…it wasn't really sex without orgasm for me! but it was the only way he could enter me without me wincing). After a few months he just stopped abstaining and we went back to steamy sex. I think it was because I was finally not in as much pain anymore and we were wanting a "normal" sex life.
Fast forward to this past December, when I found out I was pregnant... trying to get pregnant and the pregnancy itself really ramped up my sexual energy and our sex just got steamier. It was fun for a while, but my husband was feeling pretty depressed and irritated by our living situation (we live with my parents and two teenage brothers) and couldn't really keep up with me sexually, so I started masturbating again. The sex we did have was five minutes long and was basically him trying not to orgasm the whole time. It was just all-around yucky. I mentioned to him a few times "hey...why aren't we doing that no orgasm thing anymore?" and eventually we got back into it, which is where we are now.
It has been two weeks since my last orgasm and three weeks since his.
Some recent observations... It's really great to be rediscovering this kind of sex since my belly is quite big now (I'm in my 7th month) and I can't really move much during sex anyways. He seems to be coping with the stress of living here MUCH better, as he feels less irritated by other people. I also feel much less irritated with him, in ways I didn't even realize I WAS irritated. Before, I would be affectionate toward him and not receive any kind of affection back, which was emotionally draining but I kept it up because I thought he just needed my support (not a bad strategy, but not one I could keep up forever). I think I was kind of resenting him for being depressed all the time, since it meant more work for me in the relationship at a time when I didn't really have the energy, being pregnant and high-needs myself. Now we always seem to have plenty of energy to be affectionate toward each other. We went from having steamy sex every 3-5 days (for an average 10-15 minutes) to having slow, non-orgasmic sex every day (for about an hour) and spending a good deal of time skin-on-skin (I'd say a good 3 hours a day). We have started kissing again, which is something we hadn't realized we had stopped doing. We laugh and smile and talk during sex. Entry is still a little sensitive but sometimes it doesn't hurt at all, which feels like a miracle after all these years. After we had sex, we used to talk about all the things we were stressed out about, but now we talk about how much we look forward to our future as we start our family.
Before, I would often have dreams about having sex with other people (male and female even though I identify as heterosexual), sometimes having orgasms in my sleep. I brushed it off as just a natural part of committing yourself for life to the person you lost your virginity to (wouldn't I always wonder what it was like to have sex with someone else? That's not the same as lust, right?). Now I only dream about him. He mentioned how he sees all women as radiant now… I don't know what to think of that! I certainly don't think all men are radiant and beautiful… I'm more likely to feel a little scared of them (or sad for them) as I imagine what kinds of porn they are probably addicted to. And when I look at women, I just feel sad because I know most of them are convinced that more female orgasm is the answer to the patriarchy of our society. So abstaining from orgasm has made me a bit of a sex snob!
A few new things he has mentioned that I wanted to add on his behalf:
A big new thing is an aversion to substances. Possibly having to do with balanced neurochemistry? He usually depends on some small amount of caffeine daily but now can't even touch it. He also enjoys quite a bit of cannabis, and has for years, but he has been abstaining from that as well (he hasn't felt the desire to smoke since abstaining from orgasm). He smoked last night and today he has a terrible headache and has slept all day. He had a glass of white wine with dinner the other night, and normally alcohol makes him feel like "Ugh why am I drinking this? This is terrible. I need to have another". But this time he was able to enjoy the one glass and not feel the need to continue drinking.
Speaking of substances, we have taken psychedelics together in the past and both times we had interesting sexual experiences which now have new meaning. While taking mushrooms, it seemed to me that the proper way to have sex is to just have it all the time, but I didn't understand what that revelation meant until abstaining from orgasm. Now it really does feel like every moment we spend together, even just holding hands, is surrounded by an innocent, spiritual sexual glow… like everything is sex and sex is everything (rather than an excitement- driven event with a beginning and an end and a hangover). On LSD once, we started to have sex, but then he started crying and talking about all the pressure he puts on himself to perform for and satisfy me. He expressed a need to feel okay with himself if he lost his erection during sex (not that he ever did, but he was apparently very scared of it). He seems to be facing this fear while abstaining from orgasm this time around… pretty much every time we have slow sex he allows himself to loose and then regain his erection. It feels great for it to be no big deal, and to just let our sexual energy ebb and flow as it needs to.