There are moments in our lives that offer such clarity that their truth is undeniable. It is the Ah Ha moments where the puzzle pieces in our mind fit together and things just make sense. It's an understanding that is so deeply rooted that it never escapes us - verses memory which always seems to be hanging on by a thread.
I believe I experienced one of those moments just recently. In fact, it wasn't so much a single moment - but more a series of moments which very much included my dark depression with porn addiction. The realization that I had was simple, yet had, has, and will have many implications on how I see and live my life. To get there I had to go through a personal hell — a hell I have been living for a very very long time and only now starting to awaken from.
In fact, it's not so much something that I have found. More it's that I now know what I am looking for. Me - big M which shouldn't be confused with me -little m. That capitalization makes a big difference - all the difference, in fact.
"me" (small m) has been the dominant player so far in my life. It is my ego. It says, Hi, my name is Ryan. I am....I have....I want...I need....
It has fears, it has doubts, it cares terribly about what others think of him, and frets over the little things in life. My ego is certainly useful in life since it helps me identify who I am and gives me uniqueness, but it has been left to dominate — and when it does, it takes over. It hangs on to the past and fears the future. It reigns in the pleasure/reward centre of my brain and, when left to its own devices, will seek its own ends to no end - for it knows it is of this world and will one day die.
So who is this Me - big M? "Me" is my soul. It lives in the present and strives to make things right. It cares about life - which is you, him, her, dogs, and even cows. It cares about truth and freedom. It SEEKS truth and freedom. My soul is wise and knows the way out of this maze. It knows it is not alone and is connected to all living beings. My soul knows where it came from and desires to lead me back - to the Creator.
Now when we talk of "will", I can see now that we have two wills. One small w and one big W. I can now see more clearly when the little will is speaking - because it is accompanied by fear, pain, and sorrow. My big Will speaks of peace, love, and harmony.
What I know now, and can see quite clearly, is how all of us - in our own ways - are living from these two wills, these two me's. But most importantly, is I am beginning to see them in myself. And I KNOW which voice I will endeavor to listen to.
But I must work hard and practice moment by moment to shed my layers of me that are impermanent and full of suffering...and embrace the soul which is the light of God.
There are many maps - many tools - but I have chosen Yoga to find out who I really am.
I am ready to lay myself (small m) down, trust in My Higher Power, and act in faith. It won't be easy, but I'm pretty darn excited to lead my life the way it was supposed to be lead...with love.