Submitted by phoenix451 on
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Hey all! Marnia and Gary, at first I want to let you know how much I value your work. I really appreciate your devotion to this topics and your holistic approach, the marriage of evolutionary aspects of our elemental biology with spiritual aspects hidden in ancient wisdom.

5 years with porn and masturbation

Like so many young people today in modern culture I never gave it a deeper thought which long-term effects masturbation and porn could have on ones life. Somehow with age 14 or 15 I discovered a completely new feeling like nothing I ever experienced before. I was quite an "innocent" child, nobody had ever told me anything about sexual feelings in puberty, I didn't even know that something like masturbation exists. When fellow children talked about this and used such words before I always felt irritated or expelled because it wasn't clear for me what they were talking about.

So I discovered this strange sexual sensation when seing girls/woman and for month I didn't know how to release my tension. In school erections surprised me everyday out of nowhere several times, not related to fantasies or sexual thoughts. I suffered from severe anxiety due to this because I always thought others could detect my erection, every day in school went into a nightmare.

I still didn't know how to masturbate but I liked the sexual feeling and began to view pornographic pictures. In the beginning I used the playboy website because I wasn't aware of other stuff. The first time I looked at those hot pictures the feeling seemed to be out of this world, just ineffably. Suddenly I knew there was something worth living for, everything else was just boring everyday life and my slight depression lifted. Had I known back then the biology behind my feeling - that it was simply an artificial dopamine kick which messes with my brain chemistry, the same mechanism behind drugs like heroin or cocaine - I wouldn't have spend the next 5 years gorging on porn and masturbation every single day.

I always was introverted, spend my time reading and, later, doing research about interesting topics, was disgusted by superficial and immature small-talk (which was the norm at school) and afraid of being hurt by others when opening up, but it seems those years spending with watching porn regularly - from age 15 to 19 - made it all worse. In the end I have failed to work at myself, so it is me who is now unable to overcome his immatureness, his unconscious chosen solitude. This solitude was a vicious cicle, leading more and more to my unability to handle social interaction.

My self-confidence plummeted during this time and especially my relationship to the opposite sex was, well, almost non-existing in sexual terms. While friends/class mates began sexual relationships I was never able to talk to attractive girls openly, never gained attraction, and watched jealous while thinking that I would never experience the gift of such a relationship. Though, it was a cleaved feeling because at the same time I knew I wanted a deep relationship with more than sexual things but I knew no girl with the same goal. I thought this was what kept me from being attractive but maybe it was merely the fact that I lost all my sexual energy to masturbation and that my innocent sense for real women deadened slowly with porn and it's constant demand of perfect erotic bodies.. From simple pictures, I went over inoccent videos, but as time went by I needed more stimulation and, especially, new videos/virtual women to increase my pleasure.

Additionally I began to masturbate prone from the beginning and it really was like heaven. I tried it in other ways but I never got such a big stimulation response than with masturbating prone. Masturbating once or twice a day (before sleep and in the afternoon if I was to depressed and needed the high) it was my escape from reality. From the fact that I didn't knew people I could talk to about topics I was interested in and that I was unhappy with my life - school life made me depressive - I fled to this artificial drug: porn and masturbation/orgasm. It was not unusual to watch porn 2 or 3 hours a day.

1 year without porn

However, one year ago (with 19), I changed my environment and due to circumstances no chance to watch porn regularly ever since (only 2 or 3 times in this year maybe). So I am without porn for one year at the moment, it wasn't difficult at all. I also changed my masturbation habits, but I needed at least one orgasm a week to release the tension. There were some periods during the last years were I didn't masturbate for 2 or 3 weeks but most of the time it happened at least every first or second week - sometimes more, sometimes less. I always used my "stored" fantasy to masturbate, so nevertheless the porn images are really imprinted in my brain. Just as the way I am doing it (prone) is.

21 days without masturbation

A few weeks ago I came across your website, read all the experiences from other users and was astonished that PMO could have such profound effect on ones life. At once I stopped masturbation and fantasizing (of course also no porn as before). This was 3 weeks ago, not difficult for me at all.

This night I had an orgasm during sleep and today I feel really bad (severe brain fog, irritability). But I don't know if it is really the cause because for 2 or 3 days now I feel a little bit irritated, bad tempered. Today it just got worse. Nothing like the calmness before. I am in a bad mood, feel like my whole life is nerving and I just want to be alone. Being with others leads to conflicts very fast, I get angry. etc., so my mood is apparently unstable. At the moment I can barely concentrate. Maybe it's just the fact that I moved to visit my family 2 weeks ago and it's just the daily routine between me and them which pulls me off...

For the 10 days a few days after quitting I noticed no libido and a kind of calmness I never felt before, but it was very subtle, so I am not sure if it was real. My libido came back a week ago, I felt sexually energetic, but also calm. I began to have sexual dreams. Interestingly, the difference to former dreams was that I started to approach women, started to engage with them because I felt this urge to have sexual contact. Well, at least in my dreams I am able to socialise with the opposite sex.^^ I never dared to make contact with attractive girls because of my low self-esteem. Maybe this is gonna change?

At the moment I feel a little bit discharged (like a battery) sexually after the orgasm this night. Do unwanted orgasms during sleep hinder my progress anyway?

I would love to talk about improvements after 3 weeks without masturbation/orgasm/fantasizing but all in all I don't seem to make progress. Maybe due to prone masturbation (very intense, I think) and the fact that I repeated all the porn images during masturbation until recently I have to go a long way for rebooting/reprogramming my neurological pathways and hormonal imbalances.

There is one thing I wonder about, that is to say why it isn't difficult for me at all to stay abstinent from masturbating during the last 3 weeks. Even when I have an erection I don't feel like I have to do it. The moment I realized how bad it is for me, I stopped immediatly. But maybe it is just a low-libido phase I go through and in a few weeks it gets irresistible, who knows...

Thanks letting me write this and for reading, I hope it wasn't so boring. I tried to articulate my thoughts clearly but english isn't my first language. Just that you know why some sentences may be not so comprehensible.

*Added: btw, I plan to do at least 8 - 10 weeks without PMO or maybe just until I find a girlfriend (alone to think about it is heresy, I almost don't dare to write this hope down. It's just to far from possible for me - I never had a girlfriend). There is nothing in masturbating which appeals to me anymore. I don't want to escape from life, I don't want to be addicted, I don't want to hijack my own brain. I want to experience life in all it's different nuances, in every moment. Whether I laugh or cry, whether I am with friends or in solitude, this life is too valuable to throw it away and hide behind mind altering dopamine kicks. I look forward engaging socially more, if I can't find real friends than at least I have a mirror to evaluate my own behaviour and improve it. Of course, these are only words and when it comes to women I tend to be that introverted (it's already social anxiety) and behave so awkward, shy and just not me that I don't have any opportunity to get to know them just because I am so cramped emotionally. :(

Thanks for sharing your story

Your description of the innocent discovery of those delicious feelings is beautiful. Biology *really* wants us to get the job done. Wink We really need better education about the effects of orgasm on the brain, eh?

I wouldn't take my mood shifts after orgasm too seriously if I were you. They really are unpredictable and don't mean very much about your potential to be happy. Smile Some people are really sensitive to the neurochemical fallout from orgasm. That may level out somewhat as you give yourself a bit more time.

Quite honestly, if you keep going, you'll answer your own questions. The situation will change for a while. For example, and it's hard to say whether your ease in avoiding porn is due to a sort of neurochemical "flatline." It could well be, even though it doesn't affect your erectile health.

I would love to hear your experiences as you go forward. Start making eye contact with women. And smile if you can. That should lead to other things fairly quickly now that you know how to store your "mojo." Wink

Your English is quite good, so no worries there! I've also enabled you to blog if you want to keep a "journal" here.

Re

Hehe, glad you liked that description Wink

We really need better education about the effects of orgasm on the brain, eh?

Yeah... You can't fight your addiction if you don't even know it exists. So many millions of people are sucked into this without a clue.

I wouldn't take my mood shifts after orgasm too seriously if I were you. They really are unpredictable and don't mean very much about your potential to be happy.

Okay. Anyway it's frightening how brain changes can alter ones very personality that much. We seem to be simply puppets of our own evolutionary history. The first day after was the worst. I still can't believe that my orgasm was behind that. It's just too far away from everything I learned about that thing.

Quite honestly, if you keep going, you'll answer your own questions. The situation will change for a while. For example, and it's hard to say whether your ease in avoiding porn is due to a sort of neurochemical "flatline." It could well be, even though it doesn't affect your erectile health.

As I described, It's more the ease in avoiding masturbation/orgasm/fantasizing than porn, which I gave up long ago. But even that surprises me as well. Anyway, I never had problems doing something if I know it's right. The problems come when I can't reach "perfection" Wink
I will be patiently observing myself through the next weeks.

I would love to hear your experiences as you go forward. Start making eye contact with women. And smile if you can. That should lead to other things fairly quickly now that you know how to store your "mojo." Wink

I will report them for sure! I will have that advice in mind, I think it will get a lot easier once I am of M/O for a while do make contact with women, as others described. I am really happy to have the opportunity to discuss these things here so openly :)

...

well, the porn videos I used to watch eventually was like what is considered as moderate I think. Nothing extreme, but also nothing "soft" (kissing, petting) like in the beginning...

I am feeling okay, nothing to report yet. Does hinder smoking the process? Is there any clue that it messes up with the dopamine balance?