Been an excessive masturbator since I was 11/12. I'm 35 now. Up until recently I've never really looked into the idea that porn may cause ED (weeeeell, if I could still spank it between 1-5 times per day, then I must still have that 'magic', yus????!) Over recent months, all I seem to have done is finish work > get back home and fire up the PC > look at porn for four/five hours, spanking it 1-3 times during that period. Every night. A lot of the time, I wanked out of routine, it's just the thing I do. I've been doing it for over twenty years, it's what I do, never questioned it.
My last long-term relationship broke up a few months back. We rarely had sex, I rarely got *truly* excited (my ex-girlfriend was gorgeous, *exactly* like the women I was spanking over!!!) It was an odd realisation. Not getting turned on by my visual ideal. Plus, I'm a very active, youthful, fit guy with loads of energy. Surely THEY don't get dick problems, surely not??? (Yup!)
When we did have "successful sex", I'd do a lot of foreplay to her and would (covertly) vigorously jerk my dick to a fleeting hard-on, which I would dunk in when I'd finally got it stiff and was sure she was excited (this is embarrassing to write but so, so true!!!) It was like 'fake sex', I *did* ejaculate and enjoy the sensation but it was more a ruse to make her feel happy, it was an act I felt I had to do but had no real desire to (or maybe a very minor 1% glint of desire, but not the 100% I needed). Other times, we started off and then I couldn't get a woody. At all. She would suck it, play with it, I might get a semi-on but then that would be gone in very much less than 60 seconds. And then she would think there was a problem with her, her attractiveness/looks (there wasn't, like I said, twas a goddess) and I would feel there was *definitely* a problem with me (there is).
She was the first girl I was ever with, I was bullied at school, became withdrawn as a result, kept myself to myself and was a late starter, was a prolific, excessive masturbator long before I met her. There were probably only *two* spontaneous occasions in the early days when I TRULY made love to her without jerking it a bit before entry. I surprised myself, I was really good(!) But only those two occasions. I never figured the porn was in the equation. When I wasn't seeing her, I'd be whacking away in front of the PC, most of the time not really enjoying it *that* much but just doing it like clockwork. Wanking without a truly defining libido, and wanking lots for someone supposedly without libido, WTF!?
I'm (possibly?) lucky in the way that I never delved into 'deeper', more extreme types of porn, I don't really like hardcore that much, it was primarily solo photosets of various women, much the same type of softcore posing that I'd been jerking over since I was a kid via adult magazines. It's just...so many different women, how many I have 'fucked' in my mind, thousands!!!!
It's weird. I don't really have a libido anymore but there is a part inside of me that feels like a 'restrained bull', like a blueprint of sexuality within me that is currently 'out of service'. I crave women but the lust is rarely there, yet still I *want* them, look at them, think of them, look at their bodies, eyes, bums, tits, thighs, arms etc (which has elements of lust). I don't want the porn anymore, I want to feel randy around a REAL woman rather than sat in front of a computer, sock/towel in hand (such a miserable image), five hours a night for the rest of my life, all alone and f*cked-up.
I'm no Brad Pitt but I always get looks, smiles, that electricity of attraction is still there but the sexual part is messed up. I have no desire to be a horndog or anything, I just want a partner I can love and talk to and spend time with but also the awesome lust I used to have so we can have the great sex to combine us even further. In my last relationship, I was great at everything else, the sex part messed it up, we both lost confidence and the whole thing flatlined.
NOW I made the decision to totally stop looking at porn and masturbating exactly a week ago. I have not masturbated or looked at porn since then.
I'm major scared that I'm gonna stop and never regain my horniness, my mojo. I will ALWAYS love women, want to be with women, but I could never be with a woman and continually disappoint her sexually.
So, seven days on and my 'Horn' has not come back yet. Not really noticed a massive change in the lack of libido apart from split-second, momentary imagination-based sex fantasies on certain women at work which dissipate pretty quickly (but are nice, kind of like the "wank from memory" thoughts I used to have at school, not based on looking at porn). Not had 'blue balls' yet, have awoken to morning wood once, occasionally get this 'growing yearning' feel in my crotch, but no mental horniness.
I'm gonna persist for as long as I can but hope I'm not further damaging a dying sex drive by ignoring it totally ("use it or lose it???") I can do without porn, masturbation, 'fake sex' indefinitely as long as I get that 'Horn' back, that drive I have subdued since I was 11/12. Just want to kiss/cuddle, even *think of* an actual, REAL girl and be able to get it up naturally. I KNOW it's not a vascular problem (no real libido but can definitely achieve full - manipulated - erections during porn sessions and morning wood, occasional fleeting n' surprising stiffies) so surely there must be some chance of salvation(????)
Is it sounding good, people, or am I on a hiding to nothing, did my libido book tickets for a voyage on the Titanic????
Is this Reboot sounding promising?????
(Apologies for the loooooong post!!!!)
PS: I forgot to add that since I started masturbating at 11, I have been a consistent underachiever. I am more than capable of many things but my 'drive' to do them has not been there, it seems to have been replaced by a 'drive' for constant - and increasingly unsatisfying - orgasms.