7 days 'off' after 24 year 'bad habit'....will I ever get horny again??

Submitted by Gaspard on
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Hi everyone. Wink

Been an excessive masturbator since I was 11/12. I'm 35 now. Up until recently I've never really looked into the idea that porn may cause ED (weeeeell, if I could still spank it between 1-5 times per day, then I must still have that 'magic', yus????!) Over recent months, all I seem to have done is finish work > get back home and fire up the PC > look at porn for four/five hours, spanking it 1-3 times during that period. Every night. A lot of the time, I wanked out of routine, it's just the thing I do. I've been doing it for over twenty years, it's what I do, never questioned it.

My last long-term relationship broke up a few months back. We rarely had sex, I rarely got *truly* excited (my ex-girlfriend was gorgeous, *exactly* like the women I was spanking over!!!) It was an odd realisation. Not getting turned on by my visual ideal. Plus, I'm a very active, youthful, fit guy with loads of energy. Surely THEY don't get dick problems, surely not??? (Yup!)

When we did have "successful sex", I'd do a lot of foreplay to her and would (covertly) vigorously jerk my dick to a fleeting hard-on, which I would dunk in when I'd finally got it stiff and was sure she was excited (this is embarrassing to write but so, so true!!!) It was like 'fake sex', I *did* ejaculate and enjoy the sensation but it was more a ruse to make her feel happy, it was an act I felt I had to do but had no real desire to (or maybe a very minor 1% glint of desire, but not the 100% I needed). Other times, we started off and then I couldn't get a woody. At all. She would suck it, play with it, I might get a semi-on but then that would be gone in very much less than 60 seconds. And then she would think there was a problem with her, her attractiveness/looks (there wasn't, like I said, twas a goddess) and I would feel there was *definitely* a problem with me (there is).

She was the first girl I was ever with, I was bullied at school, became withdrawn as a result, kept myself to myself and was a late starter, was a prolific, excessive masturbator long before I met her. There were probably only *two* spontaneous occasions in the early days when I TRULY made love to her without jerking it a bit before entry. I surprised myself, I was really good(!) But only those two occasions. I never figured the porn was in the equation. When I wasn't seeing her, I'd be whacking away in front of the PC, most of the time not really enjoying it *that* much but just doing it like clockwork. Wanking without a truly defining libido, and wanking lots for someone supposedly without libido, WTF!?

I'm (possibly?) lucky in the way that I never delved into 'deeper', more extreme types of porn, I don't really like hardcore that much, it was primarily solo photosets of various women, much the same type of softcore posing that I'd been jerking over since I was a kid via adult magazines. It's just...so many different women, how many I have 'fucked' in my mind, thousands!!!!

It's weird. I don't really have a libido anymore but there is a part inside of me that feels like a 'restrained bull', like a blueprint of sexuality within me that is currently 'out of service'. I crave women but the lust is rarely there, yet still I *want* them, look at them, think of them, look at their bodies, eyes, bums, tits, thighs, arms etc (which has elements of lust). I don't want the porn anymore, I want to feel randy around a REAL woman rather than sat in front of a computer, sock/towel in hand (such a miserable image), five hours a night for the rest of my life, all alone and f*cked-up.

I'm no Brad Pitt but I always get looks, smiles, that electricity of attraction is still there but the sexual part is messed up. I have no desire to be a horndog or anything, I just want a partner I can love and talk to and spend time with but also the awesome lust I used to have so we can have the great sex to combine us even further. In my last relationship, I was great at everything else, the sex part messed it up, we both lost confidence and the whole thing flatlined.

NOW I made the decision to totally stop looking at porn and masturbating exactly a week ago. I have not masturbated or looked at porn since then.

I'm major scared that I'm gonna stop and never regain my horniness, my mojo. I will ALWAYS love women, want to be with women, but I could never be with a woman and continually disappoint her sexually.

So, seven days on and my 'Horn' has not come back yet. Not really noticed a massive change in the lack of libido apart from split-second, momentary imagination-based sex fantasies on certain women at work which dissipate pretty quickly (but are nice, kind of like the "wank from memory" thoughts I used to have at school, not based on looking at porn). Not had 'blue balls' yet, have awoken to morning wood once, occasionally get this 'growing yearning' feel in my crotch, but no mental horniness.

I'm gonna persist for as long as I can but hope I'm not further damaging a dying sex drive by ignoring it totally ("use it or lose it???") I can do without porn, masturbation, 'fake sex' indefinitely as long as I get that 'Horn' back, that drive I have subdued since I was 11/12. Just want to kiss/cuddle, even *think of* an actual, REAL girl and be able to get it up naturally. I KNOW it's not a vascular problem (no real libido but can definitely achieve full - manipulated - erections during porn sessions and morning wood, occasional fleeting n' surprising stiffies) so surely there must be some chance of salvation(????)

Is it sounding good, people, or am I on a hiding to nothing, did my libido book tickets for a voyage on the Titanic????

Is this Reboot sounding promising?????

(Apologies for the loooooong post!!!!)

Kind regards,

Gaspard :)

PS: I forgot to add that since I started masturbating at 11, I have been a consistent underachiever. I am more than capable of many things but my 'drive' to do them has not been there, it seems to have been replaced by a 'drive' for constant - and increasingly unsatisfying - orgasms.

I think you will recover.

You have been masturbating alot for a long time. So it makes perfect sense that you have this problem. I think you will find that if you can abstain for two months or so you will recover your virility. It sounds like you are healthy otherwise. I look forward to following your progress if you share it here.

^Thanks T. Two months sounds

^Thanks T. Two months sounds a long time but one week seemed a long time one week ago.

When I made that initial decision, my brain went all crazy, almost like when you decide to quit cigarettes but it hasn't been that bad so far. :)

hi gaspar welcome to the

hi gaspar
welcome to the community Wink
I have a similar story, like all of us here.
been jerking off to porn since my 20's, I'm 44 now.
started to have ED problems a few years back.
I've always been a ladie's man - but I could never get the ones I really wanted. My porn-addicted brain interfered.
Counseling helped, a lot.
And then this site was a major breakthrough.
I'm on a celibacy cure since almost 6 weeks now.
The progression is slow but constant, although there have been some relapses.
Most important, I've totally given up prostitutes and almost totally porn.
Feel soooooooo much better.
Had sex several times in this period, once with a girl I only dreamt of before. Had some ED problems (late, alcohol) but the general direction is what counts.
I don't feel I'm cured yet - it may take some more time, like you, I have a long history of masturbating to porn - but there are sooooo many things which have gotten better in my life - all that time, that energy, which were dilapidated on the floor of porn video booths or, later on, in front of my computer - are now used to get me to achieve my life goals.
You have to be aware that porn is a way to escape from reality, because people like us have, for reasons stemming from our childhood, great difficulties in facing the challenges of real life.
And the greatest challenge - a real relationship with a real woman.
So think about your goal, about making your dreams come true, look for advice and support here - and in real life.
For instance, I found it's possible to talk about my porn induced ED to my girlfriends - women tend to be naturally supportive of men, that's one of the many great things about them and that's why it's best to seek them out in real life.
Sooo much better for yourself, sooo much more fun. :)

love to all


Hi marvol and hi Marnia,

Hi marvol and hi Marnia, thanks for your replies. :)

@Marnia, so many interesting accounts to read there, many thanx for the links, SO much!

@marvol, that thing about having more TIME....it's pretty crazy. Just got back in from work and my "porn time" feels like an abyss, four/five hours to fill, there is still *that* urge to just sit at the PC and start cruising my favourite BBW sites, even though I'm not particularly horny. It's a mad readjustment phase that I will hopefully be able to harness usefully and creatively. Thinking of all the hours I've wasted basically doing nothing constructive, just emptying them sacs, all a sad, little waste, really and a quite SHOCKING fact to finally admit to myself.

One good thing I did earlier was to empty my Bookmarks in Firefox. Over 500 of them, 99% being links to picture sets of various women!!! All are gone now, my online harem is no more. Wink

Anyway, now on Day 8 and not much has changed from Day 7. At one point, I was just walking up a corridor at a brisk pace and did feel a quite pleasant sensation as my dick bobbed back and forth in my trousers. Also had a 10-minute moment in time where I was thinking about certain women at work, sexy thoughts but NOT porn-type thoughts, kind of tactile thoughts based on real sex experiences, not imagery-based thoughts (is this a correct distinction to make or is it better to lay off sexy thoughts *entirely* during the Reboot phase?).

Sadly, not many more horny thoughts afterwards but at least there's some promise there.

Think I might start a blog once I figure out how, plus will be a useful way to start filling that abyss... :)

PS: Notice I am listening to Hip Hop LOTS again. I'm nerdy but well into 'tru skool' Hip Hop since the early/mid-90s, been kind of off music of late. Those big beats are calling me, somehow (this is weird, but I kinda like it, some fire is appearing in one's belly. Well, maybe a *spark* at least...) :)!

Glad you're feeling stirrings

Smile Spontaneous sexy thoughts (not porn-inspired) may not cause much trouble, but most guys say that avoiding fantasy (like avoiding "edging") actually makes them calmer. This makes sense for neurochemical reasons.

I think feeling music more is a definite sign that your brain sensitivity is picking up. Enjoy!

Nice job deleting the bookmarks, but you may also need to protect your computer in other ways. Ideas here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change#computer Remember, the part of your brain that porn affects can send out very loud "SOS" messages when you are stressed. They can make you feel like your survival is at stake. (It isn't. Wink ) If porn is available via your computer, you will suffer exhausting, agonizing inner conflict, even if you manage to resist. (And often even if you resist one day, it "gets" you the next.) By making porn unavailable, you avoid this inner conflict.

Blogging instructions: http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

Cheers Marnia, will look

Cheers Marnia, will look into that. Wink

Only trouble is with the 'filter' option is that if I'm obsessed enough then I'll just find a way to turn off the filters! I'm kind of obsessed with not being addicted right now, I like the feeling of being in control and the strange, experimental 'voyage' my mind/body is going on right now. I've given myself eight weeks of abstinence to contend with and will get VERY disappointed with myself if I relapse. What's good is, I have a DRIVE with this thing, I'm stoked to see the way it'll go, so very curious. This drive seems way bigger than the porn urge, I'm aching to get 'normal' again, or at least someplace approaching that.

Also notice I'm writing/drawing much more. All I did yesterday in the 'abyss' (AKA 'former porn time') was WRITING. Also read three books this past week, haven't read a book in six months prior to this. I like all this. Makes me realise how much I've been wasting what I have but glad because it's still there, thought all that had gone, too.

Obviously

you find all these things very rewarding, which is terrific. That actually suggests your "executive control" is in good shape...which is not always the case in long-term heavy users.

Keep us posted on your findings. Wink

Well,

I guess we're all donkeys. Wink That is, our brains are set up to keep us slightly dissatisfied even at the best of times...so we don't miss promising opportunities. In other words, so we get up off our buttocks in the morning. Smile

The trick is just to stick to rewards that enrich our lives and keep us balanced, rather than falling into those that actually numb our brains to pleasure and satisfaction.

Wishing you luck!