What's the woman's role in karezza?

Submitted by Karezza Korner on
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(Rachel) I'm currently reading two books at once: Diana Richardson's "Slow Sex" and Barry Long's "To Woman In Love." They both talk about the woman's role in sex and love and how that role is to be the receptive and passive one, the one who is love, the one who receives the energy of man and soothes his soul.

And I see this happening in my own relationship. My karezza experiences with my lover have taken on a new feel. I think this is because we are no longer having to think about what to do...it is almost second-nature now. This is a good thing because we are able to relax into the moment even more. Our minds stay *right there* and do not wander. It is the mind that plays the most powerful role. If your mind is not focused on the present, the body does not respond to your partner with the delicious electrical charge, but rather, a dull void.

My whole way of being has changed when it comes to my relationship. I am no longer trying to seduce or titillate nor excite my lover in the way I've always felt necessary. Now I just am. I just love. I just open my heart and my body and let him in. I don't try to control what we do. I don't try to steer our lovemaking a certain way.

I allow him the space to be masculine and assertive, and because of this, I think we are now more in sync and have established a beautiful rhythm to our lovemaking. Since we started doing this, it seems that I am pretty much always ready for lovemaking. I have started to let him be the one to decide when it happens because it seems to work so much better that way. I take any hungry feelings I have and turn them into loving feelings with touch and so forth.

When we are together, I think of my breasts as giving life to him and he responds in a way he never has before. So do I.

I relax my pelvis and no longer push against him when he is inside me. I let him hold my hips and pull me toward him. All of this makes me feel the most feminine I've ever felt in my life. And I feel like I am making love to the most divine man in the world.

As women, we are used to tensing up the vaginal walls during intercourse because we think it makes it more exciting for the man to have more friction (and because it helps us orgasm). If we relax, we think we will feel too "loose" to the man. I wasn't sure I could do it.

But I tried it. And Lord have mercy. It is the most heavenly thing I have ever experienced. It sounds simple, but it isn't. It is something I have to consciously stay focused on so I don't revert to my old habits. I was going to try to describe the difference it makes for me while making love (and what my lover tells me happens to him), but I cannot put it into words. It is something you have to experience for yourself.

The vagina becomes so open and receptive and welcoming, when you relax the pelvic floor, that it gives the man a wonderful feeling of being fully accepted. And when you do this while making love, the woman starts to draw the man up inside her like a magnet. When the man relaxes his pelvic floor, he is able to feel the sensations throughout the entire length of his penis. The penis stays erect, but soft enough to snake around and conform to the vagina. It almost seems to grow in length.

And when you are still, you can truly, truly feel the electricity passing between you and your lover. It just pulsates. There is no need for movement at times. You go into somewhat of a trancelike state where you just stay in the moment and feel. If you start to think of something other than the here and now, you direct yourself immediately back to the present.

And the juices just flow! In the past, if I had tried to have intercourse for two hours straight, well, it just wouldn't have been able to happen—I would have been dry and raw, and so over it. But I stay extremely wet and welcoming, which has a profound effect on his penis. I'm pretty sure this is the first time my lover has ever stayed erect (in varying degrees) for that long a time—and without getting tired or feeling pressured.

There are so many aspects of this: the healing aspect, the energy aspect, and it's all so dang relaxing and magical and mystical and yet thrilling at the same time.

I have not noticed any negative feeling afterward when an orgasm has truly appeared out of nowhere. When one of those has happened, I have managed to keep my normal positive feelings, and have not suffered. And I noticed that Diana even mentions this in her book, so perhaps it's not just me:

Avoiding a climax applies equally to man and woman. However, with woman there is one difference. When a woman is able to have an orgasm easily and with no effort at all, while in the state of relaxation and being (and not doing), then orgasm is perfectly beautiful. But when a woman works with effort and intention to reach orgasm, first, she will be lacking in presence, absent through a focus on the goal. Second, she is likely to cause her man to ejaculate. And third, there will be a buildup and crescendo of physical tension, some of which is discharged in orgasm and some of which remains in the woman's energy system. These tensions can later give rise to a negative swing either on the physical level (such as vaginal irritations or menstrual pain) or an emotional level (feeling insecure, unloved, abandoned).

Ah ha! But we already knew this, didn't we? And funnily enough, the times I have "gone for" orgasm, my lover has orgasmed simultaneously. The times I have had an orgasm without trying, my lover did not!

As for the other book,Barry Long is an interesting person and while I don't see eye-to-eye with him on many things, he has brought some really profound ideas to me that flow well with what I have learned from Diana.

First and foremost, that woman is love. Man comes to her for love and if she gives it fully, she allows man to return it. However, if man does not return it fully (and woman always knows when he does not), it is time to move on. Period! No arguing, no accusations, just realize this particular man cannot love you fully and find one who can. Ah ha! I love the simplicity of it. This line of thought has helped me reconcile what happened with my previous marriage, too. We both just moved on because we could no longer love each other fully. And there are no hard feelings. It just is what it is.

Long also says that any addiction you have (whether food, sex, porn, anorexia, bulimia, cigarettes, etc.) is caused by love—either the lack of it or the loss of it. He says that if you look 6-8 months prior to when an addiction began, you should be able to see an event involving love/lack of love that caused you to stop being your loving self, to stop loving yourself. This was also an "ah ha!" moment for me. I will spare you the details, but I was able to figure out what triggered a very hard time for me during my college years. And now that I know what caused it (a horribly devastating break-up), I will no longer think of myself in the same (derogatory) way for the things in my life that followed (food/body image issues).

I am loving the changes in myself, and that I am no longer what I consider "emotional" about things. I know this is a combination of karezza along with learning that emotions are never based in the present (although feelings are!), and also that they are *not* the essence of a woman (because they are not based in love).

Love is not an emotion, love is a state-of-being. I also credit my daily gratitude meditations with creating a true sense of peace within me. I was formerly queen of the "brain worms" and unable to sleep at night because of them. I now fall asleep into beautiful slumber, sometimes before I can even finish my meditations. Life is so very good now.

My lover told me recently that he doesn't even think about orgasm any more. The times he has slipped tend to be because either my thoughts went to his ejaculation or my actions caused it to happen. But even then, he doesn't have an orgasm, just an ejaculation. (He says it feels like it's "snatched out of him.") When my thoughts/actions don't go there, his don't, either. Interestingly, when I have an orgasm that comes out of nowhere, it does not have the same pulling effect on him at all.

(Hotspring) It there is anything I would share from my experiences, it is that the opening to this happens usually sequentially, and that the karezza perfectionist needs to be kicked out of the bedroom. She is a saboteur.

There have been times while making love where my receptive channel and pole opened naturally, and I was in a fully blissed out state of feeling and receiving my lover in stillness, to the point where I even felt him in my third eye! I was holding a vision of him. His Penis and Penetrating Awareness were particularly huge that day. His Penis was really loving, which is why I could receive him that deeply.

This doesn't happen every day tho. I have found that this path is about learning to open up whichever level you are at. It is just as exquisite to feel some of the deep pains held in my cervix lower down open up to the loving presence of his penis than it is to feel his penis in my third eye. We've just gotta go to the level we are at - and open. It does NOT matter where the opening happens. It only matters that the opening happens.

(More in reply to a husband speaking about his wife's tense orgasms) Is her vagina tense or relaxed? Tensing the vagina causes more friction leading to more of a guarantee of a mechanical orgasm, but it also reduces sensitivity over time. I've found that even while the vagina can reach orgasm through a lot of friction, that a gradual opening of the nerves of the vagina leads to the most sensitivity - so, slow teasing play at the opening of the vagina and then gradually coming more fully into it can make the whole vagina extremely sensitive and open, including the cervix, whereas deeper penetration sooner with more emphasis on friction will lead to a tightened vagina and less sensation deeper in.

Your wife could be completely differently designed I realize, or maybe has trained herself in a certain way. But my sense from your description is that she may have to struggle more for an orgasmic charge if she is holding her muscles tight or her breath. When you've learned to orgasm that way, it seems initially like relaxing the muscles and the breath would leave to the opposite effect. This is the surrender part. It's such an amazing feeling to learn that relaxation can actually result in more ecstasy, but first you have to retrain your brain to not associate relaxation with losing orgasmic charge.

It's tricky, but as she lets go more and new circuits of pleasure get built, the awareness can come away from such a genital and sharp focus, and the pleasure can move through the body more and then presence and consciousness on the beloved is more possible, because the focus is no longer on the orgasm. Also, I think orgasms that result from tense muscles (ie, hard and tight) are sharper, but also shorter and more on the surface. Relaxed orgasms spread further through the body and last longer and are overall softer but also deeper. Because the ascent to sharp, tight, mechanical orgasms is so steep, it is easier for a woman to fall off before reaching the top. Whereas if she is on a long gradual and relaxed climb, they will be more inevitable.

I realize its ironic talking this way, because supposedly we are interested in reducing orgasms in karezza, but I do think that orgasmic charge is part of the pleasure of karezza and a woman will still always want this charge even if she doesn't go to the end result. And being able to feel pleasure in a deeply relaxed state is the key to this.

I should add that I do think that toned muscles in the vagina are important. The problem is that most kegel exercises focus on the ability to strengthen and contract or tense the muscles, rather than the relaxation phase, or the bearing down and pushing out muscles (same used to give birth). These are reciprocal muscle groups. Exercising them both (with equal time pushing down and out, not just up and in) will create not just tone, but blood flow to the area. This will result in more natural sensation in sex for the woman, which will mean that she won't have to focus on producing certain sensations, and she can instead rely on her body to do that naturally so that she can put her attention on sensitivity and receptivity instead.

(D.) About 2 weeks ago, I started experimenting with letting my husband stimualte my breasts which I learned about in Diana's book Tantric Orgasm for Women, and "things" started happening for me, things I have never felt before. I had some really huge blocks about my breasts and now that is all completely healed up.

Also, we have just a few days ago been able to accomplish "deep penetration" for at least an hour without any discomfort for me. It has made a tremendous difference in the level of our relaxation and just feeling great in general. We have big smiles and much laughter all day long. It just keeps on getting better!

He and I have been together for 20 years and I have never seen him so happy. Just this week, I started giving him a daily penis massage and there has been some more releasing and healing going on for him. Amazing stuff we are learning. I keep thinking, "I wonder what new thing we will learn about next?"

(Rachel) I have learned to relax my pelvic floor (through Diana Richardson's teachings) which, when you are doing it consciously, feels like you are reaching toward your lover with your genitals. When I do this as he enters me, it allows the space inside me to open wider and allow him in without constriction. It's a risk most women never take with their lovers (to be that open and receptive and unguarded).

In turn, this lets me feel the energy from him move up through my spine and there it co-mingles with my own energy and then goes out my breasts (and then around and back up through my vagina).

The more I think about relaxing (and it's easier for me to do it if I think of it as a "giving" sensation~~I'm giving my vagina to him, relaxing it toward him, thus becoming more receptive in the process). This also helps me not orgasm because in order to orgasm, a certain amount of tension is needed in the woman.

Many times after deep, sustained penetration like this, we will both feel a long, drawn-out sensation of electrical (buzzing?) energy that ends with us both feeling satiated and a feeling that we are "done" (but without actual orgasms). It's much more energizing and fulfilling than conventional orgasms. We usually both feel this at the same time and it leaves us with a sigh of contentment and then we might lie together for awhile and talk and then we're done! Just lovely~



Barry Long

[quote=Karezza Korner](Rachel) ... Barry Long is an interesting person and while I don't see eye-to-eye with him on many things, he has brought some really profound ideas to me that flow well with what I have learned from Diana.

First and foremost, that woman is love. Man comes to her for love and if she gives it fully, she allows man to return it. However, if man does not return it fully (and woman always knows when he does not), it is time to move on. Period! No arguing, no accusations, just realize this particular man cannot love you fully and find one who can. Ah ha! I love the simplicity of it.


Love your post, as usual. I have read some Barry Long and agree completely with your assessment -- really profound, but don't agree with all he espouses. I particularly disagree with him on a woman quickly leaving a man that does not fully return her love. (I'm glad it worked for you.) In our case, I'm sure my dear Christine would have moved on a multitude of times over the years. Fortunately, we have chosen to stick it out, even through the periods when I wasn't returning her love, and the periods when she wasn't providing my needs. Through communication and perseverance we have learned and adjusted. Guess what? We're all different, and I disagree with his unconditional advice that every woman should move on in such a circumstance.

My interpretation

The first part of the equation is "the woman gives her love fully"~~and I interpret that in a different way than I would have 20, 10 or even two years ago. I think of it sexually *and* emotionally~~and if I were to give myself to my lover (all of me, mind, body and spirit) and I did not feel it returned to me, it would be time for me to move on.

Rachel (formerly known as rediscovered)

In his later years,

Long (I heard) lived with five...consorts. So maybe that "move on" advice acted as a very powerful pick-up line (Subtext: "I know how to give you the love you deserve...even if it's just a small portion of it.").

Just saying....

Ha ha

I'm sure you're right! He was quite the ladies' man, from what I understand... Wink

Regardless of Barry's love life, lol, the whole thing has just made me realize I never gave myself fully before (always held something back, whether it was my sexual self or my full loving self). It feels good to be able to give all my love (*all* of it) and not be afraid of being rejected or hurt.

Rachel (formerly known as rediscovered)

~Be present when you are with people. Breathe deeply and listen not only with your ears but more importantly with your heart~~


I guess couldn’t say for sure that Christine has ever given herself fully to me, not in the way you describe. I have no doubt that she loves me – she tells me every day (several times). I think her definition is not as all encompassing as yours. Perhaps it’s because of baggage she carries from her childhood due to her father’s adultery. Perhaps it’s because it doesn’t fit her image of a properly restrained Christian wife. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t fully loved her – I’m only now learning the unconditional thing. It’s been more “I’ll love you if you give me sex.”

I suspect

That if the Five were anything like this group:

Marnia, Rachel, SnowyOwl, Hotspring, Quizure.

He might have been too busy to get any writing done. Wink



he was quite good at keeping his ladies in check. When journalists wanted to interview them...he would only allow the women to write "statements," which he edited before releasing. Wink

Poor guy

Poor guy would definitely need a ghost writer, lol~

Rachel (formerly known as rediscovered)

~Be present when you are with people. Breathe deeply and listen not only with your ears but more importantly with your heart~~

Man's role

So what about the man's role? My experience is of service, that the woman is at the epicenter of all things sexual and I am built to serve her, to adore and honor her divinity in this relm, this is my role. I make my offering to the goddess and she showers me with her feminine gifts.

This is the deepest gift the practice of karezza has given me. I could be wrong here, but I believe any man who practices karezza fully will come to this truth in time.

When asked if I am religious, I say, "yes, I worship at the temple of the feminine form"


Somebody get a mop because I just turned into a puddle!! (love you, Darryl!)

Rachel (formerly known as rediscovered)

~Be present when you are with people. Breathe deeply and listen not only with your ears but more importantly with your heart~~

Slowing your man down~

I know we've had some talk here about how to slow your partner down when they are wanting to speed things up and turn karezza into conventional sex (going toward orgasm).

Yesterday afternoon, just before my lover arrived, I was reading "Slow Sex" and saw this quote:

"I discovered that if I put all my awareness into relaxation, widening and receiving, especially in the vagina (instead of being caught up in the mind), the man would slow down enormously and even sometimes come to a wide-eyed standstill. In this way woman does have a certain power as the receptive environment. A penis entering the space is immediately affected by the absorbent forces enveloping it, and it's better for her to direct her energies in this direction, see how she can directly transform the situation through awareness, rather than try to change her man."

So even though I feel I've gotten pretty good at "widening and receiving," I thought I would take one for the team Smile and see if I could *really* do it well, meaning, I was going to try to relax enough to actually push my cervix toward him.

Let me tell you, it worked like a charm! He would stop moving every time I did it (just to enjoy the moment, I feel very certain)~~AND~~I would notice that afterward, for me, I would get a very, long, slow tingling buzz that would stay on one "frequency" and it felt divine (sort of like the after effect of an orgasm, but with no beginning or end).

It's fun and it seems to be an excellent way to get the movement to stop without having to be forceful about it~~


~Be present when you are with people. Breathe deeply and listen not only with your ears but more importantly with your heart~~

Great article

really helpful to hear about relaxing the vagina during sex and your process of unlearning how a woman should sexually please a man. The new levels of connection between you and your partner sound awesome.

Thank you, Seirra~

I truly believe that when a woman *gets* it and I mean really, really understands the meaning and purpose of connecting sexually and how powerful her role is in it, the enlightenment she gains not only opens her eyes to the world around her, but also opens her heart and body and allows her to live in beautiful peace and happiness. That has been my experience thus far and it continues to evolve and get better~~


~A heart that is open to appreciate every blessing should always be bigger than the eyes that see what is missing. ~Rumi