Practicing karezza when you have children

Submitted by Karezza Korner on
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Someone asked me:

What about karezza for parents with kids? Do you and your wife have kids? It seems like the lovemaking process of karezza is so long and drawn out that parents with kids may not find this feasible to do (i.e., not enough energy etc).

(Darryl) Yes, we have two boys who are now 20 and 18. We began non-orgasmic lovemaking when they were about 5 and 7. We have always been open with our boys around things sexual and they know we are sexually active. They were free to come into our room when we were engaging. If they needed us, they would knock on our door, we would stop and say, "come in", we would hear what they wanted and suggest how they could take care of themselves. Obviously we would stop if there was some kind of crisis, but this rarely happened and they learned to give us space when our door was closed. They understood it was "mommy/daddy time" and not to disturb us except in case of emergency.

Of course, they also learned this was a great time to get away with things that we normally wouldn't allow—like scarfing a big bowl of ice cream first thing in the morning or finger painting the kitchen cabinets. We didn't mind too much, as long as they didn't go too overboard.

When our kids were really little, this was pre-karezza, we would engage in the evening after they were put to bed. We did what was called the family bed, (everyone slept in one big bed) so when we wanted sex we would say, "Let's go to the hotel" which meant the extra bed in the other room.

As far as energy goes, yes, a newborn can be quite consuming. On the other hand, karezza does not have to require a lot of energy. If you're tired and all you do is join bodies, move a little, and then fall asleep, this is still a slice of beautiful karezza.

On another note I recently explained karezza to my older son as he is now sexually active. He took to it right away, and although it might not be deep karezza at this point, he definitely engages in non-orgasmic lovemaking. From what I hear he's quite popular with the young ladies. This is truly a wonderful thing to pass on to my boys.

[Question]
Last Sunday morning after bed I and my wife connected for about an hour. We were both so relaxed and could go for an hour more. But we had to end it there because the kids had woken up early. We have two lovely children: 10 years old daughter and 7 years old son. In the afternoon we again connected but had to end mommy-daddy time again since our son was knocking our door. We find it impossible to engage in a long karezza love making in daytime with the kids around.
I want to hear the experience from the karezza couple with kids. How do you manage? Have they discovered your karezza? What do you tell them? Do anyone have come up with an idea?
Thanks advance.

(reply) For us it was just like everything else we had to do to work around the kids. Sometimes we had to work around their schedule and just slip in when we could, but other times we trained them to give us our alone time together. In the evenings for example, occasional bedtime for them meant being ready for bed with lots of storybooks to read and in their rooms for the night an hour ahead of actual bedtime. That gave them time to wind down, learn to be okay having quiet time to themselves, and gave us the extra hour beyond what we would have taken had they gone to bed at regular time.

(reply) We'd have at-home date nights where both kids spent the night at friends' houses (and we'd return the favor for their friends' parents).
On specified mornings, say every other Saturday, we'd tell them ahead of time that if they woke up before a certain time, they had to play quietly in their rooms until we came to get them, because we were taking our alone time together. They did try to test it and so at first we were interrupted, but they quickly found out we meant business. Eventually they came to accept and even enjoy the routine. It didn't happen that often, and we'd make it fun for them, giving them breakfast snacks they were allowed to eat in their rooms when they woke up the next morning. It felt like bedroom camping for them. I wouldn't trade raising kids for anything in the world. But we sure didn't complain when the empty nest years came around.

(another reply) We also work around with our kids schedule. We usually have 2-3 quickie karezza sessions for about 10 to 30 minutes whenever we can manage in the daytime on weekends. We don't forbid them to interrupt us and always respond to their call. My wife is a very caring mother and thinks that our kids' call should come before our hour long lovemaking.Actually bedtime is the main time of our lovemaking. Last night we remained connected for around 2-3 hours until we fell asleep.
Yes, we also have at home dates when our kids go to visit their uncle and aunt. This is the only time when we can do such things that we can't do like connecting and relaxing in the couch while watching tv.
Yes, our kids understand that mommy-daddy need some time alone together. But it is unlikely to keep us isolate for an hour or more from them. So we don't have any ruling for them. Sometimes it gets very romantic to get connected finding just a little opportunity.

(another reply) My kids are a little younger, but they know that if our door is closed, they should:
A) solve their own problem
B) slip a note under the door (we've gotten some hilarious ones)
C) if necessary, knock.
It seems like they're learning resourcefulness and problem solving during the times when we're not available, and they creatively entertain themselves, too. Life skills!
They have found us under a blanket a number of times. That's one thing we do - keep a blanket handy! We say we're resting; they might think it odd that we like to rest naked, but it is what it is. When we're connecting with a karezza attitude, it is a very private thing of course, but I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed, so I don't think they're picking up an idea that something shameful is happening.

(another reply) Our problem with our kids at a younger age seeing us karezzaing is that they wanted to join us. Hm.
By telling our kids there were private times they couldn't interrupt us unless an emergency, it had nothing to do with not being caring. Our time together benefited the whole family as a unit. It was carefully paced, age appropriate, and gently led into. IMO Kids feel very very secure when their parents are deeply in love and they know they are expressing it to each other. In that atmosphere, it's easier for them to start gently learning independence and learning how to sacrifice for another's needs now and then.
It also taught them sex continues joyfully after marriage -- unlike what they were taught in the media.
While we needed our privacy, we did eventually want them to know we were having sex during that time, for their current and future happiness and security as much as for ours.
It was win-win. Looking back, the fact that we nurtured our relationship that way is one of their fondest memories, and now they've grown into adults who still cherish their spouses years after faithful marriage. And they love my grandkids to death as well.
Another trick my dad told us as newlyweds that we never had a chance to try -- he told us to hide 29 quarters out in the safe fenced backyard. Tell the kids they can have as many as they find. But tell them you hid 30.
I loved that idea but I think I would have worried too much instead of enjoying intimacy. I'd be having visions of my kids climbing the fence out into the street, digging up the garden, chopping down the tree -- just about anything to find that last quarter.

(reply) It looks like we all have faced similar situation. So far 2-3 times our children have found us in bed during karezzaing since we forgot to lock the door. And blanket was the only thing that rescued us. One of the advantage of karezza is that this lovemaking is less shocking for a child wandering in since it looks like cuddling. Like 'Undying' we also said we are resting and I know it surely was odd to them seeing us resting naked in bed. And most funny thing is that last time our son wanted to join us like "Islande's kids."
I personally think quickie karezza lovemaking suits a couple with children more than the conventional lovemaking. They can connect without noises and can just stop when interrupted. Couple of month back we went to a family tour and stayed in a hotel. We rented a room with two bed. After kids fell into sleep we connected under the blanket and engaged in love making. I think we could never do this with the conventional way of lovemaking.
I didn't mean that telling kids not to interrupt in the private time has something to do with not being caring. You did very well to successfully raising you kids. Congratulation. I just said what we do. Actually we might be bit over-cautious.
I totally agree with you that children feel very very secure when they see their parents are in deep love. It tightens the bonding and unity within family. We don't mind to express our love but we try not to expose our ultimate lovemaking. That is the way we think.

(reply) The way kids are programmed to imitate, I agree with lovers13 about not exposing kids to the ultimate lovemaking. For their sakes, young kids might decide to try genital connection with inappropriate people and in wrong places just to imitate like kids pretend they're school teachers or bus drivers. On a personal level, also, I can feel myself being "watched." For some that might be a turn on but for me it's hugely distracting. And when it's my kids watching, the feeling is even more distracting, most likely the mothering instinct that turns off sex and is concerned only with the well-being of the child.
Still, there's the desire to have kids exposed to this type of sex, the full deal, before or at least along with conventional sex they're exposed to at younger and younger ages so they know there's a choice. Wish I knew the answer to that one.
BTW, we didn't call it karezza way back then -- didn't even know that existed. We discovered this kind of connection accidentally when my husband (temporarily) wasn't able to do conventional sex but wanted to be physically close and intimate. Once we felt what that did for us, it became something we continued to desire.

(reply) I 100% agree with you. The feel of being watched by our kids distracts us from enjoying closeness and turns off the mood.
Just like you, we also didn't knew about karezza though we have been doing something like this for about 3 years. Few days back I just learned the name karezza from here. It is good to know that so many people are into this what we do daily.
It actually was my beloved wife's idea. Being exhausted from daily works we didn't use to feel much attraction for sex and it became a weekly affair. My wife asked me to just connect with her before sleeping. I found it so effortlessly easy and moreover very much intimate. We enjoyed it so much that we started to regularly falling sleep being connected. And once that we started experimentally has become our part and parcel of our life.
Yesterday my wife showed me my son's exercise book where he wrote a paragraph on "My Mother". There he wrote ".... My mother loves my father very much. They are always in love. They never quarrels. They always stay together. I like that very much...." So sweet. We couldn't stop laughing.

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Comments

Teens and porn

Talking to my boys about porn was definitely a little akward but its too important a subject not to. I simply told them about the dangers and sent them to this site. That was before the "Your Brain On Porn" site. Being another male makes this somewhat easier but it must be done, mother or father. Whether it had an effect I cant say but I know they have the infromation now.

You could always email your son a link to "Your Brain on Porn" and he can look at it without you around.

From Mrs. Tornfromabook...

Wow!! Darryl, I am so excited to find that there are real people in real life who have lived the way my husband and I have only discussed in theory... we are due to have our first baby at the end of August and are planning on having a family bed as well. I have so many questions... should I send a private message or is this an appropriate place for a discussion? I don't want to clog up this blog, but I'd also like people to chime in if they can. I'm not sure I understand the right way to use these Karezza Corner blogs.

Why not start that thread

on your own blog, and make sure Darryl gets his butt over there? Also post a link to it here so others who are interested can find the continued discussion.

BTW, he asked me to let everyone know that he's about to go on vacation for a week (we give him time off now and then Wink ), so if he doesn't answer right away, it'll be a week or so.

Torn

Ah yes, the family bed. One of the best child rearing things we ever did. At one point it dawned on me: I don't like sleeping alone, why would a little helpless infant like it? Not to mention, in the middle of the night when the baby wants to nurse, you don't have to get up, half asleep, and drag yourself into the other room. Just roll over, stick a boob in their mouth and go back to sleep.

The idea that you would roll over and squash your kid is such nonsense. Believe me, you'd know it, and they would let you know it, loud and clear.

The three big question are:

1. How does anyone get some sleep?

2. What do you do about sex? and

3. How do you get them to want to move out? (No, our 18 and 20 year-olds do not still sleep with us!!)

Answers:

1. After a week you'll start sleeping through almost anything.

2. You go into another room to have sex (in our case, the ever erotic "hotel room", down the hall).

3. Mom and Dad get boring, and every child wants their own room. At 4, the first son left and the second one followed him shortly after. Big brother is much more interesting than we are.

Continuing sex and a newborn can definitely be a challenge. A new born can easily be all consuming.

We recognized that keeping our relationship alive was very important. It was us, before kids came along and it will be us again when they're gone. It's best for the whole family when the parents keep the spark between them alive. We both believe living for your kids doesn't serve anyone. Love em with all your heart, but make sure you save enough for your partner.

When we were kids, my mom

When we were kids, my mom slept in a twin bed with whichever one of us was the baby. My dad slept in his own bed, usually in a different room. As a new baby came along, we moved into bed with an older sibling or moved to our own bed. There was never any protest from any of us, and the progression felt natural and we loved being close to mommy or big brother/sister. I would definitely say that my parents weren't prioritizing their relationship though... they should have realized that sleeping in the same bed was as important for the two of them as it was for mom and baby. Especially because they didn't make up for the lack of cuddling at other times (it was a decade after I was born before they started "date night", and even then it was only about once per month that they bothered to schedule some time together). I'm not blaming the bed sharing for this... I'm just saying, I agree with you that we need to keep prioritizing our relationship. There is plenty of love to go around! Especially when you are generous with it (which we have learned from Karezza already). I think we are expecting the newborn period to be all-consuming, but we will just keep repeating to ourselves "it's not forever"...

-Mrs. Tornfromabook

Karezza and family-life

Our children are 4 and 7 and certainly do not feel like sleeping anywhere but with us. We have had some serious attachment issues with our 7 yo (difficult start in life) while our 4 yo has a wonderful and strong bond. They love to sleep with us and while a bedroom of her own has felt interesting to our 7 yo at times, when night comes, mommy's and daddy's is where she wants to sleep. And we love that, you can't give children too much of that. They'll move on when they feel ready.

I second the 'hotel room', and I know other attachment parenting families who have a similar setup. The family room and family bed is for co-sleeping and creating and upholding strong bonds, the 'hotel room' is for adults. While I still have to practice karezza, it seems to me karezza would be easier to combine with children than traditional sex; you can share plenty of affectionate touch with them around (kisses, embraces, gentle touch) and give them a good, affectionate real-life example of generous touch being fine and wonderful (how many of us don't grow up feeling awkward about touch!), and karezzic intercourse is less likely to "shock" any children inadvertedly wandering in and seems like easier to interrupt; there should be less frustration than if you're "racing" towards that orgasm and have to stop.

Jack
www.lfrvfamilies.com

That's true, I guess Karezza

That's true, I guess Karezza will now be ending for us whenever our kids need us, rather than whenever we decide, though it should be just as gentle of a finish. I'm sure that will mean less hour-long sessions for a couple of years, but that's life!

Now I'm going to have to explain this one to my parents... "hey could you guys babysit the kids tonight at YOUR house? Yes that's right, take our children away for a couple hours, take them to dinner and a movie if you want... we want to stay home!" That's my idea of a "date night"!

-Mrs. TFB

how start karezza with a baby?

I know a couple that wants to start with karezza, but even starting the exchanges seems difficult, because their baby has been often waking up in the night. The baby is around 9 months old.

So what could I advice them? Because the advice for the exchanges is: Find space for your own, make sure that kids won't disturb you.
How could they adapt the exchanges???

Hope somebody can help me / them.