Curious, but confused...

Submitted by hanajo on
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I am new to this site and am very fascinated by the concepts presented here. I would like to read the book, but have a lot of questions to ask because I am very confused. I'm 23 and am comparatively new to sex (I've been having sex for 3 years with the same man.) I just started to have orgasms during sex for about a year and am ecstatic about it. I want to try this form of sex to bring my boyfriend and I closer, but the thought of never having another orgasm again terrifies me, especially after wanting them for so long.

So my question is:
Is one supposed to postpone orgasm indefinitely? Is there any form of "release?" Would I be trading one form of orgasm for another? I know that when I don't orgasm, I feel anxious, not amourous. When I couldn't come, I always felt disappointed and cranky. My bf and I fought a lot, but now that I can come, we are much happier and fight less. So I'm wondering what the difference would be by not coming on purpose and if the answer lies in the way you have sex?

It's up to you

I agree that sexual frustration can make one cranky. When my goal was orgasm, I, too, was irritable if it didn't happen. Smile What I didn't realize is that the effects of the orgasm ALSO made me cranky...usually days or weeks afterward. I just didn't connect my mood swings to the orgasms.

The key insight is that if you are both dedicated to a different goal, then frustration is not inevitable. (It sometimes occurs, however, if you go too close to "the edge.")

In theory, this other approach is not about repressing sexual desire to avoid orgasm. It's about rechanneling sexual desire upward and exchanging it in generous, loving attention toward each other. This is the "release," although it can be very subtle. The lovemaking is far more gentle, and not goal driven.

Who is to say if this approach is right for you? That is something you will have to determine. Ultimately this practice is a spiritual path. If it's calling to you, then it may be yours. If not, it isn't...or it isn't time yet.

One thing is certain; both partners must want to make the change. If this is not the case, then set aside the idea for now.

Thanks for writing.

All the best,