Submitted by fillyfly on
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I'm on here to get a little advice. I'm 28 years old and have been watching P since i was 13 but internet porn started when i was about 20. Ever since i've had my first partner, when i was 17, i've struggled with delayed ejaculation. I never really mad much of it until a few years ago when ED became an issue. I would find myself constantly thinking about my delayed ejaculation problem and i think that's what brought on the ED. I kept thinking there something wrong with me physically, but whenever i would masturbate (which 95% of the time was to internet porn) i could maintain a strong erection for as long as wanted to and reach orgasm pretty much "on demand". I thought about getting prescription for cialis but i could usually maintain a decent erection 1 out of 3 times which led me to believe that this problem wasn't physical (delayed ejaculation was still a problem).
I never really looked into this until yesterday night and this is how i fell on this site and it litterally changed my whole perception on this problem i've had for so many years. But there's a slight problem; i'm beginning a new relationship.
I met this girl a few weeks ago and since then we've been on a few dates. For the first time in years i've found someone i'm really into. A few days ago she came to my place for dinner and things started getting pretty hot. We made out for a while and i got a decent erection but we both decided it would be better to wait a little. This came as a relief because the only thing i could think of was "i hope i don't get ED".
Then this past sunday i went to her place and things once again got pretty hot but this time she decided we had waited long enough. Horror! We started having sex and again, the only thing i could think of was " i hope i don't get ED". Of course, a few minutes into it i started losing my erection and just pulled out. Luckily i was able to make her orgasm manually before so she wasn't to upset....or so she says.
As we layed in bed i told her about my delayed ejaculation problem and mustered the balls to tell her it sometimes caused ED. She looked at me and said "do you watch too much porn?". I shrugged it off by making a funny comment but she let me know that years back she dated a guy for 3 years who she didn't see reach orgasm once. She said she later found out he was adicted to child pornography and obviously dumped him.
When i got back home that night i got to thinking "when's the last time i masturbated without porn", i couldn't think of the time. i got on google and found this site. Reading up i found that i had many of the symptoms others had: no morning wood, delayed ejaculation, ED, thoughts of porn when with a partner, etc.
Even though i only found this site yesterday, i'm currently on 6 days without porn or masturbation and i got my first morning wood in ages this morning. Only 50% hard, but its a start.
Here comes my problem on which i'd love advice. As mentioned above, i just started dating this girl, If she were just a random for who i didn't care much about, i'd stop calling her would concentrate on no porn or masturbation for the next months or as long as it would tak. But i really care for this girl. I can't go up to her and tell her i'm addicted to porn (i don't have the balls for it),so what do i do? Will i be able to "cure this thing if i'm around her and have intimate relationships with her? Any advice would help.

Advice~

Fillyfly, you are in a perfect situation in which you could give bonding behaviors/karezza a try (have you read any of the articles on this site about karezza?)~~

Since she knows about the ED, you could tell her you just read about a *natural* way to cure it through long, bonding sessions and non-goal-oriented lovemaking (you could call it tantra and she would probably know what that means). It's the perfect way to teach you how to relax into lovemaking and you will probably find your erection will last as long as you want it to once you start making love this way. There is a wonderful book called "Tantric Sex for Men" by Diana Richardson that tells you how to go about it (it's a great book for women to read, too).

I don't have the links at my fingertips right now about how well this works for ED (anyone else have them?), but if you can look around at the threads that have a ♥ next to them, you will find some great inspiration.

Most women find once the orgasm during sex is taken off the table, she can then relax into her own body and just ENJOY!!! I doubt your new sweetie would have one bit of problem going along with this little experiment in order to help you heal! Good luck!

Rachel

~Be present when you are with people. Breathe deeply and listen not only with your ears but more importantly with your heart~~

Filly

Well, the good news is you can definitely cure this thing, (as you put it) and you have an excellent reason to inspire you, a lovely lady you're developing feelings for.

You've already told her about your ED and it doesn't sound like she' rejected you. I think you're off to a good start. First, "can" the porn for good. Let this be the beginning of your road to sexual heath. You've come to a wonderful community here that will support you in your sexual healing journey. Also, visit the sister site to this one "yourbrainonporn.com, if you havent already. You need to understand the full scope of your addiction.

Next, get Marnia's book, "Cupids Poisoned Arrow" and read it. This will give you more information about sexual interaction within a relationship and how to have a successful one. Here's an idea of what you can do with your new girlfriend. In the latter section of the book is a series of practices called "the exchanges". These are non-erection focused excersizes that center around bonding rather than performance. You could tell her you want to try something new and special with her to develop intimacy between you both, word it in whatever way works for you. The exchanges will serve two purposes, one, it will take the focus of your performance anxieties, allowing you to relax, and second it will give you both the space to focus on developing meaningful connection and intimacy, which is where it belongs anywhere.

When I first met my wife and we slept together, we just cuddled naked for a number of times before we engaged it intercourse. Iit was a wonderful beginning and led to years of wonderfully pleasurable sexual interactions.

Dealing with shame

you said, " I can't go up to her and tell her i'm addicted to porn (i don't have the balls for it),so what do i do? Will i be able to "cure this thing if i'm around her and have intimate relationships with her? Any advice would help."

Sexual behavior is human nature and while you should always be respectful and appropriate, you'll hopefully learn how addiction and being ashamed of your desires play off of each other. If you really care for a partner, once you open up and let go of your shame, you will gain confidence and will feel less addicted to certain behaviors. Your partner in turn will feel closer by knowing you are not hiding/lying about anything.

Trying to deal with something you feel ashamed of online versus in person with your mate, may help a little in understanding what you face. But don't back down from the courage it takes to say who your are, imperfect as it may be, and still feel worthy of being accepted. Once you get to that point you can start taking meaningful steps to make changes in your life...

Painter Smurf