porn,weed,meth the ultimate dopamine rush and how it ruined 10 years of my life.

Submitted by Confinement84 on
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Hello all, it has been a lonnnnnggggg time since I commented on this site (even though I log on everyday to read your posts)so I'll start from the begining. Im a 27 year old PMO addict who has been trying to recover for the last 8 months. Ive had a PMO addiction for well over 12 years. Drug addiction for 10. Online video games for another 6-7 years.
Age 1-13
-Normal Kid, Very social and happy with life.

Age 13-16
- Started to PMO alot. Mostly to fantasy and any tv show, magazine or newspaper that resembles any semi-hot woman.Social anxiety began.

Age 17-21
-Began to Smoke Marijuana daily.. then Crystal Meth. Meth+Porn is absolutely addicting. I would literally PM for 24 hours straight.. or more... can u believe that? Then O when I couldnt go any more. I would literally visit every porn shop in the city within a 10 hour period. Then PMO for another 24 hours. The things I have done... I cant speak of. Social Anxiety got worse. Alot worse.

Age 22-26
-Stopped Meth but continued to Smoke marijuana. I've held the same job for about 9 years now to pay for my PMO habit. I then really got into Massage Parlors... I'm talking about weekly or twice weekly massages that ended in "happy endings". I could get off to a woman giving me a HJ but never through sex for I had Porn related ED. My social anxiety had reached an all time high. I cut myself off from all my friends and family more or less except holidays.

December 1st. 2010.
-Paid to have sex with the hottest college girl escort I have ever laid eyes on. But I couldnt get hard... and when I did.. I came in about 30 seconds. Left her house feeling like a complete loser and moron for wasting my money. I came across Marnia's article on " the cowardly lion who masturbated" as well as this site and yourbrainonporn.com. I found that most of my problems was probably from PMO(and drugs or a dopamine rush in general) and it was time to do something about it. Gave up PMO (December 7th). 9 days later (December 16th 2010) I gave up Marijuana forever. I also began to run and excercise daily and eat healthy. 23 days later (January 2nd 2011) I gave up Cigerettes forever as well. My confidence climbed so much it actually hurt me as I decided it was ok to get a Massage which ended in a chaser effect and relapse. Binged hard.

Jan 1 2011 to July 10th
- For the next 7 and a half months I would go 1 or 2 weeks of no PMO then BINGE HARDDD. Again and again and again. Same tune different week. I did however continue to stay sober from Marijuana and Cigarettes. I also continued my daily excercise of running and lifting weight which got my body fat under 9%. My social anxiety would improve a little then get worse. My attitude and emotions were up and down a 100x over.

July 10th to Present day.
- I'm now 24 days sober from all PMO. Again. Longest I have ever gone without PMO. I signed up for College Night classes during the fall semester after work and plan to see that through until I graduate with a degree. I'm not satisfied with where I am at in my life. I painted my condo that I recently purchased and have been adding to my wardrobe. As well I have been putting money into my savings account and Roth IRA for the 1st time in my life. (Almost accumulated 1000 dollars). Its amazing how much you save when your not buying weed, cigs and porn.

I feel very energetic and my social anxiety is at an all time low. I speak with woman more often in the gym now and once a week go to the movies with my best friend. Im still not where I want to be. I always have that thought in my head that says " Just ONE MORE TIME" thinking of PMO. But I wont let it happen this time. Whats stopping me? I am going to college in 41 days.... school for the 1st time in 10 years. With my social anxiety that seems like an CRAZY idea to me. However I feel by stopping my PMO habit that anxiety will cease to exist by the time my 1st day rolls up. At least I hope so. If I relapse on PMO I'll be to frightened to show up to my classes that I already paid for. I wont let that happen. NO WAY! NO THIS TIME!!!!!

Comments

Encouraging

Remember how you resolute you are feeling ... and make sure you douse the shenanigans that your mind comes up with when the cravings kick in again.

I totally know what you mean about going clean for a week and then binge. I have done that countless times.
Am only on Day 8. . . . but I'm feeling great.

Hope to see both of us on the other side where we have a several months under our belt!

Hang in there dude!