The short version - I am 19 days into a reboot (No PMO). I really want to have sex. Should I try to have sex or avoid and finish my reboot?
The long version - I hadn't intended on writing this much but putting all this out there has in a way been very therapeutic.
After a long period of no sex (2 years - potentially triggered by a traumatic life event) I decided it was time I sorted my life out and get with some girls. During this period my porn and masturbation use had risen to a point where only extreme and highly specific porn (e.g. 2 mature lesbians dominating 1 young girl on her first sex experience) and a fast, tight, hand action would make me orgasm. I also fantasied when watching, imaging myself as the girl being dominated. Looking back it was all pretty disturbed. I remember it sometimes feeling a little strange at the time but the slow escalation had largely made it seem like the norm. I would spend whole afternoons masturbating over and over.
I wanted to be with girls, as my solo sexual experiences were just depressing. So I decided to quit masturbation and said to myself orgasms could only come from girls. This forced me to go out approach, and flirt with girls. One side affect of the 'I am not allowed to masturbate' is that I stopped watching porn. I didn't know about this website or porn addictions at this point, so I was sort of giving up PMO by accident.
I was surprised. I quickly started to feel attraction for girls. I was horny and knowing I could only get sexual gratification from a girl (my self imposed rule) started to actively approach and pursue girls. I met this amazing girl one night when clubbing and we had a surreal connection, with stupidly high levels of attraction, kissing, grinding, and feeling each other's bodies all over on the dance floor. I asked her to come back with me that night but we said she didn't know me enough. I went home and despite wanting some release, didn't allow myself to masturbate.
We met again and things ended up in her room. I was nervous as it had been so long since I had been in bed with a girl. We kissed passionately and undressed each other but I wasn't getting an erection. Nothing. In fact my dick was tiny and completely limp. Nothing she did had any effect. She was really understanding and said "it's your body there is nothing to be ashamed of". She was so comfortable with her own body, and loved being naked. We spent the whole night lying naked together talking, relaxed and comfortable. It felt great.
The next day I got home and went to my room to masturbate to see if everything was still working. The experience was a little disconcerting. First I struggled to get hard, and then when I did I would loose it. It took about 1.5 hours before I had an orgasm, using the most intense fantasy and hand action I knew. I think at this point I assumed that abstaining from masturbation was not a good thing (I didn't know about rebooting, flatlining etc). No PMO forced me to meet girls (if I wanted an orgasm that was my only choice) but it also seemed to kill my erections.
Jump forward 3-4 months. I tried to have sex with this girl on numerous occasions but I just couldn't get an erection. I always made sure to give her orgasm through oral or my fingers. I wanted her to get something out of our encounters.
Throughout this period I was still masturbating, sometimes up to 5 times a day, but wasn't using porn. I don't remember at what exact point I found this and the YBOP websites, but I became aware that porn was affecting my real life encounters. So I made sure to never use it. But I was still masturbating lots, and although I was thinking about my girlfriend (most of the time), I was still pleasuring myself in my own way and using fantasy. When it came to being with my girlfriend it felt different and I wouldn't be turned on in the same way. In fact sometimes I just didn't want to be in that situation (no erection and her patiently waiting for it felt like hell). I tried masturbating without fantasy which worked, but I soon ended up using fantasy as it was just so much 'easier'. Things did improve over time when we were together (from zero erection completely flacid, to an erection which I lost).
I travel lots so tend not be in one place for all that long. I know I could of had a great relationship with this girl but my ED, and the barrier not having sex put between us, ruined it. What made things worse is that I span a web of lies as a way to account for my problem. I have since come clean and told her everything but, completely understandably, these lies affected her trust for me. I guess a lot of my lies stemmed from a complete confusion as to what is going on. I am 24, super fit and healthy. I shouldn't be getting ED! She at one point suggested viagra. This was simply not a route I was prepared to take.
My world was kind of shaken up after we went our separate way. I lost the first girl I have ever loved because of ED. My mission in life became to fix this problem.
So after reading the successful reboot posts on YBOP I decided to go for complete abstinence (no PMO). Strangely two days after I said good bye to my girlfriend I met a new girl. We totally clicked and had a great night. We ended up at mine and I explained before going to my place that I couldn't do anything sexual that night (because I had just split up with my girl friend - but also because I had just started my reboot (I kept this bit quiet)). A large part of me just wasn't ready. So we went back and made out like teenagers for hours, feeling each others bodies, always with at least underwear on. We talked lots, laughed, explored. Setting this boundary made the experience really intimate. I don't remember getting hard (she was teasing me a little by kissing around my penis) but respected my boundaries. Later that night she told me she had been changing her relationship with sex. She hadn't had sex for 6 months and had made a rule that she would only have sex if she had true feelings.
At work the next day, I was a bit shaken up by the experience. It felt too soon, and I was on my no PMO reboot. I left it a while, but couldn't help arranging a meet up the following weekend. We had a great time together and again it ended up in the bedroom. It was all very natural and nothing was forced on either of our parts. I wasn't pushing for anything and would of happily walked her home and left if she had asked. We had another long make out session. It felt very natural and I wasn't escalating to sex, just going with the flow and enjoying her body. It felt like we were really connected, and I wasn't worrying about performance. I had a whatever happens, happens mindset. We agreed we wouldn't have sex that night. She said she needed to think half way through and left the room. She came back and we continued. She obviously had quite strong sexual hang ups her self. I gave her an orgasm using my fingers and she gave me oral. I was super hard at one point but then I started to worry thinking 'I am up, will this stay' and lost it.
The following morning, we cuddled, spooned, and kissed in a really intimate way. I was amazed when I gave her 3 orgasms without even taking her pajamas shorts off. She gave me oral, and I was semi hard but couldn't hold an erection and didn't orgasm. Oral pleasure felt so soft, really amazing, and different to all my masturbation. This whole experience was a real eye opener. We had ruled sex off the cards and reveled in exploring each others' bodies. There wasn't really an end game. We just went with the flow.
To look on the bright side I feel my ED problems have challenged and taught me what it is that makes a great sexual interaction.
Where I am and my problem
- I haven't watched porn for 4 months now. I am confident that I never will again.
- Masturbating so much meant I got very used to the way I pleasure myself making anothers touch feel alien. Oral sex for example feels so soft compared to the way I masturbate. I guess I have been highly desensitised.
- I can feel myself adjusting and enjoying to real world sex encounters.
- I feel a strong desire to connect with girls since giving up porn. It's like they notice something in me now. I feels like I have had more female attention in the last few months than in the rest of my life.
- My previous abstaining from PMO was in a way an accident. I didn't know anything about the addictive nature of porn or how it affected male performance.
- Since reading this forum and YBOP everything now make sense.
- Not watching porn has been no problem (already given up).
- Masturbation has been very tempting at times.
- Keep having sexual dreams. I seem to lucid dream sex situations and then wake up to realise no one else is in my bed. Very odd.
- Dull aching pain in my balls.
- Day 11-19 - trouble concentrating on work. A light feeling of depression and irritability.
- Exercising daily and my workouts don't leave me feeling tired the next day like they normal would - as an athlete this is very interesting.
- Mega horny when waking on day 19.
So I want to meet up with this girl again. I have a strong desire to be intimate with her. I really want to have sex with her. If we meet I will be at 26 days of PMO. Is this a good decision? Could orgasm via oral or intercourse set me back? If it works and I don't have ED then can I stop my reboot? Presumably the reason for the reboot is so that I can have sex without loosing my erection? So if all goes well then surely I can count the reboot process as a success and completed? I wouldn't jump straight back into 5 a day masturbation sessions, but once a week / 2 weeks no fantasy seems sustainable long term. If I stick with the reboot, how long do I go on for? I initially was thinking 60 days, but I am not really clear when you know it has worked...