♥my partner feels awkward when i mentioned karezza to him

Submitted by Nehik on
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Hi beautiful people! I hope my post wont be too confused, because now my mind and heart is full of thoughts and feelings and I dont know how to write all of them. So I will try.

Im 20, I have great boyfriend which I love and Im sure he loves me so much. However I have never enjoyed sex so much. I couldnt relax and never could really have intercourse. And after another kind of stimulation and then orgasm, I felt like suddenly everything beautiful disappeared. And because I didnt know that something like karezza exists, I felt like there is something wrong with me, because I didnt want "hot sex".

So I was trying to be at least a bit "normal", doing what I thought i was supposed to do with my boyfriend, at least withouth intercourse. Now I know it wasnt fair to him and to myself, but I was just desperately trying to to what I thought I should do, althought it never made me fully happy. However I thought that when I can finally relax and have intercourse, everything would change.

Few months ago, I found reuniting website and I felt like thats what I have always wanted, and that Im not such as strange, because many other people enjoy it. While reading some articles, my heart was full of love and I was happy just imagining having such as sex with my partner. However when I sent him the link, just telling him that it looks interesting and that he might like it, he told me that he doesnt want to do anything according to a book or website. THat he wants to be spontaneous.

Anyway I orederd the Cupids poisoned arrow, it just arrived few days ago and I love it! I feel like everything just clicked it my mind and I understood everything. Im not bad. I m just a sensitive tender girl, who wants love, who wants soft touch, not the "hungry" touch as written in your book. I want long slow sex, beautiful connection physically and mentally., not just the "rabbit" sex. I have always known all that deep inside, but I was afraid to tell it to my partner because I felt guilty that I wasnt "normal".

To tell the truth, my boyfriend never forced me to do anything what I told him I didnt want to do. However many times I did something what I not really wanted.

I dont know what to do now. How to explain him what I want. Because when I just told him we could try the exchanches from the book, he againg said that he doesnt want to do it because its written in the book and he wants to do what we feel like. And accused me that im just trying to find solution outside, not looking for it inside me. It was very painful conversation for me, I was trying to explain him that thats the solution deep inside me, just i needed to read the book to uncover it. However still I dont feel like he fully understands me.

He agreed that we could try slowly caressing each other, breathing deeply, and we tried last night and it was beautiful, I could feel the love all around and inside us..and I finally fell asleep very realxed after a long time..However in the morning I felt like he wants to have orgasm..and althought i was caressing him very lovingly, his touchs seemd "hungry" to me and when I looked into his eyes, I didnt see the tender loving eyes which I would love to gazed into so much. Now I feel like toren apart, like I gave him so much love in the morning and didnt look almost anything back..and Im about to cry all the morning, lost my apetite and passion to do anything:(

All I want is to have beautiful relationship with my boyfriend. I love him so much and I hink that he would enjoy karezza, but he is too stubborn somethimes to try something what is written somewhere and I dont know how to explain him what I want and IM afraid if I tell him how to caress me, so that his touches arent " hungry", which makes me feel really bad, that he would think Im criticizing his previous behaviour ..I love him and want us to be happy! Pls give me an adivce how to communicate with him, co that I dont hurt his feelings but explain him what I want. Thanks!

Thanks

Thank you for reply! It was pretty helpfull, however I must say now im in a state when Im afraid to share my feelings with him, because Im afraid he wouldnt understand me. Yesterday I told him many of my very deep things and his reply made me cry, because he didnt understand me at all. I feel that he still thinks there is somehting wrong with me and he is doing everything right. I know that in conventional point of view he does..but thats not what I want..

"Woman can feel immediately if a man has intention behind his touch, and this very often closes down her body. Drop your agendas and programming when you are with a woman. Just be present in yourself and in your heart, sharing your being, touching and caressing with love."

This sentence says it all..When i feel he has an "intention" (the intention to have orgasm), everything in me locks and no metter how I try, I cant relax and I have horrible headache:(

Any other suggestions please?

Thanks again:) I know im

Thanks again:) I know im valuable and normal, dont worry. Just sometimes its difficult for me to explain what doesnt make me feel used and not to hurt my partner at the same time..

I have no idea if he watches porn. We have never talked about it. We have a kinda long distance relationship, see each other about 4 times in a year for minimum one month, but this time he is here with me for almost 3 months, so we have a lot of time together. However still makes me feel like we have limited time and to get the most of it, I would love to persuade him to karreza as soon as possible.. Hopefully the long distance period of our relationship will finish in one year.

I will wait for more replies of other people and in case make also a blog. thx for suggestions!

I'm trying to figure out

how to introduce karezza to a woman I'm dating. And "imnotcoming" is another member who is trying to have a karezza relationships with an orgasm-focussed man- so you are not alone- it is not easy for many of us to convince our partners to do karezza with us.

If he wants to hear from you, rather than from a book, maybe try to be very vulnerable, and tell him how conventional sex is hard for you to enjoy- not because of him, but because of the nature of that kind of sex. I think vulnerability is the key, as difficult as it is- it takes the right moment to open your heart like this, but since it is so truthful there is no way a partner can doubt our sincerity at such a time; often (or always) our partners have some hang-up they don't want to talk about either- if we open up with them, it gives them a space to tell us what their sexual challenges are. I'm glad you are sharing your situation here :) Just know that if he doesn't understand your deep feelings it is not your fault- there are many people who feel the way you do. Be courageous in speaking your truth to him, as hard as that is- it will help you grow stronger, and you will know you've tried your hardest to have the kind of relationship you want with him.

Welcome Nehik

I wish I had magic dust that would let partners give karezza a try with open minds for a month. No one can make an informed choice between lovemaking styles without an extended look at both. Smile I think you've been given some good suggestions.

My advice is a little different. This is a huge change, especially given today's highly orgasm-focused environment. You will need to be patient. Hold the intention and allow "fate" to manipulate the situation. Sometimes things have to go backward before they go forward. Better that, than to have him commit to do it with lots of resentment and half-heartedness.

Your biggest challenge will be to stay calm, centered and loving while the pieces of the puzzle move. If you find oracles comforting, you might enjoy getting new perspectives here: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/inner_wisdom_oracle

By the way, you are enabled to start your own blog if you want to share your journey. Instructions, if you need them: http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

*big hug*

Nehik wrote:and althought i

[quote=Nehik]and althought i was caressing him very lovingly, his touchs seemd "hungry" to me and when I looked into his eyes, I didnt see the tender loving eyes which I would love to gazed into so much.[/quote]

Hi Nehik (welcome)~~

I think what you are seeing in his eyes is that he has left you and is no longer in the present moment, but thinking ahead to his impending orgasm. That is what conventional sex is all about~~always leaving the present and depositing yourself somewhere in the future. And that is why karezza is so very wonderful...you and your partner stay together in the moment and time starts to really have no meaning whatsoever.

And I completely understand what you mean when you say you have been longing to make love this way because I felt the same way. Conventional sex always left me wondering, "Is this it?" My favorite parts of making love never lasted long enough (having my breasts loved upon and having deep, still penetration). I also never wanted the end to come because that is when both of us would be "done," but in particular, the man is really done, like exhausted and no longer in a loving mood.

With karezza, you can love and love and love and you never get enough. Your touch becomes electric. But once you orgasm, all that goes away.

I think the Energy Karezza book is a good one (it was the first one I gave to my lover), but if I had to do it again, I'd probably start with "Tantric Sex for Men." It was the first book I read and I could not *wait* to share it with my lover.

If your man is wanting to learn a new way to engage with you where you can spend literally *hours* connected together (rather than minutes!), I think he'd learn to love it.

As for me, I don't think I can ever go back to conventional sex. Karezza is just too good~~and good luck to you! You don't have to settle for anything less~~stand up for yourself and let your feelings be known! It's important for women to take charge of their sexuality. And the men benefit in the process!! (because it means LOTS MORE WONDERFUL SEX!!)!! Smile

Rachel

~Be present when you are with people. Breathe deeply and listen not only with your ears but more importantly with your heart~~

Or!

Or listen to Marnia and don't demand anything--ha!! (we must have been posting at the same time)

I just feel so much better about myself when I express my feelings about sex and don't keep things inside~~I know it makes me a better lover, too.

Rachel

~Be present when you are with people. Breathe deeply and listen not only with your ears but more importantly with your heart~~

Welcome Nehik

Speaking as a male, it will take ALOT of patience on your part. If your boyfriend is close to your age, he is most likely to be very orgasm orientated and probably trained by your previous relationship. He is also going to struggle with your new idea.

I enjoy karezza and am appreciative that I learned about it. But even for me it has been challenging to clear my mind that orgasm is no longer the ultimate goal. So understanding karezza is something I wanted to do, you can appreciate how difficult it may be for your boyfriend to change.

Be patient and keep writing on how it is going.

Hi Nehik

Your reaction when you first read CPA was the same as mine. I had tried to get into the hot sex because it was what my previous boyfriends seemed to want, but as soon as I read the descriptions of karezza, I knew deep down that it was what I had been looking for all along.

I am currently going out on dates with multiple people and I'm interested in one in particular who had a similar negative reaction to it like your boyfriend.

I know it must tear you up to have your relationship be uncertain like this. Keep us posted on what happens.

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Nehik

As a guy, let me say this: Our egos can be somewhat fragile especially around sexual stuff. This may sound a little rough, but don't be concerned about hurting his feelings. He may throw a tantrum when you say what you want, but he will get over it. And, most importantly he will have heard what you want. Be brave, say what you want repeatedly, maybe, let's say, once a week. Sometimes we have to repeat ourselves many times to get through the thick skulls of our partners.

May I suggest that you're not so much concerned about hurting his feelings, but rather that you don't like his reaction to what you say. None of us like to receive negative feedback from our partners around what we want. I also suspect his feelings are really not getting hurt. He's just pushing against what you want because he wants something different or doesn't really understand what you are asking for.

Its sounds like he gave you some of what you asked for in the evening, (this is a good thing) and then wanted what he wanted in the morning. Keep nudging him in the direction you want to go and don't take his reaction personally.

Keep focused on the vision you want and be patient with him, if you can. Us guys can be a little thick sometimes.

Thanks for all the

Thanks for all the replies!
I know I have to be patient with my thick guy:) My biggest concern is how to tell him what I want without him feeling like Im pushing him or telling him to do something what I just read in a book.
To tell the truth, what bothers me most are his "hungry" touchs. I wouldnt mind if he kept orgasming until he understands that its not really worth, but I dont want to feel like a sexual toy used to bring him to orgasm. Since I read CPA book, I feel it much more that those touchs just hurt me, because as somebody above has written, he isnt in the presence with me. It seems to me like if he was in his penis trying to reach the goal and using me to make it more pleasureable.
Although when we are just clothed,having relaxing time and there is no vision of sex, I feel great and loved, unlike during "sex".
I will try to somehow tell him, what kind of touchs I want and start from there..hopefully it will work out, although it might be a long journey.

Thank you again so much, you guys are wonderful!

Thank you everybody for your

Thank you everybody for your advice!
Just few days after I posted this,I experienced "karezza like" evening with my boyfriend..without even trying, we just came from a trip, hade a romantic dinner and bath, and then great time in the bed, wihtout any orgasm or intercourse, just caressing and kissing..I felt high for few more days, it was great:)

Unfortunatelly it seemd that he even didnt notice the difference between this night and others..Or at least he didnt want to approve it.I guess it was also because in the past, I made some things which I found on internet too dogmatic and he was afraid that it was just another such thing..At least that what he told me recently..

More than one month ago he went home (we have a long distance relationship)...I was so unhappy in our relationship because of this sex topic, that I had to tell him: Either be more openminded about sex and lets try it in a different way, or I must tell you bye bye, because it really hurts me how we do it now...So he promissed to be more openminded but still I didnt feel like I can trust him, my sixth sence was telling me that ha hasnt understood completely what I was saying...We decided to buy the book Tantric sex for men, and its difficult to ship it to his country, i ordered it to my address and then wanted to send it to him after I read it...And whie reading it, one story reminded me ours a lot..So I wrote that story to my boyfriend, along with my comments about it...and ifnally I feel like he knows what I have been talking about since summer..Im going to spend 2 weeks with him at Christmas, so we will see:) Im very optimistic and looking forward to him!:)

Thanks for the update

This approach is an adjustment for anyone. For us, a big part of our satisfaction is tied to frequent contact. I think it's more difficult to see the benefits of this approach when you're apart for long times.

Good luck!

my experience

After I got off masturbation 3 years ago I found myself in a relationship with a woman who was very stuck on addictive sex (i.e. non-karezza). I tried to explain and invite her into karezza as an experience with me but I didn't have the tools at the time myself--I had only discovered the term in August of that year and we were involved by October. Looking back to where I am now, and where I was when I got involved with that partner--I would not have ignored the red flags that I did back then for the promise of sex, karezza or otherwise. I'm pretty ignorant about partner sex altogether but becoming a practitioner of karezza didn't transform me into a person capable of emotional health and sexual intimacy overnight. My next partner was even less convinced, but a closer "match" to my own experience (emotional repression, unsatisfying and scant relationships with lots of control, long periods of being alone). Sometime after them both I engaged in a sexual recovery program. I realize now that karezza or coitus reservatus or whatever you term restful union, is most likely to take place as the by product of a committed, sexually sober relationship.