I am new to this forum, however, I have been reading posts and articles on this site for the past 2 months. Here is my story… My husband and I met about 4.5 years ago. We had such a heart-racing, head-spinning, butterfly-in-your-stomach romance, that at times I felt that I was being picked up by a tornado and just taken away. During our 2 years of dating, we never had fights, and arguments were so rear and our sex life was really wonderful. Three years ago, we got married. First year of our marriage was ok. Right away I noticed that our sex life has started to decline. I wrote it off to the stress of our jobs/economy (it was year 2008, we just got married, bought a house, the economy started to crumble, we worked for the same company and our company really started having financial problems). My situation at work was very dire. At times we would have dinner together and I would start talking about my day and just cry because the situation at work was so hopeless. My husband was very supportive and really tried to be positive and optimistic even though he dealt with the same situation.
In July 2009 I lost my job. In a way it was a relief because I was very unhappy at this company. And we both decided to have a positive outlook that this is for the best and this is the opportunity for me to find a better job that suits my education (international business). First 6 months were not too bad. I had interviews and was preparing to really land a great job. But after January 2010, the pulse of the job market seemed to be absent. I was continuing sending resumes and felt that I am sending them to a black hole where there is nothing coming back. It was such a devastating time for me, for both of us. My husband really started to stress out because his salary went down (he worked on commission) and there was no way we both could live on his salary AND pay for the mortgage. I was happy for any opportunity to earn just a little bit to make the ends meet – waitressing, babysitting, ANYTHING (I have Master’s Degree and really impressive work history). Needless to say, our sex life was almost non-existent. But here is the thing I discovered: every morning when my husband was off to work, I was at the computer looking for a job and when I went to the history to see if I sent resume to a particular place, I started noticing porn links. To say I was devastates is an understatement. After 6 months of sending resumes, interviews and constant rejection I really started doubting my skills, my education, myself as a professional. My home, my husband was my safe haven; he was my castle to retreat after fighting dragons all day. And here I am finding these links… I really felt that the whole world is crumbling around me. Turns out my castle was just a straw hut that is barely standing in the wind. I felt that I was betrayed, that the enemy has conquered my home and there is nowhere to go, no one to turn to. Not only am I worthless as a professional; I am worthless as a woman as well.
I tried to talk to my husband about my feelings and he kept telling me that porn is different that he is still attracted to me. But you cannot fool woman’s intuition. I decided to put that aside and focused on getting the job first and THEN deal with the rest of the problems. Exactly a year later after I got laid off, and after numerous tortures interviews, I landed my dream job. I have to say that I was very lucky in this regard because I was ready to settle for something that I did not want to do and saw many people do just that. My husband was very supportive during this whole process. When I received an employment offer, that is was the first time I actually felt relief. That was the last time I felt relief as well…
The next day my husband told me that he did not want to have kids. But first let me tell you a little history predating these events… When we first met, my husband was engaged to another woman. We both were in our late twenties and he told me that he had vasectomy because he does not want to have kids. I thought that it was so strange because he did not even know what it’s like to have kids since he is the youngest in his family (how do you know you don’t want something when you have never had it or experienced before??). But his fiance did not want to have kids either and I thought that “OK, they found each other.” As time passed by, I started to fall for him and he started falling for me too. Long story short he broke off his engagement a month before the wedding. We talked, we had a long hard talk and I told him that I want to have kids, in fact, I want 3 kids. And I clearly stated that I do not want to be with the person who does not want to have kids, no matter how much I love that person. He said that he is reconsidering his decision and that having kids with ME is actually sounds appealing to him. Throughout our 1.5 years of dating he was constantly re-assuring me that we are on track and we will have kids together, but not 3, just 2. We even started picking out names. How silly…
So, the day after I got my employment offer, my husband told me that he does not want to have kids. I remember that night so vividly. I was crying and shaking and just absolutely miserable. Why? Why does he hate me so much? Why would you do that to a woman you love? Why would you cause her so much misery?
He said that he loved me and that he does not want to lose me, that I am the only bright spot in his life. And he can’t understand why he is not enough for me. I just felt betrayed, manipulated, and trapped. I had no one to talk to about it. I knew my parents and friends were going to take my side and will advise to ditch him. But I loved him and at the same time felt very hurt and confused. He suggested going to a marital counselor. I saw that he really wanted to figure out why he does not want to have kids and has hoped that either I can help him or the counselor. Every time we went to the counselor the reasoning for him not wanting kids was changing, first, it was the money, then it was that he didn’t know if he is going to be a good father, then the excuse was that he is an introvert and doesn’t like social interaction. I started suspecting something fishy. He accused me for not selling him the idea of having kids, I accused him for lying to me. My work became my castle, and my home became a battlefield. Every day. After about 6 months of counseling, I saw that we are not going anywhere. He kept telling me he loved me, but sex for him became a chore. I started to feel so much resentment toward him that I hardly wanted to have sex with him anyway. After long hard look at my marriage of 2.5 years, I decided that I just can’t take this anymore and decided to talk to him about getting a divorce. He begged me to reconsider. He said that even though he doesn’t want to have kids, he will go get vasectomy reversal, because this is what I wanted. Is this really what I wanted?! I told him that I want a partner who wants to have kids with me, who will help and support me in having kids. At the same time I started having female problems, which really scared me and really put things into perspective. It scared my husband as well. We decided to go ahead and do vasectomy reversal. I agreed to it with very heavy heart.
After finding a job, I hardly have time to sit at the computer at home. However, 2 months ago, I needed to look something up and I went to use the computer… He didn’t even close the window… It was so disgusting… He was looking beyond just normal porn (if you can say that porn is even normal in the first place). Having kids with this pervert?! (it was not kiddy porn thankfully). I was ready to pack my bags and leave, leave right away. I couldn’t even look at him. How could he?! Before I could leave, he came home and I just poured my disgust and anger at him. He stood there just saying Please, Please, Please… Then he fell on his knees and said that he really needs my help and started crying. I couldn’t understand anything. My help with what? Then he told me about his porn addiction, that it started since he was 8 years old finding his father’s porn tapes. That he hardly remembers his childhood because of it. That this was the reason he did not want to have children. He told me how he desperately wanted to quit using porn after getting the vasectomy reversal. How he wants to be a really good father to his kids. And how hard it was for him to quit watching porn.
After searching all over the Internet, thankfully I found YBOP.com site. I watched the series, and re-watched it, and re-watched it. Everything started to make sense. I showed it to my husband and he was so relieved that it wasn’t one of those religious sites. That this is science based and that it is all in your brain. I am still amazed though how people would ruin their lives and marriages for this dopamine fix. This is an absolute tragedy.
It has been about 2 months and he already relapsed several times (it seems that 7 days is the most he can go without it). These 2 months have been hell. If I thought my last 1.5 years was hell, I was in for a surprise. He is constantly snapping at me, he is constantly yelling at me, he is constantly depressed. There is nothing I can do that wouldn’t make him angry and snap at me. Examples: I am outside walking the dog when he gets home from a week-long trip. It upsets him because he had hoped I’d be home and he would greet us at home. Just comes to ridiculous situations. I feel like I am living nearby a volcano and don’t know when will it erupt with anger. I am at my wits end. I feel so much hurt, I feel so betrayed, and now I am the person who frustrates him the most. WTF???
At times I just want to pack my bags and leave. In these past 2 months we have not had a normal weekend. Whatever I say will make him so angry. Then he runs to me and apologizes that he didn’t mean to. Well, if you don’t meant to then don’t do it in the first place. Right now his apologies don’t mean anything to me, because he will turn around and yell at me again for no reason. I have to say that I impress myself for dealing with this for so long. I am a beautiful, smart, young woman that just happens to be in love with an addict. But my patience is running thin. It almost feels that he is testing my love for him: What else am I going to tolerate? Please help! I want to save my marriage, but I am not as strong as I used to be. His addiction is ruining our lives.