Well then, yesterday I celebrated 40 days (and 40 nights!) of being PMO-free. All went quite well, but I was having many flashbacks during the last week.
So... today it happened. I think the recipe for relapse was already set: flashbacks, stress because of slow progress in studying for my exam next week, plus doubt about my sexuality, hmm...
This led me to risky behaviour, yes, checking porn related images on google... just to check? Actually I don't know why I was doing it. I could withhold myself from doing this so easy during the last weeks.
I started this recovery because I suddenly found gay porn very enticing. I started watching porn from when I was 15, always 'regular' straight porn until this year. Right now, I recognize that it's originated on a fetish that I'm troubled with. I don't know if it is ingrained or not, I actually don't care. I just want to get rid of it. I sure do know that it strengthened itself -and probably became a fetish from this point- after being exposed to it more through internet porn.
Ok, not that it matters that much, but recently I seem to get turned on by big hairy men. I know... sounds pretty gay huh. There's even a whole gay subculture devoted to this fetish called the 'bear scene'. This made me realize that this attraction isn't uncommon. But today, after I relapsed watching this material, I really didn't seem to get that much relief as I was hoping for. After orgasm, when I go back to my screen I get disgusted by the images. This seems so absurd. Afterwards I can easily relativate my behaviour as I'm being fooled by my primitive brain. I'm currently reading Mr. Doidge's book about neuroplasticity. From what I've learned so far, I think my brain just 'falsely' values these cues and triggers.
I'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with love, intimacy, or whatever. I'm quite convinced I'm dealing with a 'superficial' neural pathway here, that I reinforced during the last months.
This whole sexuality thing is actually quite interesting in a way. But this behaviour all seems so unnatural and complicated to me, that just giving in to being bi or gay seems such an impetuous thing to do.
To come back to my recovery story, I was suffering from huge procrastination on my study last week. Probably caused by flashbacks. What makes my relapse even more hard is that I decided to cope with the flashbacks efficiently from now on. I did some research on YBOP yesterday and I stumbled on some methods that actualy seem to work for me. Today I also went studying in the local librabry instead of home behind my desk, which itself was a huge help alone.
This relapse came unexpected, as a result of impulsive behaviour. It just really suck to start all over after 6 weeks of confidence building and a positive outlook. What's positive, I think that I strengthened my coping qualities during the last weeks and I realize that I have to handle the flashbacks differently to make it a success. I still believe.
I'm pleased to hear any opinions, if you'd like...
All the best,