We've been practicing non-orgasmic sex, but we still do regular foreplay often (although we have really cut back on oral sex). I feel that I would not be able to get wet, and ready for intercourse, if I'm not stimulated or "heated up" first. Is there a way around this? I don't want to have intercourse without being wet because it hurts, but at the same time I want to make sure we are not over-stimulating or heating ourselves up. Any suggestions?
(punks4peace) When we were first learning about Karezza, we read the book by Rudolph Von Urban called, "Sex Perfection". His advice was, to place the penis at the opening of the vagina and leave it there for at least 10 minutes before any penetration was to occur. This method creates a presence of yang energy to "hold space" until the vagina is fully in a receptive state. For us, this works and is necessary. Sometimes a little less time is needed, we just go by how we feel.
Diana Richardson's concept of positive and negative poles sending and receiving energy to each other (even if the genitals are aligned but not connected), makes a lot of sense. The bodies get a chance to warm up before intercourse happens. We've found that, when we have tried to skip this step, the quality of our lovemaking was very different. While "waiting at the gate" we're able to relax, gaze, kiss, stroke and, feel the energy start to circulate which creates moisture and warmth. So in this way it would be considered a warm up.
Our ideal warm-up first would include some body movement. Like a walk, dance, qi gong, yoga, etc. Secondly, bathe. Thirdly, meditate. Fourth, do a little bit of bonding, like massage etc. Fifth, breast holding, which we usually do for about 5-10 min. This is wonderful for us both. It is energizing for the man and he can feel breast energy coming in through his hands and streaming into his body. For the woman the breast energy allows the vagina to start opening. Six, leaving the penis at the entrance of the vagina (the pre-entry). And then, it's time to Get it On!
(Rachel) I wondered the same thing in the beginning, but I have to tell you that conventional foreplay is *not* needed for either person to be ready for intercourse!
As you both become more and more sensitive to each other, it will not take much at *all* for you to be ready. Once you learn to truly relax your pelvic floor (Diana Richardson's books are good at explaining how to do it), you will find your vagina becomes a beckoning magnet for your boyfriend's penis. Your kisses and light touch will be more than enough to excite him.
And once you start to relax this way and learn about opening up through your breasts, your vagina will respond abundantly. The amount of liquid that starts to flow once you are truly relaxed and magnetized toward your boyfriend can be amazing. And we find it never runs out during intercourse.
There are times when we just want to go straight to intercourse (to "plug in" or "connect") and so we do keep lubricant on the nightstand.
Do the Exchanges, learn to go slow and softly (sensation versus stimulation), and your bodies will start to become more and more sensitive. We are at the point where just tongue kissing can sometimes be too much for my lover and can send him over the edge. Who would have ever thought that was possible?
It does take time, so be patient. Concentrate on everything you are feeling, especially between your genitals. Give loving touch at all times. Don't let your thoughts wander to other things. Keep your vagina as relaxed as you can. It will happen and it just gets better and better the longer you do it.
(Darryl) Our first penetration is a very slow affair, so we find a lot of wetness is not required. If things are a touch too dry, a little spit, (hope this doesn't gross anyone out) does the trick. Aloe Vera Gel works great. Get the 99% pure stuff. Besides being an excellent lubricant it has great skin-healing properties as well. We don't like artificial lubricants. Au natural for us.
(Quizure) My partner and I both were irritated by jojoba oil. It put us out of commission for a number of days. Now we just use all natural, unprocessed, SPIT! It's Paleo!
(Marnia) Diana Richardson recommends almond oil (available in the food oils aisle) Choose organic.
(Tornfromabook) We like coconut oil. If you put a little (of any) oil on the inside of the wrist and watch for a reaction, you will know if you have a sensitivity. Make sure you are using organic, expeller pressed coconut oil just in case (whole foods has a big tub of it for $10). Nothing but the best for a vagina! It also makes superb massage oil and moisturizer; I enjoy a good rub down and my husband enjoys doing it! It's also antibacterial and antifungal... I don't know if almond oil can claim all of that.
(wfk007) We tried Olive Oil for a little while. It was recommended to my wife by a therapist (she was having tightness issues). I didn't care for it, for some reason it felt like there was tiny things in it that took away the feeling (like fine sandpaper).
To the original question, my wife doesn't really use lubricants anymore thanks to karezza. Just some gentle time holding and light touching warms her up. She also initiates any intercourse so she can become comfortable by directing me into her gently. I think the change is due to no pressure and her relaxing. In the past the need to perform got to her. Now she no longer cares about performing.
(KevinJ) When a woman’s vagina is dry, tight and feels pain, it’s probably due to the fact that she’s not aroused. Therefore, it’s not going to be very much fun for her or the man. When this is the case, the woman typically either has to resort to using a finger or a vibrator or allow the man to do oral sex on her to heat her up. This, however, is a mechanical approach. It’s not the same as fostering her sexual sensitivity “naturally” or organically through slow, tender, direct genital contact.
I remember back in high school. I liked dating girls, but what I was really hoping for was a chance to “make out”. Since I didn’t want to use condoms and didn’t want to get her pregnant, I figured out how to “do it” and have fun too. We’d kiss and snuggle and fondle and roll around…everything we could, except penetration. There was one girl though who really wanted to get turned on by having me stimulate her clitoris with my penis. We’d lie down on our side, face to face, and then she’s wrap her leg over mine. While we tenderly kissed, I would slowly and gently glide my penis all around her clitoris. She’d get so turned on and wet, it was amazing. I thought this way of making love was sooo cool, problem was, I couldn’t last long enough, then …. you know… finished … over … good night dear.
So now, years later, I’ve rediscovered how awesome this wonderful approach to lovemaking is. For women who don’t feel much enjoyment during intercourse, it’s a way to give them a little help, especially when she needs to be turned on in a very natural, feminine way. Fingers, tongue and vibrators and the usual tools are okay, but it’s much more electrifying and sensual for her with a hard, vibrant penis and its silky head.
Once a man learns to control himself, then he can learn to move slowly and avoid ejaculation. This is when he can truly be in service to his woman for as long as she wants and needs. In this way, the woman can feel the man’s pure sexual energy directly on her, without fear of him losing control and ending her pleasure. And if she too is willing to avoid peak orgasm, she can ride and sustain excitement longer and deeper instead of rushing toward a climax. Sometimes it’s great to think of Karezza sex as a form of “making out,” a playful, enlivening and innocent way to bond.
In the end, I think what frustrates women is when the guy isn’t reliable enough. When he can’t hold the space to gently ignite her with long and SLOW passionate, focused attention, then it’s a real deal breaker. A woman in lockdown can’t access or open to her natural, innate desire for intimacy because she needs time to absorb the sensations in her body rather than being rushed along through a windstorm, striving to reach the finish line.
The man has to be able to be okay with not having intercourse if she doesn’t want to or it hurts. By using his wand as an energy sending instrument, he can be there and allow her the freedom and opportunity to experience pleasure in a deep and satisfying new way. This simple approach is probably a revolutionary experience for any woman who has felt she has to “give in” to conventional mating sex just to please the man.