Day 90: I'm ME again

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Submitted by CaptainFalcon on
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Hello,

Well at long last, I've reached my goal of 90 days without porn. It feels like it has been so long since the last session, but that's probably because so much has happened in the span of 90 days.

For starters, the last stretch was the hardest for me from day 69 to now because on day 69 I decided to masturbate. That's when everything got rocky. Following that MO session were chaser effects that were unforgiving, coupled with cravings, and finally more masturbation. I kept telling myself I'd stop after this one time, but it was increasingly difficult because every time I masturbated, I had a wet dream the same night or soon after. It's really hard to abstain when you have a wet dream right when you decided to abstain. This happened a total of three times, and the third wet dream was a pornographic one that was very shameful. I couldn't believe a part of my mind was still so messed up after all that time. After that one though, I was able to abstain completely, but the two weeks following have been the worst in terms of cravings. Two more days will be 2 weeks post orgasm so we'll see then.

I had honestly hoped that over the span of 90 days I would not get porn cravings anymore, and though it may just be chaser, it still robs me of my confidence. I'm very unsure of myself and abstaining right now. For the first time in this 90 day period, it would be very easy for me to watch porn now. However, I am getting better at separating my sexual urges from my overall state. I guess they call that a focus shift. Before, I never had the focus to shift.(What a shift!)

It's not all bad though. The mood swings have finally stopped, and I generally feel great most of the time. Once in a blue moon I'd feel the depression of not knowing what I'm going to do with my life, but it usually doesn't last more than an hour tops. I talk to people a lot easier than before and I don't feel pain in my heart anymore. In fact, there are some weird occurrences where my chest literally feels like it's breathing. (You know that feeling you get when you rub Vicks Vaporub on your body?) Weird indeed. Nowadays, I require my own alone time. It's much different though from 3 months ago in that I enjoy the alone time. I love people and hanging out with friends, but not in excess. I enjoy my own company a lot more than I used to. Reading, drawing, listening to music, playing music, and watching my favorite shows are all of my favorite things to do again. Before I was always in need of company because I felt lonely, but when I got around people I felt uneasy. Jeez...I've also built up a tolerance for extreme stimuli like gaming. I can't play games for as long as I used to and I can literally feel my brain yelling for me to stop playing! That's when I go and do something more balancing. Really weird.

For everyone reading this and doing the reboot, I am finally happy. I type that with a tear in my eye because I don't reflect much about how far I've come.

I wish you all not luck, but stubbornness, tenacity, determination, and the spoils of victory!

Comments

Really good to hear from you

I was just thinking I should PM you to see how you were doing. Sorry it has been a struggle, but congratulations on powering through it.

Hopefully you can find a workable schedule...or just let wet dreams happen without any masturbation. That seems to work fine for some guys. And who knows? There could be a sweetie in your future, too. Wink

Glad you're feeling "better in your skin." That's the kind of benefit that shows how balanced your brain is these days. It's great to be able to enjoy alone time (too). Genius needs time to operate. Smile

Thanks !!!

Thanks a lot everyone and keep at it.
@ eoa Do what you need to do because you're your own best teacher. Everyone needs to do different things to get them through the reboot, but only you know what's best for you and your journey. Same destination, slightly different paths.
After losing balance, once you get it back, keeping it is easy.

Wow!

Give yourself credit man 90 days is great! I can definitely trace some wet dreams to waking thoughts or actions. No doubt about it. It's like one time during one of my relapses last year I had a long time without porn and orgasm. I was at a family member's house without a blocked internet connection and I knew I could get away with looking because of how easy it would be. So I started up a browser typed in a search and there was some porn and I started watching and it almost felt like it was from Mars but then that dopamine rush showed up like no lie and I was like "Fuck!" and shut it down and went right to bed.

Then I had the wet dream and woke up right after and decided I deserved a chaser right there. That actually prolonged the relapse, I know now.

Could be that "balance" itself is an ebb and flow. Just quitting PMO doesn't mean there aren't other stimuli that rock our boat.

Very true

The thing is that now we're all aware of that balance that is there for our overall health. It's so easy to lose something when you aren't even aware of it. People always say "listen to your heart," but in my opinion the brain is just as loud, and when one isn't aware of it he or she can easily overstimulate it. That's when all hell breaks lose. I say listen to your brain! (Just not when it's overstimulated)
After losing balance, once you get it back, keeping it is easy.

Great!

[quote=CaptainFalcon]I wish you all not luck, but stubbornness, tenacity, determination, and the spoils of victory![/quote]

I love that quote. Way to go Falcon, keep up the good work and keep growing on your journey!

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." -Samuel Beckett

cheers to 90 days!

Right on man. I'm really inspired by your 90 days sober. When did you have your 1st wet dream during the 90 days period? I'm 56 days in with no wet dreams at all. In fact I dont think I ever had a wet dream in my life. Thats interesting your wetdreams came after your MO'd. Congrrats again man. Quite an achievement!

Hey =]

Thanks for the kind words! I had my first wet dream during the reboot at exactly day 37. In my experience wet dreams mean two extra weeks of horniness... Just be ready for it when it comes. Even now I haven't watched porn, but my new demon is masturbation. Trying to get past the initial wave of sexual energy is humbling, but the emotional mastery is so worth it.
After losing balance, once you get it back, keeping it is easy.