I'd like to share my journey from sex addiction and wholeness through this blog in hopes that it might not only help me in my recovery, but also maybe help some others struggling with similar issues. If some dialog or mutual support arise as well, all the better! I will continually try to keep relevant to the purpose of this website and will refrain from graphic descriptions. Ok...Some background info might be in order here. this is long so be warned. : )
I am American currently living in Asia and working in the computer graphics field. I grew up in a Northeastern suburban town. I am male, 39 years old, not religious although i practice zen/meditation. I am the youngest of three siblings (by 10 years). My birth father died when i was just 3 months old so i never knew him. My mother remarried when i was 2, but my mom and step-father divorced when i was 17. I too was married for 5 years but divorced about 4 years ago. Before being married , I would say I have had 4 serious girlfriends, all of whom I had cheated on, including my ex-wife.
My relationships have always been the idealized, overvalue then devalue kind. Romance and infatuation are initially high (you and only you can heal me and take my pain away)turning to feelings of being smothered and resentment. From emeshment to abuse. Pull and push. The endings are always 'life and death' drama - one of disassociative terror of loss and being alone to obsession, manipulation and entitlement (kinda scary stuff). I always seem to lose myself and feel responsible for the other's feelings. In between those 'relationships'(?) are stings of sex buddies,one night stands, and compulsive masturbation. If any ladies would like contact me at this point...haha, nice package I am huh? Ok, continuing ..
I do not use drugs, although have in the past and was psychologically addicted to marijuana in high school, and have had a troubling relationship with alcohol over my lifetime, including car accidents, DUIs, bar brawls, and blackouts.
I have been struggling with pornography/fantasy/and impersonal sex since i was 10 years old, roughly 30 years. I remember clearly the first porn mag i saw, the happy smile on the man's face, the beauty of the female body, and from that point I believe i confused sex with love. As far as I know, i was not molested or sexually abused as a child, although neglect might be argued. I have tried to quit using porn as a crutch for reality many times, too many to count, throwing away mags, pics, etc. only to collect and search for them again days or weeks later. Each time self-esteem drops and a sense of hopelessness washes over. this pattern has been repeated endlessly. The secretive thrill and excitement have always been so enticing, despite the self reproach and loathing after (every addict knows this feeling).
Since coming to Asia, my activity in one night stands, impersonal sex, and 'faking' relationships have increased. I feel I recently crossed a line in my addiction and i fear going further in that i may not come back. I went to a swinger/swapping establishment and played out the fantasies that i have been seeing in porn (sex in front of strangers,swapping). Since it was so intense (probably a mega-dopamine hit), both my curiosity to return there AND my concern that I can never be the same if i do are my troubling to say the least. This is why I am here today writing and investigating the info presented here, so I can use this knowledge of brain chemistry to my advantage in overcoming this. I am truly scared to death right now of what I will make of my future if I dont overcome this. I wasted enough years as it is.
I have been to therapy, taken SSRIs, gone to 12-step groups, all of which helped, but was never enough to overcome this sexual fixation. I hope that my compassion for the people i am hurting (and have hurt) and for myself plus the infomation about how my brain is perpetuating this is enough.
Just so this is balanced and you don't just see me as just a monster/freak or whatever, i will present some other characteristics about me. Since a boy, I was always interested in language and culture (I can speak French, Italian, and Japanese), I could always draw and work now as a computer graphics artist for TV. I also like science, cooking, exercise and health, biology, pyschology/sociology. My friends say i am sensitive, smart, funny, talented, supportive, and curious about many things. I lived in Italy for a while and now, as i wrote, live in Asia.
Well, that's probably enough (or too much) for now...
Any thoughts/comments are most encouraged. Thanks!