Day 55! Don't be fooled by the exclamation mark in the opening sentence, I'm not as excited as it sounds. I often wonder recently if an orgasm (NO Porn of course) would lighten up my mood a little, put a smile on my face. I catch myself with a serious look on my face when I'm walking through a grociery store or at the mall... and I think how others might percieve my frown. All this testosterone is putting me into a serious mood?It sounds stupid but I really need to turn this frown upside down!!! I need something to be happy about. A woman perhaps? I see woman at college so excited and happy even though their single. I wish I could reach that sense of...being totally ok with my situation, that level of happyness,fullfilled without the craving for a partner. I want to approach some woman i catch looking at me but I feel so...anxious...no confidence in my social skills at all. I was hoping the absense of PMO would help. I would have expected a wet dream by now. Actually about a week ago I had a very vivid sexual dream and when I was near orgasm somebody rang the doorbell which woke me up. Damn them!
Aside from that... I mentioned a few weeks ago I started College. My family and friends are shocked that I started attending school. Anybody who is close to me knows its very unlike me to go to school(the old PMO,stoner addicted me anyways). I get anxious heading to class seeing as how I have been out of high school for 8 years. I originally signed up for 1 class and was on a waiting list for a 2nd. The waiting list was just a back up plan .I really did not intend on going to 2 classes my 1st time back in 8 years... But.... Something inside me told me to GO FOR IT! Now I'm neck deep in 2 classes and I just signed up for a 3rd Class that starts mid-semester. What has gotten into me? I feel like I have to constantly be busy with my fulltime job, school , excercising or studing otherwise I begin to dwell on how lonely I am and how happy my friends and family are with their partners. And that brings me to my next point.
I feel like I'm going through a mid life crisis. My hair style? Lame. The way I dress? Childish. My truck? Old. My job? Not good enough. My voice? Annoying. The thoughts in my head? I can't express clearly unless im typing it out. My confidence with woman? Low. All these things I used to be OK with all of a sudden aren't good enough for me. Is it the lack of PMO? The lack of pot and cigs? The fact that I'm so lonely I have nothing to do but think about it all day? I dont know. Sure many good things but emotionally I still feel like I'm a wreck. I wish I could be ok with being single... which would probably allow me to open up and find a special someone. I need to get rid of this tension and just be happy. But I cant... Because for 10 years I relied on Drugs and Porn to give me a boost in my mood..... and I no longer have those things in my life.