well, as posted in another part of the site, i went a week and then had traditional sex with my GF. Although i still havent looked at porn in 2 weeks, the sex felt addictive, selfish, and ultimately part of a bigger problem i have surrounding sex and sense of self worth.
I have realized that I totally use sex as a measuring stick of how i feel about myself and worth as person and a man (unfortunately not that uncommon probably). This means underneath my supposed 'lovemaking', I really am just 'performing' to see if i can bring the woman to orgasm, how long can I last before i come, etc. It has nothing to do with an expression of love. It has ALWAYS beent this way for me and so, not surprisingly, performance issues and anxieties always surround sex. its not really enjoyable to me as how i do determines how i feel about it later. This is truly sad and pathetic and i dont want to base my esteem on how i perform sexually. Its been such a long exposure to porn and this kind of thinking that i a truly worried whether i can make this paradigm shift. I am sure technique based sex doesnt feel all that warm and fuzzy to her either, although she seems to physically enjoy it, and sadly thats all i seem to care about...
found this on the net and is a succinct summary of this aspect of addiction ..
"Sex, for the addict, begins to be his primary value and a confirmation of his sense of self. Feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, and worthlessness magically disappear while sexually preoccupied , through acting out or through spending untold hours on the internet. However, the use of sex to meet self-centered needs for approval or validation precludes using it to meet the intimacy needs of a cherished other. Characteristic of this kind of narcissism is the viewing of other human beings not as whole people who have their own feelings, wants and needs, but rather as deliverers of desperately needed satisfaction that shores up a fragile sense of self. This sets up a cycle wherein his narcissism prevents him from deriving satisfaction from mutual, reciprocal relationships in real-life. Sexualizing, once again, is returned to as a magical elixir wherein his needs are magically met without having to negotiate the very real vicissitudes of intimate relationships. "
well, at least i am aware of it...