♥More Karezza - Day 15

Submitted by Nicholas on
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A quick update as to how things have been over the past few days :)

It's going well. Although it's early days, I think I feel a greater sense of well-being. I have more of an impression of how porn and masturbation has effected my state of being throughout my life - tiredness, laziness, emotional ups and downs, etc. It's still only Day 15 (I don't want to speak too soon!) but I have a general feeling of increasing inner balance. It's something I really want - feeling happy and peaceful within myself and with life in general. I look forward to 3 months time, looking back and seeing the changes.

There is still temptation to look at women in daily life, and I'm still trying to catch the automatic response to *gawk!*

Yesterday my girlfriend and I went to a peaceful lake to swim and lie in the sun. Whenever I've been to the beach in the past, it's always been full of temptation to look and lust after women. A lot of the porn I'd watch was "voyeur" style - nudist beach voyeur cameras. So, going to the beach in real life was probably very similar to my brain as watching a video on the internet. Underneath, going to the beach has always been a frustrating experience :/ Yesterday at the lake was nice - it was quiet, not too many people around, although there were still a few women there. Again, I was tempted to look, but managed to stop myself from doing so. If I don't keep on top of the automatic response, I know that I'm more likely to relapse, and getting stuck in that desire-frustration loop is awful.

It was a nice afternoon. I went swimming naked in the lake, which feels so nice - free and open. My girlfriend has gone nude on the beach/lake since she was young. To her, being naked is just a normal thing, with no lust or "voyeuristic" mentality involved. She feels free and loves the nature around her. However, for me, "nudism" has always been a sexualized thing, associated with lust and 'getting off'. Yesterday was a taste of being free for the first time. I can't wait for the day where I'm no longer trapped by the feeling of lust, and I can just stand free and innocent! :) I'm looking forward to being free of the trap of this addiction, and view love and sexuality with new eyes. I do feel it's starting to happen, but, it might be a long time before my brain is rewired.

I wasn't expecting to write all that about being at the lake, but it seems relevant. It made me think of the completely different realities that me and my girlfriend live in. And the more free and open, *not addicted* reality, is around the corner for me.

Karezza has been really nice. We've now had five karezza sessions. I feel I'm deepening my awareness of the same things I wrote about in the last blog post. I've been keeping in mind "sensation vs. stimulation" and intending to notice the difference. Sometimes my mind rushes into "stimulation mode" and I have to make the conscious effort to slow down. Being open to sensation is a completely different experience. I have to be present, present to every touch. When I'm present to every touch, each one can feel amazing, as if my body is vibrating and completely sensitive to even the lightest strokes. When I go into "stimulation mode," it's as if "I'm not there." My mind is in anticipation mode, never really feeling what's going on in the present moment. It's a state of frustration, looking for relief. So, I want to carry on learning to be present in order to feel and experience every touch fully. I find that being present is parallel to slowing down. When I'm present, I'm automatically slowing down, and when I consciously choose to slow down, I become more present.

Our relationship has changed in the past 2 weeks. I feel more connected with her. When I say connected, I mean, appreciative, grateful, happy, and in love. I see how sex with the goal of orgasm can have such a big effect on the relationship. The way I lose interest in her after having an orgasm. Before, when this would happen, I would recognize it and make the effort to be attentive and appreciative. However, underneath there was still the same feeling - tired and not entirely interested... disconnected, is the word. Now, with karezza, it's like the same feelings of appreciation and happiness spill over after the karezza session. I don't lose connection. This morning, I woke up, naked with her, and I felt that being naked with a woman, cuddling and caressing with warm bodies, is the greatest feeling. The feeling of love and being loved is so nice. It beats PMO by a zillion! So yeah, it's nice to see positive changes in the relationship, and my own sense of personal well-being.

It's still early days, but I sense what I'm learning with karezza, and I need time and patience to deepen that learning and understanding. Furthermore, I know those addiction pathways are still on high alert, looking for any chance to fire into motion. It's only Day 15, and the real challenge is to continue this *forever.*

Thanks for reading :)

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Student

Its great to hear your budding success. You seem to have "awareness" which is your greatest asset as you move into karezza consciousness.

studentoflove wrote: The

[quote=studentoflove]

The feeling of love and being loved is so nice. It beats PMO by a zillion[/quote]

You are so inspirational! I hope your story is getting across to other PMO guys here~~there *is* a better life after porn.

This weekend I made a conscious effort to repeat over and over during lovemaking (to myself), "I love you, I love you, I love you" because I wanted to see if those thoughts could be felt by my lover. I didn't tell him what I was doing. I kept that thought going for over an hour. It really helped me stay present.

He later told me his penis felt like it was being bathed in sunshine, from the base to the tip--it was like his penis was getting a tan in the sun, it was so bright. Smile So amazing how our thoughts can be transmitted to each other without saying a word. With conventional sex, I would never have been able to get through to him because his own brain would have been too noisy and distracted.

Anyway, I think you are an *excellent* student of love and also a teacher!

Rachel

~Be present when you are with people. Breathe deeply and listen not only with your ears but more importantly with your heart~~

Thanks for sharing

the lake story, too. Nudity and being free in nature (without the pre-programmed lust brain in overdrive) are wonderful, and I only wish everyone could experience them. I'm glad you're getting a taste. There's a sort of "Garden of Eden" lighthearted understanding of sensuality as pure joy that accompanies this experience. And when it's shared with others, it's truly magical.

It's a way to "grock" the idea, "Gee, this is how our sex lives could be...all the time."

Thanks to brain plasticity, we can all get there, no matter where we started.

Thank you very much for your

Thank you very much for your comments - I'm left with a burning feeling of determination! It's nice to feel the support; the value of writing and being listened to is great. It keeps me inspired. I've always relapsed, but I feel, being here, it's much less likely to happen. :)

I remember thinking that it might be impossible to heal lustfulness (stop all porn and masturbation, and to stop looking at women with lust). Now I'm trying it with a lot of determination, I find it's a fulfilling and inspiring thing. Everyday there are multiple challenges, multiple opportunities to abstain. And with each tiny step forward (e.g. stopping my head from turning, or letting go of a lustful thought), I feel stronger, knowing that I'm actively doing something *good*. I know that any small relapse (e.g. looking at a woman in the street), can lead to the full relapse. So it's a matter of *constant vigilance!*.

I'm inspired... thanks :)

Please keep sharing

your karezza experiences- it is very encouraging for me to hear from another ex porn addict who is learning karezza- you're blazing a trail ahead of me, and I can already see the path ahead of me better thru reading your accounts, as well as hearing the replies from the others here who are experienced with karezza. It is very obvious how much good karezza has done for you, and for your girlfriend too it sounds like. What an amazing privilege to know about this special way of making love, and I'm very inspired to hear that you and your girlfriend are making it happen in your life- it helps me become much more confident that I can have a karezza relationship in my life as well.