A quick update as to how things have been over the past few days :)
It's going well. Although it's early days, I think I feel a greater sense of well-being. I have more of an impression of how porn and masturbation has effected my state of being throughout my life - tiredness, laziness, emotional ups and downs, etc. It's still only Day 15 (I don't want to speak too soon!) but I have a general feeling of increasing inner balance. It's something I really want - feeling happy and peaceful within myself and with life in general. I look forward to 3 months time, looking back and seeing the changes.
There is still temptation to look at women in daily life, and I'm still trying to catch the automatic response to *gawk!*
Yesterday my girlfriend and I went to a peaceful lake to swim and lie in the sun. Whenever I've been to the beach in the past, it's always been full of temptation to look and lust after women. A lot of the porn I'd watch was "voyeur" style - nudist beach voyeur cameras. So, going to the beach in real life was probably very similar to my brain as watching a video on the internet. Underneath, going to the beach has always been a frustrating experience :/ Yesterday at the lake was nice - it was quiet, not too many people around, although there were still a few women there. Again, I was tempted to look, but managed to stop myself from doing so. If I don't keep on top of the automatic response, I know that I'm more likely to relapse, and getting stuck in that desire-frustration loop is awful.
It was a nice afternoon. I went swimming naked in the lake, which feels so nice - free and open. My girlfriend has gone nude on the beach/lake since she was young. To her, being naked is just a normal thing, with no lust or "voyeuristic" mentality involved. She feels free and loves the nature around her. However, for me, "nudism" has always been a sexualized thing, associated with lust and 'getting off'. Yesterday was a taste of being free for the first time. I can't wait for the day where I'm no longer trapped by the feeling of lust, and I can just stand free and innocent! :) I'm looking forward to being free of the trap of this addiction, and view love and sexuality with new eyes. I do feel it's starting to happen, but, it might be a long time before my brain is rewired.
I wasn't expecting to write all that about being at the lake, but it seems relevant. It made me think of the completely different realities that me and my girlfriend live in. And the more free and open, *not addicted* reality, is around the corner for me.
Karezza has been really nice. We've now had five karezza sessions. I feel I'm deepening my awareness of the same things I wrote about in the last blog post. I've been keeping in mind "sensation vs. stimulation" and intending to notice the difference. Sometimes my mind rushes into "stimulation mode" and I have to make the conscious effort to slow down. Being open to sensation is a completely different experience. I have to be present, present to every touch. When I'm present to every touch, each one can feel amazing, as if my body is vibrating and completely sensitive to even the lightest strokes. When I go into "stimulation mode," it's as if "I'm not there." My mind is in anticipation mode, never really feeling what's going on in the present moment. It's a state of frustration, looking for relief. So, I want to carry on learning to be present in order to feel and experience every touch fully. I find that being present is parallel to slowing down. When I'm present, I'm automatically slowing down, and when I consciously choose to slow down, I become more present.
Our relationship has changed in the past 2 weeks. I feel more connected with her. When I say connected, I mean, appreciative, grateful, happy, and in love. I see how sex with the goal of orgasm can have such a big effect on the relationship. The way I lose interest in her after having an orgasm. Before, when this would happen, I would recognize it and make the effort to be attentive and appreciative. However, underneath there was still the same feeling - tired and not entirely interested... disconnected, is the word. Now, with karezza, it's like the same feelings of appreciation and happiness spill over after the karezza session. I don't lose connection. This morning, I woke up, naked with her, and I felt that being naked with a woman, cuddling and caressing with warm bodies, is the greatest feeling. The feeling of love and being loved is so nice. It beats PMO by a zillion! So yeah, it's nice to see positive changes in the relationship, and my own sense of personal well-being.
It's still early days, but I sense what I'm learning with karezza, and I need time and patience to deepen that learning and understanding. Furthermore, I know those addiction pathways are still on high alert, looking for any chance to fire into motion. It's only Day 15, and the real challenge is to continue this *forever.*
Thanks for reading :)