boring, but sane evening ...

Submitted by looking4balance on
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Last night I decided to do my activities in a more centered way. It was OK, but kind of boring (why boring is such a four-letter word?). I made my dinner without the comforting background buzz of the TV, ate my meal slowly and in silence - being attentive to the food instead of shoveling it down, ironed shirts and carefully folded them, sat zazen for 20 minutes, read a bit and then went to bed. Great huh? Sure, I feel good today ... no regrets that I didn't do something I didn't want to (look at porn and masturbate), but it sure did cross my mind a few times. I know it's good to nurture myself and I did a good job, blah blah... but the feeling of aloneness was so LOUD, that here I was - alone in my little room, with my little meal, just a kind of small feeling... (not my normally omnipotent self who can control the universe, haha). Like "is this all there is?" kind of thing. I dunno ...

The TV thing is funny. I was essentially raised by the TV. I can tell you many arcane facts about 70s and 80s TV sitcoms since I have seen them ALL in re-run many times. My mom and dad being would socialize, even on weeknights, with the other suburbanites at someone's house for cocktails, whilst i sat with my frozen TV dinner on my TV tray in front of the TV (ain't it sad? lol) watching "The Jeffersons" and "Brady Bunch". Hey, the TV dinners were pretty cool though.. like Swanson's had some pop-up games in the cover. I never liked the carrots and corn, but the apple cobbler or choc brownie was always great (i usually ate that first). If not that, than Ellio's frozen pizza was up. I was a kid so I didnt know to say, "Hey why dont you both stop BOOZING it up so much and stay home and make me a REAL meal, dammit!". So, the TV became my evening companion. It's hard to shake that comforting reality-distracting habit and if I dont pay attention, can still spend many hours watching hours of crap on TV. I guess TV functioned similar to porn and no surprise it was at this age that my fascination with the 'special feeling' porn gave me blossomed. Ok, I will stop feeling sorry for myself about now :P

Anyway, it is what it is and you cant change the past and, no, I don't have any 'Mom's favorite dishes' since she hardly cooked (and isn't even that good anyway) so, yes, I get jealous of people who love their mother's food. But, at least I had a lot of pretty babysitters (that i would try to seduce, even at 10 years old! haha..I am not kidding!). One of them called my bluff to kiss her and I ran upstairs...chicken. ha!

On a more serious note, I did find a therapist and will start this Saturday. We will see what happens....

Have a good day!

Comments

You're beautiful!

I'm so enjoying your adventure. Your deeper wisdom shines right through your remaining bad habits. Smile

I'm sorry about the TV childhood. Personally I can no longer stand TV, although I was once impossible to tear from the screen once a show started...my sister used to amuse herself saying things like, "Marnia...the house is on fire" just to see if I would react, or remain glued to the tube.

I wish it were in my power to nurture all the undernourished folk on the planet. The good news is that as we master this skill of nurturing others, we are nourished ourselves. Maybe the plan is indeed for us to all wake up together.

Thanks Marinia That's funny

Thanks Marinia :)

That's funny about how you were so glued to the set as I was..
There are still a few interesting shows I like, but now i watch only when there is something i really like to see and not just put it on and channel surf like I used to (what ELSE is on?) lol.

All waking up together sounds nice..but that better be one really really big bed! (lame joke, i know)
:}

as always, thanks for your insights!

I kinda like

the symbol of a big bed, m'self. A sort of giant "wake up" slumber party with pals.

Years ago I spent a couple of weeks at Findhorn, a spiritual community in Scotland. 10 of us who met the first week of a two program (5 men, 5 women) decided to HAVE a slumber party on Valentine's Day night.

Everyone brought their bedding into one large room. We played innocent games (on the order of "find the chocolate hearts that someone had hidden"), exchanged chaste massages (choosing partners by drawing names from a hat), and giggled all night. One of the 'party animal' women said afterward, "That's the most fun I've had without alcohol." In truth, most of us were high for a week afterward.