Feel so BLAH today. Energy is low, interest is low, late for work...ever feel like crawling back into bed and never coming out? that's what today feels like to me. (sigh) oh well...
Last night I met a friend for dinner in a trendy part of the city and I noticed my usual parade of thoughts and feelings that arise when i am in an area dense with many beautiful sexy women walking around. The first is a recognition that there is something aesthetic/pleasing about what I am seeing (a face, shape of eyes, toned arms, legs...etc). After that comes desire coupled with the thought "if i could JUST have her as my GF", or "JUST have sex with her" -- i would be HAPPY. Then a feeling of distinct separation/duality and powerlessness comes with the thought, "someone as pretty/hot/desirable as that would never want ME". Then add some resentment (for them having this power over me), tiny bit of anger, envy, entitlement to taste, and the result is anxiety and depression. Nice huh? I hope to get to a place where it is as simple as ..
1. see a beautiful women
2. appreciate it
3. move on
Does my feeble mind really think that another person, either through relationship or sex, could heal my esteem/self-concept? I am not stupid but why does my emotional center STILL believe this ridiculous thought? Its not fair (and unrealistic) to pin that on someone and the net result is ALWAYS disappointment and anger at them for not providing that which is un-providable. So WHY do I still think it? The funny thing is the SAME thing comes about when looking for porn...If I could just find the PERFECT, most arousing video that caputres the fetish/fantasy du jour, then i will be magically healed, whole and happy forever more. Sigh - I want a new brain...
But, ultimately, I did not look at porn last night, surprisingly, even after seeing all the hottie women and having dinner with my very attractive women-friend. Maybe thats why i feel blah today.
well, back to work..
have a good day :)