depressed today ...

Submitted by looking4balance on
Printer-friendly version

Feel so BLAH today. Energy is low, interest is low, late for work...ever feel like crawling back into bed and never coming out? that's what today feels like to me. (sigh) oh well...

Last night I met a friend for dinner in a trendy part of the city and I noticed my usual parade of thoughts and feelings that arise when i am in an area dense with many beautiful sexy women walking around. The first is a recognition that there is something aesthetic/pleasing about what I am seeing (a face, shape of eyes, toned arms, legs...etc). After that comes desire coupled with the thought "if i could JUST have her as my GF", or "JUST have sex with her" -- i would be HAPPY. Then a feeling of distinct separation/duality and powerlessness comes with the thought, "someone as pretty/hot/desirable as that would never want ME". Then add some resentment (for them having this power over me), tiny bit of anger, envy, entitlement to taste, and the result is anxiety and depression. Nice huh? I hope to get to a place where it is as simple as ..
1. see a beautiful women
2. appreciate it
3. move on

Does my feeble mind really think that another person, either through relationship or sex, could heal my esteem/self-concept? I am not stupid but why does my emotional center STILL believe this ridiculous thought? Its not fair (and unrealistic) to pin that on someone and the net result is ALWAYS disappointment and anger at them for not providing that which is un-providable. So WHY do I still think it? The funny thing is the SAME thing comes about when looking for porn...If I could just find the PERFECT, most arousing video that caputres the fetish/fantasy du jour, then i will be magically healed, whole and happy forever more. Sigh - I want a new brain...

But, ultimately, I did not look at porn last night, surprisingly, even after seeing all the hottie women and having dinner with my very attractive women-friend. Maybe thats why i feel blah today.

well, back to work..
have a good day :)


If it's any consolation,

If it's any consolation, those lovely women are probably as miserable as you. They probably spend an equal amount or more time in the mirror trying to look irresistable, and then later after they've shown off, and the men have gone home to look at porn (though luckily we're not talking about YOU here), they probably look in the mirror some more, comparing themselves to other women and wishing and wondering how they might manage to compete with or embody the images the men are devouring.

This is really a sad state of affairs. I can only imagine how painful it is for people who grew up on TV, bombarded constantly with such images, when I myself am so prone to this behavior myself despite growing up on a hippy commune, exposed to a constant variety of naked human bodies. I have never had TV and never plan on it. However, I believe the computer has replaced the TV. There are many so-called hippies who profess to hate TV but now spend a lot of time on the computer.

Basically, I think that we have been living in a distorted male paradigm for so long that everyone is starving to death for a dose of the divine feminine to balance it all (when I say distorted male paradigm, I don't mean that the male principle is inherently distorted, but that the current paradigm is an adulteration of otherwise positive male qualities). Porn is powerful not just because of biological urges or chemical addictions, but because our culture is otherwise so divorced from any kind of sensuality at all. From visiting my grandma and seeing my first three hours of TV for the year, I would also say that alongside porn, America is sating it's need for sensuality via the food network. If you live in a flat urban environment filled with strip malls, food and porn hold a lot of appeal.

Sex in our culture is used primarily for manipulation and advertising. As more people live in urban environments and are divorced from the sensuality of the earth, women are increasingly objectified and used to fill this lack of tactile, sensual experience that could otherwise be experienced in a variety of nonsexual ways. I'm not saying that walking through a forest is exactly the same as sex, but I do think our general divorced state from the earth mama has led us into quite a predicament, one that both women and men are really ensnarled in.

I'm at a particularly acute point in my preoccupation with this need to be beautiful myself. My last boyfriend was a real alpha male type, handsome and sexy but frankly insecure in many ways (aren't we all, especially the beautiful ones). I think his insecurities and the power women had over him stemmed largely from him being unable to cultivate his own divine feminine. Most women are also deathly scared of the divine feminine as well, understandably since the receptive principle has been systematically raped for thousands of years.

Oh what a cheerful topic.

My point being, that whether you are beautiful or ugly or something in between, you will never be the most beautiful. There is simply too much variety of beauty out there. So, beutiful people are some of the most insecure people because they think they're on the playing field and have a chance, tho they are trying to compete for something that is inherently impossible. You, no matter how attractive you are, how rich or how powerful, will never end up with the most beautiful woman in the world, since she doesn't exist. I, likewise, will never secure the hottest man around. There will always be one that is a little hotter.

It is better to abandon this level alltogether. The times when I have felt the most beautiful and free were when I was on a six day kayak trip in the san juan islands. now I'm back in the city, with a roommate who has a mirror in every room.

Self-hatred is an occupation, that's why we love it so much. What on earth would we do if we stopped hating ourselves? Well, we'd have to be very creative.

I personally want to learn to use my own biological, procreative power and redirect it into self-love, nurturing, and vitality that I can then use in newly (pro)creative ways in my life. Standing in front of a mirror trying to look pretty isn't creative or pro-anyting. It's denigrating and a waste of time. I hope to become fully liberated from this concern someday. For when all is said and done, beyond my biological inheritance, which I can do little about, my beauty is my attitude and my open, flowing presence.

Like most people, I've been self-absorbed for most of my life. Yet I have loved myself through little of it. When I now say that I want to redirect my eneryg into self-love, it's not because I think, "Well, I have to love myself first, THEN I can help other people." Rather, whenever I am about to do or think something abusive to myself, when I am able to liberate myself from this pattern with myself, I am liberating the whole of humanity. So maybe it could help you to think that you don't liberate yourself just for your own sake; when you liberate even one addictive thought, you are affecting the whole. Just read some quantum mechanics if you don't believe this. You have a responsibility to all of us to become liberated.

May all beings become free from judgement and bias based on outside appearances!

That was longer than I thought . . . for whatever its worth.

hey, thanks for that nice

hey, thanks for that nice stream of thought..
i think you are right about us being deprived of everyday beauty/sensuality (is it there is not a lot of it or we are just too preoccupied to look carefully?). In any event, porn is an easy cheap fix, and its not even really about beauty anyway, but just power and control...but I digress...

you know, I am so self-absorbed when i am gawking at women, i never considered what their thought process or reality might be, as you described. I guess i figured they were pretty, they KNEW they were pretty and thus could just reap the benefits of that forever and ever..haha..silly boy.

I like your idea of self liberation as part of the liberation of all beings. it gives it much more meaning and imperative when thought of that way...

thanks again!
have a good night

Random thoughts on the power of yin

One of the unexpected gifts of sharing this bizarre material about how our mating neurochemistry may actually be pushing men and woman apart (even if it successfully unites genitals in frantic, fleeting encounters), is that it gets men and women talking in a way that helps each find compassion for the other. This seems an important step toward reuniting the sexes so they can truly nourish each other again.

These posts of yours have also inspired me to share a sort of "stream of consciousness," so here goes:

My grandmother had two proposals of marriage after the age of 83 (when my grandfather died). Although she didn't remarry, both were long term relationships. The last guy was a year older than she was and died at 99 the year before she did. She went down hill quite rapidly after his death. They were literally keeping each other alive because they enjoyed each other's company.

Quite obviously, she did not look like she was 20 when those men wanted to marry her. And both of her suitors could have selected much younger women at the life care facility where she was living when she met them. It was her inner light, her genuine love of, and caring toward, men, and her sense of humor that attracted them. And at a deeper level it was her confidence as a woman. I call it "yin magnetism." I tried to capture this concept in an article, "The Power of Yin." (

So, anyway, it is most refreshing to hear 'hotspring' say "my beauty is my attitude and my open, flowing presence." How true! That presence is also what actually nurtures the men in your life. It is actually what they are seeking, behind the made up faces and breast enhancement operations they are trained to lust after.

Too often we regard the shallowness they get stuck in as purely THEIR problem. Yet we are fueling it by allowing the cosmetic industry to turn us into mannequins. It is essential for women to become VERY clear about what we really have to offer. We are not visual junk food, but springs of nurturing yin energy. If we mistake ourselves for junk food to the point of cutting up our bodies and creating scar tissue and future health problems just to look good for a few years, how are men EVER going to figure out who we are, or, more importantly, what can truly nurture them?

I often want to plead with young women NOT to have breast enhancements and tooth-whitening. It shows a complete error of understanding about what female essence is. That essence lasts a my grandmother demonstrated. It cannot be enhanced from without, and cosmetic means of enhancing oneself actually LOWER one's yin quotient, because one ALSO begins to mistake looks for essence. This is a disaster, especially later in life, when the temporary enhancements collapse (think Michael Jackson). Yin essence is an inner glow.

So is yang essence. I feel male energy in my life like...well...sunshine. I just feel better around it. I like the sounds of men's voices, and their maleness, whether it shows itself through baldness or beardedness. I like those (physical) things because they represent the male essence that is not even physical. That essence is a sort of energy gift I receive just from being around men, laughing with them, getting their advice on "man" projects, and so forth.

Here's the secret that both sexes seem to have forgotten in this rush for women to look like porn stars. Men, too, can be very nurtured just by our presence. I once did an exercise as part of a group where I held both hands of a man who was extremely jumpy and anxious. Within moments he calmed down and began to yawn. After the short exercise he said he felt great (and he hadn't even done the exercise!). So what really calms and nurtures men? It's actually not screwing that magic porn-star-like body that "looking4" describes, just as he is beginning to see for himself. That just leads to days of depressing withdrawal and a desperate search for another encounter.

Men are nurtured by a smile that shows we like them, by our touch (when it is given to soothe, not to manipulate), by our openness to them, by our gratitude for their help, and yes, by food prepared especially for them (no, I don't think every woman has to stay in the kitchen, but just as I, a very capable former lawyer, feel that "all is right with the world" when a man solves a mechanical problem for me, the men in my life seem to feel just as deeply pampered by the simple gesture of preparing them some real food). These things can make men glow, just as they can make us glow simply with their presence, laughter, advice/problem solving, teasing, etc.

That's not to say that sex can't also be used in a way that nurtures and heightens each other's inner glow. It's just to say that, at base, what benefits us is an energy exchange that creates that sense of well-being, that glow. And the more open-hearted and generous the contact, the more powerful the flow.

Since I have learned how nurturing these simple gifts can be, I go out of my way to smile at men of all ages, knowing that I can brighten their days with that simple act. I also flirt with them...not in a way that leaves them with the impression that I want anything, but just to make them feel good about being men. In short, I realize the truth about my healing, goddess power, and I put it to use throughout my life.

Sadly, we humans are being manipulated into trying to meet our energy/ sexual magnetism needs at a level that will only keep us hungry (with hot sex and churning relationships)...and to completely miss how much we could really be doing for each other's wellbeing, if we learned how to share our yin or yang energy just to make each other glow.

Strangely, one group that seems to be stumbling on some of this wisdom is the asexual young people who cuddle and buddy up, but don't try to devour each other sexually. ( bet many will end up in very satisfying relationships, precisely because they found a way to resist seeing each other as junk food. Not only that, they will find their interim contact with each other far more satisfying and playful than the hungry lust, occasionally sated, that the rest of humanity has been tricked into thinking will satisfy.

When sex is an extension of this generous attitude between the sexes, it, too, becomes a profound source of nourishment. This, however, takes a bit of gradual reprogramming because most of us are already embedded IN the sexual addictive cycle by the time we begin to work out that it is not feeding us deeply. While embedded, the uncomfortable feelings of withdrawal/lack/discouragement keep us GRABBING whenever we get near a potential mating opportunity. This means we never stumble on the benefits of making GIVING our first priority.

In any event, it is nice to see 'hotspring's' inner goddess shining through. She can bet that if she knows her true power, men will, too. The next step is to nurture a man safely when in relationship, so both are not thrown back into that perception-shifting addictive cycle...but that's the subject of this website, so no need to repeat it all here. Smile

I'll try to make my comment

I'll try to make my comment here brief for now because I have other things to do and otherwise would probably spend all day on this forum. These discussions are so important, though.

Last night after making my last post I was thinking how creativity really is satisfying because it nourishes our souls. Many addictions give us a sense of accomplishment but without any real creative expenditure on our part, which is why we need more of that substance, since it never really nourished us. The metaphor of junk food is apt here; obesity is growing because junk food doesn't nourish; therefore the body of someone who has just gorged on a huge amount of junk will still be hungry because it has not been nourished.

So I'm glad to see Marnia bring up this topic of nourishment - nourishing our own essence, nourishing eachother.

I believe that lots of physical activity - sports, cuddling, time in nature - does much to nourish our very natural and real need for sensory stimulation and for a feeling of strenght and power. Creative pursuits are also essential to self-nourishment. And then there is the cultivation of a spiritual discipline.

I remember when I lived in Istanbul I had a huge amount of free time on my hands and was struggling because I realized that when busy I constantly complained that I didn't have time for creative pursuits. Then, when i actually had the time, I found I did not have the discipline to follow through with the creative projects I had so elaborately desired to cultivate and focus on. I was having similar difficulties with establishing a solid spiritual discipline of daily meditation beyond the 20minutes most people take to give themselves a little pat on the back.

Most of us associate discipline with an obligation imposed from the outside. I changed that view when I read a passage in the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. It went something like this: "We come to meditation not out of a sense of discipline, but because we recognize it as our daily nourishment and food."

May all beings bask in the intrinsic radiance that is the ground of their being, and be fully nourished with the self-luminous intelligence that permeates all!

You know, i feel that yin

You know, i feel that yin energy and when i do, its def not something sexual, but spiritual and uplifting. i have felt it while watching ballet, or when a woman smiles genuinely but with a hint of humility - times such as those. I also love it when a woman asks me to put furniture together for her or hook up an entertainment system, but i thought that was more of my 'need to be needed' or making myself indispensable, warding off abandonment-ish stuff. maybe not ALL of it then. hmmm...

I know the examples i used are all visual examples and i wish that I didn't put SO much value on the visual. It was my gift (in that i am motion graphics artist) but also my curse. Its like that bad movie with Jack Black called 'Shallow Hal'. Something happens to him (i think he gets hit in the head or some other bad Hollywood device) and then after that, he no longer sees women's outsides only their insides. So the 'Porn Beauty' he sees as gross (no innner beauty) and vice versa. God i would love to be hit on the head to just have some of that! I know my brain is wired the way it is and at my age, its probably mostly set so i have to accept that I am a VERY visual person, but i can decide to not ACT on that or make decisions based on that. I don't know..

Great to be talking about this and so glad to be able to know the thoughts and desires of healthy women. How lucky I am for you all to share this with me. A big THANK YOU!

This is such a fun exchange

It's nice to be heard, and to know that you have experienced these things.

There's nothing wrong with being visual. It's hard to explain, but as you step out of the addictive cycle of sex, your perception shifts. I still SEE my husband, but I now think his pointed (actually very ordinary) nose is one of the most adorable items on the planet.

As you experience more of this phenomenon, you will realize that you don't NEED a knock on the head to "see" someone's inner beauty instead of her cosmetic charms. Those we love and nurture grow more adorable to us. This is why people can be totally goofy about their ugly babies, gnome-like grandparents, and funny looking mutts.

"Beauty is in the eye of the giver/carer." It's actually very freeing to realize that we can find just about ANYone adorable by changing our own attitude toward them. But this shift is not likely while we're feeling desperately hungry inside and trying to use them to fill the kind of hole you have spoken of in earlier posts.

The trick is to get rid of that recurring hole by reaching for "wholeness" instead. That's the true gift of sacred sex practice: it can actually shift perception in the direction of spiritual perception. Supposedly when we master it completely, we will just see each other as beautiful rays of light. Sounds kind of cool.

PS On behalf of womanhood, I would like to thank you for sharing your technical wizardry skills. They are much appreciated.