I swear I'm keeping this one short so stick around. today I finished the book by Daniel Keyes called "Flowers for Algernon", and honestly, it was the first book that has moved me in a long time. I could easily say that the book is about a guy who is dumb, who acquires knowledge and then loses it, but I think it is laced with so many messages for life. However, what really hit me the hardest was how everyone changed towards the main character as he acquired knowledge. He went from having bad friends because he was mentally ill, to having no friends but being incredibly intelligent. Everyone complained that he had changed, and that he no longer had the same light that he used to have. He was called arrogant and unappreciative by the people who used to look at him with such good intentions.
It just makes me think back at how many things I've tried, and how much knowledge I've gained JUST so I could get girls to give me things without having to sacrifice anything of my own. It was a selfish acquisition of tools and techniques all geared towards protecting me. Naturally none of them worked because no matter what mask I wore, I was always the same scared guy underneath. though I've gained a lot of knowledge about myself and other social dynamics, it has left me alone and somewhat confused. I used to love drawing comics and telling stories, but you know what? Girls saw them and didn't like them much. It wasn't achieving a goal, so I stopped. I changed degrees in college to something I know and care nothing about. Honestly, I started this whole no PMO thing in hopes that it would improve my chances with women, but things changed...All that self sufficiency BS that I use to preach and abide by is just that. Seeing my porn watching friends get girlfriends really makes me jealous. I say I'm happy for them but... I know I can't hate them for it for making the necessary sacrifices that I'm too great to make, but I do. I should be more honest with myself. I need someone to give a damn about me. I want to be with someone. BADLY now. I curse this journey for reminding me of just how scared I really am, but at the same time, I think it's shown me the light that it's time I grew up.
I hate ranting...