My self-loving experiments haven't gone far since my last post. I haven't felt like masturbating and meditating at all. It's no replacement for a real person to make love to. I guess I'm feeling lonely lately, is what it comes down to.
I have had some fun sex in the dreamworld though. Again, the sex in my dreams has become very playful and enjoyable since my deeper explorations in tantric meditation.
I think that posting in this forum has helped me in actually trying to move forward with my experiment because others are aware of it. If I had challenged only myself I would probably have given up by now. i do intend to experience a whole month without orgasm or pot smoking.
Since my last nonrogasmic meditation I've noticed much more ability to not act compulsively in other areas. The impulse arises, but is easily dismissed. I've only thought about blazing a doobie once or twice in the past week, but dismissed the thought immediately. Usually I would use pot to relax and dance in my room and do stretches and breathing. I'm still doing these things; maybe with a more calm approach without the high; but I'm also not drained of energy and lethargic anymore either. My current state of balance is calm and energized, less dramatic and therefore lacking a little of the spunky fun of going between high and low, but it feels better this way.
I still struggle with an addiction to the mirror as a place I go daily to assess and question my worth as a woman. Many people would probably be surprised, looking at me, that I have this issue, since I don't wear very much makeup.
I had this dream a few months ago:
I am sitting at a large table putting kohl on my eye. I am asked by a disembodied voice to describe what it feels like when I am my true self. I say how ironic it is that the question has come up when I have kohl on one eye and not the other. I say something about how my true self changes, it isn't consistent.
I've found some very interesting reflections in my journal about self-image and image in general in this culture. Maybe I'll type it up at some point, if anyone's interested.