Today i feel a bit more depressed then yesterday. But another porn-free night (yeh), although I WAS tempted (to rid the depression). I had Google ready to go, but chose not to and went to sleep instead. I have noticed my dreams are becoming more sexual...
Some thoughts/questions this morning ...
i wonder why 90 percent of my friends are women?
-Do i think one day there is a chance i could sleep with them?
-Do I get some healing/soothing Yin energy by being in their company?
-Is it that I am prob more sensitive than average 'alpha male' so being in presence of women is just more enjoyable/comfortable?
i don't know, but i will pay attention to find out. I just know i like hanging out with women more than men. I probably should find some male friends though, just for balance.
How does this affect my choice in finding a partner?
NOTE: Please forgive my usage of the word 'feminine' and 'masculine' here as my vocab is limited and don't know what other words to use in this case. Also my examples are somewhat stereotypical, but it's just to illustrate, so please don't take them too literally, k? that said..
I still don't know who would ultimately be a good match for my higher than normal ability to identify with the feminine side. Would a very 'feminine', girlie-girl (so that by comparison I appear more Yang in terms of energy?) or a more 'masculine' tomboy-ish girl be more apropos (so that both our other-gender identifications complement each other just like the yin/yang symbol)?
I know when i am in a relationship with a more girlie-girl (shows emotion very easily, loves wearing dresses, skirts, etc) it appeals to my sense of feeling like a 'man', etc. But if she is happens to be passive too, then I get bored and end up resenting her for not putting me in my place and letting me get what i want all the time (bad mommy should have disciplined me!ha) or i see her as being too ruled by her emotions and thus, irrational. That was the case with my ex-wife.
When with a more masculine(?), less sensitive woman (who doesn't cry at movies for example, played sports instead of with dolls, doesn't spend hours doing makeup,etc) I feel more comfortable in that there is more emphasis on factual points of conflicts, can do more together (workout together, etc) but if she is TOO cold and doesn't show me her emotions, i don't trust her and then i try to find ways to GET her to show emotion (acting dramatic, causing conflict) so i can trust her, or if she NEVER cries at heartwarming movies in front of me and I do, i feel "how can we be really close if her soul isn't moved by what mine is"?
These are not great examples and I realize that what i painted were extremes of characteristics. There are many shades of gray, of course. But it seems in both these examples, I am DOOMED since i appear to not be satisfied with either scenario! Is there a happy medium between these 2 examples? I am yet to met her, but even if i did meet her, I still have to work out my own s--t first or the relationship won't work anyway. Another 'sigh'
well, back to work!
as always, comments and thoughts welcome!