well folks, what i am finding underneath my acting addictively and numbing myself is good ol' depression. Seeing how my old ways to avoid pain clearly dont work and that I used this to cover my depression makes even MORE depressed! haha...but at least this is more real than an addictive numbed out state. i am trying to just feel it with out changing too much, although i am finding a good jog really lifts me out of myself and gives some vitality (no doubt dopamine).
Speaking of brain chemicals, i went to see a psychiatrist yesterday and although the intention was good (ie reaching out for help and admitting this is a serious problem), i dismayed at his (not so surprising) suggestion of meds (SSRIs, and some dopamine agents) to correct. I told him i would like to do this naturally with food changes and activity changes, but i am still waiting to see if he will work with me that way. I am an anti-medicine person mostly and also i dont want to get all the side effects of those meds. We'll see what happens. Its been a sexless weekend although i had 2 opportunites to 'score!' haha.. Let's see, last orgasm was 1 week ago today and havent looked at porn for I think almost 3 weeks,wow! thats not bad. might be 2 1/2 weeks, but still. I think the grip is loosening but not gone. I can feel its pull just under the surface, flying low but always there..at least for now.
I wonder why I am adverse to meds to balance this chemisty? I mean the chemicals in my brain are also chemicals and this is just using other chemicals to correct. Kind of makes sense. So,is this a control thing, in that I feel powerless if I take an outside thing to fix my brain? Or am I afraid to REALLY get better? Hanging on to my addiction/depression since its how I have been for so long has become a big part of my self identity. I am afraid to become different, maybe even happy?(crowd gasping sound). Anyway, will see what the doc says and then decide.
So this weekend I did some quality study time with the language I am learning, went for a run, met friends and had dinner, did drink a few beers but did not get drunk or binge, did some laundry..just normal stuff and feel pretty good but still crappy. Really interesting to watch how feelings and perceptions change after food and activity. Biggest one was after that run. I felt so different. Drugs, Sch-mugs, who needs em? Well, maybe ME, but for now i just say no..