good news: still no porn (going on more than 3 weeks) and passed up a few opportunities for "extra curricular" sex with former partners and potential new ones - ("yea!")
bad news: had addictive sex with my partner last night and orgasmed. twice.(faint and off-tune "yea")
You know I convinced myself that having sex with my GF, even addictive sex, was better than porn and masturabation. I suppose if I made an honest attempt at thoughtful loving sex, then maybe that might be true, but honestly I didn't. There was no tenderness, just testosterone. I hung my esteem on my performace again, and even though I passed my own internal 'test', i still feel lousy. The fact that the opportunity was there and she was willing was enough for me not to try to dig deeper, i guess.
All i can do now is just observe the outcome. Today I feel down and apathetic, colorless and its no surprise. Maybe watching myself write the same crap every Monday morning will give me the imperative to act differently. Maybe i need to break up with her so there is no excuse for me and ANY kind of sex I have at that point would have to be clearly out of bounds (porn, one night stand, etc..)
What do i need to do with regards to her that this doesn't keep happening?
Just keep trying i guess...