good news/bad news..ain't it always the way?

Submitted by looking4balance on
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good news: still no porn (going on more than 3 weeks) and passed up a few opportunities for "extra curricular" sex with former partners and potential new ones - ("yea!")

bad news: had addictive sex with my partner last night and orgasmed. twice.(faint and off-tune "yea")

You know I convinced myself that having sex with my GF, even addictive sex, was better than porn and masturabation. I suppose if I made an honest attempt at thoughtful loving sex, then maybe that might be true, but honestly I didn't. There was no tenderness, just testosterone. I hung my esteem on my performace again, and even though I passed my own internal 'test', i still feel lousy. The fact that the opportunity was there and she was willing was enough for me not to try to dig deeper, i guess.

All i can do now is just observe the outcome. Today I feel down and apathetic, colorless and its no surprise. Maybe watching myself write the same crap every Monday morning will give me the imperative to act differently. Maybe i need to break up with her so there is no excuse for me and ANY kind of sex I have at that point would have to be clearly out of bounds (porn, one night stand, etc..)

What do i need to do with regards to her that this doesn't keep happening?

Just keep trying i guess...

Thanks

Comments

I think you need to convince

I think you need to convince your "GF" of the validity of a new style of lovemaking. If she's not interested, move on. It can be hard to shift a pattern if you already have established such a conventional one. Unless she's frusterated with your present style of lovemaking, she'll probaly find your suggestion of nonorgasmic sex weird. The way you've described her till now, it seems she holds no special place in your heart - she is alternately your GF, your partner, or another opportunity amidst many others - sounds like a fuck buddy.

I think that if you really admit to yourself that you want to try new things and you allow yourself to be selective enough that you can be single for a little while, you will meet someone who you can experience this with. If you don't give it a real chance, it won't happen. If you do, it will.

I was sortov afraid to break up with my ex-boyfriend because I thougth I would probably never find a man again who wanted to avoid orgasm. Every man I've been with since then (three) has been totally hip with the idea and the learning curve. It's much easier to start off a relationship on the right foot than to retrain addictive behavior.

good point..I think in all

good point..I think in all honesty, i use the word GF here for convenience, but in reality we are probably more like good friends that have sex (more than f-buddy, but less than BF/GF). Thanks for allowing me to own up to that. Yea, working through the 'being single/alone' fears that have plagued me throughout my dating life would allow for a fresh start I suppose, with someone who at least is open to trying new things in the name of understanding/evolving. It would also allow me to being more genuine/honest in relationships. It just takes getting over that fear I guess...