I'm not feeling good today. I'm not sure why.
I have the same feeling of being in a "trance" that I'd get after watching pornography, where it's like I'm unaffected by everything around me... disassociated. I feel like a "blank stare," and have a lack of inner coherance. It's not nice! The last time I felt like this was after my last relapse, 22 days ago, when I joined the forum. Have any of you guys felt like this?
I've had a lot of negativity going through me. Anger (rage). Confusion. Worry. Paranoia. Feelings of hate and blame towards the world.
I've had negativity coming up regarding my relationship.
My whole perception is colored by negativity.
My girlfriend and I did karezza over the past few days; I'll try to remember how things have gone.
On Saturday night, we had a long session, maybe two hours of karezza. At the end, I felt great. I felt, perhaps, better then when I orgasm. I couldn't continue though. I felt I had to stop, even though I felt good. It felt like "too much." When we stopped, all I could do was hug her. In the morning, we continued, perhaps for another hour. It felt great, waking up hugging, moving into karezza, like we hadn't stopped.
However, I've been worrying that we aren't slow enough. Sometimes we go slowly (the time I write about above, we were going slowly), but there are times when I think we go too fast, and I go into performance mode. I know that she enjoys it when I go fast, though, so when I see her enjoying, it can be hard to slow down. Eventually I do, but, with the concern in the back of my mind that I'm not doing karezza "properly." As soon as I start going fast, I become disconnected and less present (incidentally, in the past, I'd lose my erection during sex whenever I'd start going fast).
On Sunday evening, we did more karezza, for a couple of hours. Towards the end, I felt negative inside. It was like there was no love in my touches, and my perception was colored in the same way... I felt no love in her touches (even if there was love there). I told her, "I feel disconnected, how do you feel?" She said she felt good, that she didn't feel any disconnection. I had negative and doubtful thoughts coming up about our relationship, and I felt frustrated in general.
In the past, before coming on the forum, I found the idea of having sex with just one woman difficult (i.e. having a long-term girlfriend). I felt that my girlfriend was a great girlfriend, but I was also finding every other girl on the street attractive. I had a lot of temptation to approach other women, and had to stop myself from doing so, feeling that the higher path to take was to develop the relationship. At the same time, I found myself less attracted and interested in sex with my girlfriend. It was confusing, annoying, and frustrating!
It seems that what I was going through was to do with the pornography addiction, and everything that Gary talks about in the videos. My primitive brain wants to impregnate other women, and finds the girlfriend less enticing (just like the lab rats). Does this sound right? What I was experiencing in the real world was the same brain process that goes on with pornography?
Incidentally, I did some research into the Maddona/Whore complex around the time, since it seemed related to what I was going through. I'm wondering if the porn addiction and what goes on in the brain could be related in any way to the Madonna/Whore complex? I'm not sure, but it seems like a practice like karezza could help to heal the complex.
I wasn't expecting to write the stuff above! But, I suppose it describes how I feel now. I was experiencing a lot of stuff that was harmful to our relationship, that seems related to the issues with pornography. And I know now, I can't trust my perception, in this negative state.
Also, it explains why karezza has been so refreshing for me. I know that I have much to heal inside before I can truly love, and have the capacity to give myself totally to one woman, and karezza seems to be a great practice that is helping me to heal.
So... I don't know, really, why I'm in this negative state. But, it seems like it might be related to not doing karezza properly - activating the pleasure/reward circuitry of my brain too much? Too much stimulation, not enough focus on sensation? Perhaps those moments of going too fast need to be completely discarded?
Perhaps I'm experiencing a chaser? Is it possible without having had an orgasm? Last night I felt like I just wanted to be alone. Also, we did do a lot of karezza this weekend. Maybe like, five or six hours in total, which could be very stimulating to the primitive brain if we're not going slowly enough.
Or, perhaps this is just part of the rebooting process, this kind of low? I've heard guys talk about "flatlining," too... although, I'm not sure what it is - what is it?
Or, perhaps I just need to be patient, and allow time to let the negative storm pass.
My personality type gets all critical and perfectionistic when I'm in stress, so right now all I hear in my head is, "you gotta read more about karezza!" I also intend to read Marnia's book, as soon as possible. Even when I'm not in stress, I'm generally impacient with the process of learning. I have the capacity to learn quickly, however, nothing ever feels quick enough for me. That's a nice way in which my girlfriend balances me... she's very pacient. Yesterday she said, "it won't always go perfectly... it's just the learning process."
Thank you for reading, guys. Any comments are welcome :)