My boyfriend and I have been living together since September 1st, which is also when we began the Ecstatic Exchanges. We've been dating for a little over a year, with almost no problems except for our sex life. Briefly -- he wanted to have sex a lot, I didn't. Other than our sexual differences, we are very deeply in love and he is a wonderful, caring and sweet person. I found Marina's book sort of on a whim, but it seemed to address all of the problems we've been facing. After reading Marina's book, I thought I had found the answer to all my problems! It took some convincing to get my boyfriend on track with me, but after he read some of the book, he agreed to try this new method.
So we started the exchanges, it went well at first. We did them every night except for one weekend when I was away at a yoga camp. It was in the mountains so I had no reception and wasn't able to talk to him at all for two days. When I came back, we got into a huge fight, but concluded that we sort of disrupted our energies by two days of zero communication. We went back into the exchanges and things seemed be going okay. Then a couple days ago, I had the following dream:
I was married and had two kids with a man, but I started cheating on him with a pornographer. I had sex with him every night and had wonderful, loud, passionate orgasms. I let him take many explicitly sexual photos of me for his porno website, and I enjoyed this objectification and touching of myself. Finally, I told him this had to stop and I had to go back to my husband. When I went home, my husband's friend was there and told me that my husband knew I was cheating and was going to take me to court. Then he said that my husband was also cheating on me, and was having sex with another woman right at that minute. I collapsed on the floor, screaming and crying, but no one would comfort me. Instead, a group of people surrounded me and stared at me in disgust. Then I woke up.
I told my boyfriend about this dream, and then he admitted that he had masturbated and ejaculated once during the exchanges. A little reluctantly, we decided to start the nurturing phase over. Last night, I dreamt that a device existed that could give a woman the best orgasm in the world. It was some type of rube goldberg machine that stimulated a woman's clitoris and could give her an orgasm that lasted hours. I was determined to find it. However... the machine was guarded by a hoard of vicious zombies. I got a few axes and tried to kill the zombies to get to it, but eventually became too frightened and with great despair, I gave up. Then I woke up.
So yeah... I don't know what's going on. Last night, my boyfriend said he was afraid that all I'm doing is prolonging us not having sex. And to be honest, I'm not that thrilled to have sex again. I've always been the type of girl who CANNOT get an orgasm through a man. I've had 12 sexual partners in my lifetime, most of my sexual experiences have been very uneventful. My current boyfriend is the only person who has ever given me an orgasm. And the only way he can do it is through stimulating my clitoris. Vaginal penetration usually feels very uncomfortable and/or painful. Or sometimes it just doesn't feel like anything at all. I can easily give myself an orgasm through masturbation, the first of many times I had orgasms were through myself. I feel like sexual pleasure to me comes from a very personal experience. To me, sex with a man is depressing because I get the sense that I am being used to basically "jack off" a man, while I sit there in pain or boredom. Even if it starts out really exciting, after 10 minutes I am usually praying for the act to be finished.
So right now, after these few dreams, I feel intense sadness that I will never be able to have this absolute pleasure with myself and my body. I'm getting random huge urges to masturbate (which I didn't have at all until I had these dreams). And I'm still very un-thrilled about the idea of having to have sex again. I know that when we do have sex, it is supposed to be a very spiritual, connecting and different experience... but for some reason I don't fully believe it yet. I feel that once we do have sex, we will quickly fall back into our regular routines.
I feel like the exchanges have brought us close together, although living together has also done the same effect. One positive thing -- I do greatly feel that my boyfriend touches me in a much more giving way then he ever used to. I remember before these exchanges, that sometimes when he touched me, I got this urge to push him away, that he was being needy and hungry. I rarely ever have this feeling anymore. I'm also trying myself to be much more giving, because while I don't think I have ever been "hungry" or needy, I may have been the opposite. Distant, pushy, a very harsh critic of men. So I'm trying to be more caring, nurturing and giving as well.
Anyways, that's my comment for now. I'd love to hear what anyone else has to say. I'll be posting more updates as we go along.