♥Day 20 of the Exchanges

Submitted by balance on
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My boyfriend and I have been living together since September 1st, which is also when we began the Ecstatic Exchanges. We've been dating for a little over a year, with almost no problems except for our sex life. Briefly -- he wanted to have sex a lot, I didn't. Other than our sexual differences, we are very deeply in love and he is a wonderful, caring and sweet person. I found Marina's book sort of on a whim, but it seemed to address all of the problems we've been facing. After reading Marina's book, I thought I had found the answer to all my problems! It took some convincing to get my boyfriend on track with me, but after he read some of the book, he agreed to try this new method.

So we started the exchanges, it went well at first. We did them every night except for one weekend when I was away at a yoga camp. It was in the mountains so I had no reception and wasn't able to talk to him at all for two days. When I came back, we got into a huge fight, but concluded that we sort of disrupted our energies by two days of zero communication. We went back into the exchanges and things seemed be going okay. Then a couple days ago, I had the following dream:

I was married and had two kids with a man, but I started cheating on him with a pornographer. I had sex with him every night and had wonderful, loud, passionate orgasms. I let him take many explicitly sexual photos of me for his porno website, and I enjoyed this objectification and touching of myself. Finally, I told him this had to stop and I had to go back to my husband. When I went home, my husband's friend was there and told me that my husband knew I was cheating and was going to take me to court. Then he said that my husband was also cheating on me, and was having sex with another woman right at that minute. I collapsed on the floor, screaming and crying, but no one would comfort me. Instead, a group of people surrounded me and stared at me in disgust. Then I woke up.

I told my boyfriend about this dream, and then he admitted that he had masturbated and ejaculated once during the exchanges. A little reluctantly, we decided to start the nurturing phase over. Last night, I dreamt that a device existed that could give a woman the best orgasm in the world. It was some type of rube goldberg machine that stimulated a woman's clitoris and could give her an orgasm that lasted hours. I was determined to find it. However... the machine was guarded by a hoard of vicious zombies. I got a few axes and tried to kill the zombies to get to it, but eventually became too frightened and with great despair, I gave up. Then I woke up.

So yeah... I don't know what's going on. Last night, my boyfriend said he was afraid that all I'm doing is prolonging us not having sex. And to be honest, I'm not that thrilled to have sex again. I've always been the type of girl who CANNOT get an orgasm through a man. I've had 12 sexual partners in my lifetime, most of my sexual experiences have been very uneventful. My current boyfriend is the only person who has ever given me an orgasm. And the only way he can do it is through stimulating my clitoris. Vaginal penetration usually feels very uncomfortable and/or painful. Or sometimes it just doesn't feel like anything at all. I can easily give myself an orgasm through masturbation, the first of many times I had orgasms were through myself. I feel like sexual pleasure to me comes from a very personal experience. To me, sex with a man is depressing because I get the sense that I am being used to basically "jack off" a man, while I sit there in pain or boredom. Even if it starts out really exciting, after 10 minutes I am usually praying for the act to be finished.

So right now, after these few dreams, I feel intense sadness that I will never be able to have this absolute pleasure with myself and my body. I'm getting random huge urges to masturbate (which I didn't have at all until I had these dreams). And I'm still very un-thrilled about the idea of having to have sex again. I know that when we do have sex, it is supposed to be a very spiritual, connecting and different experience... but for some reason I don't fully believe it yet. I feel that once we do have sex, we will quickly fall back into our regular routines.

I feel like the exchanges have brought us close together, although living together has also done the same effect. One positive thing -- I do greatly feel that my boyfriend touches me in a much more giving way then he ever used to. I remember before these exchanges, that sometimes when he touched me, I got this urge to push him away, that he was being needy and hungry. I rarely ever have this feeling anymore. I'm also trying myself to be much more giving, because while I don't think I have ever been "hungry" or needy, I may have been the opposite. Distant, pushy, a very harsh critic of men. So I'm trying to be more caring, nurturing and giving as well.

Anyways, that's my comment for now. I'd love to hear what anyone else has to say. I'll be posting more updates as we go along.

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Can you bear to read another book?

People here sometimes say that my book is the "why," and the books of Diana Richardson are the "how." I think you might really benefit from "Tantric Orgasm for Women." It's a bit redundant (like mine isn't... Wink ), but it has excellent suggestions for wiring up your sexual feelings so you feel more sexually responsive.

My thought is that you may actually have to go through an "orgasm" phase before you relax back into an "orgasmic feelings" phase. At the very least you have to be able to feel pleasurable feelings during intercourse. But don't force the orgasms. Those kind don't help. Just employ the Richardson ideas and see where they take you. And be patient. You will notice very little at first, perhaps. Your brain is literally rewiring itself, so give it time and be gentle with yourself.

There's also a good men's book by the Richardsons: http://www.reuniting.info/tantric_sex_for_men_richardson It's shorter and better in many ways, but doesn't have as many tips on helping women feel their libido.

It's great that you have a sweetheart who is so willing. Tell him not to worry about his ejaculation, and thank him for being honest. Also, trust the timing. He didn't necessarily slow you two down. It's likely you need more time anyway.

Once you have a look at the Richardsons' books, it may be time for some "soft entry" and stillness if you can manage it. It's sometimes good not to delay intercourse indefinitely, because the deeper connection is very nourishing to you both.

Of course you are using the

Of course you are using the exchanges to delay having sex... isn't that the point? Doesn't he want you to not feel pain, loathing, dread, etc when you have sex with him? Then he's going to have to be patient! And once he can get past the withdrawals from orgasming, he will find he has a lot more patience. Be sure to tell him after every exchange how it has changed the way you perceive his touch, etc... encourage him and highlight the positives and encourage him to talk about his own experience. Communication is an important part of sexual healing.

I experienced pain for several years during intercourse, and only started to get rid of it with Karezza. A lot of women apparently experience pain due to tension (you certainly must be tense, feeling like you are being used) and therefore experience much better sensation when they learn to relax, give, and receive during karezza. Your partner will have to work with you on that one, since his intentions during intercourse are obviously important to your experience. Are you familiar with your PC muscles? I found that when I started doing kegels, I could better tell what/where to relax during sex.

My advice would be... take it slow. Be forgiving if either of you backslide, but be sure to get back on track right away. Only try intercourse if it feels right. REALLY right. Be honest with yourself and be honest with each other. :)

Mrs. Tornfromabook