‚ô•frustration, no sexual energy. (female, not a porn post)

Submitted by wyoming on
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Hi, I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but the truth is I need help and don't know where to find it...
I think the easiest would be to tell my sexual history to bring you more understanding of my very unconfortable situation.

I have been sexual very young, starting everyday masturbation around 8 and frequent intercourse at 13, and have abused my body with giving it to anyone i thought would bring me love in return, with disastrous consequences in my self esteem and a lot of too speedy, unloving sex all my life.
My only known way of having an orgasm was to masturbate, building up energy in my genital area, going in apnea doing so, until it was big and firy enough to be released in pleasure.
Slowly i also kind of managed to have penetrational orgasms during fast sex (the only one I knew) with men when they were touching me at the same time, but i somehow always knew unconsciously (maybe not that unconsciously) that there was a problem with my sexuality. I did convince myself that I was happy with it though, and a lot of my personnality was based on being very sexual, and i was proud of it.

Then I started to meditate and was repressing all this sexuality that was present in me, repressing sexual needs, sexual images, sexual feelings as being inadequate and pervert, instead of simply letting them be. I stopped having sex altogether for many years, except for the odd libido upsurge and following sex without love that was leaving me unsatisfied and frustrated. I was still masturbating a lot, but even that slowed down eventually.

Then I had a few times very intense sexual pleasure on my own but without touching myself, just out of the blue, in meditative states or dreams, and without letting it be because of a kind of shame, as it had an image of my guru involved in it and I was scared and ashamed in that I thought he could feel what was happening in me. It was in very slow sexual fantasies, they felt much deeper and much more powerful and much better than anything I had ever experienced in real, and it kind of showed me that there was "another kind of pleasure" possible, although it was not part of my "real experience".

Now I have a partner and am very much in love with him, and he also loves me, but since we started being together I haven't been able to have an orgasm in intercourse, and it take a hell of a lot of effort to have one orally, which ends up not being fulfilling because I am looking for this deeper energetic loving way I've experienced in dreams and meditations. He is very soft and tender with me, but doesn't understand what is up with me and I don't either.

Over the months slowly sex became less and less interesting for me, I stopped becoming excited at all, and even though mentally I do want to make love with him somehow my body doesn't respond by making me wet and receptive to his touch. It's like it doesn't go from mind to body.
Now my sexual energy doesn't even build up, I don't feel sexual at all, although when I see him I fantasize on making love slowly and passionately and pleasurable like in my dreams and meditations. But it is not really sexual and more a melting thing. It is like I am now attracted to a non-sexual love making (I know it doesn't make sense), I am not interested in my old kind of orgasms anymore because they make me feel frustrated afterwards of not having felt really connected. I don't understand what is happening to me and how to get out of this, and it feels like I've got a big block somewhere.

He is not interested in trying karezza although he didn't always want to ejaculate and was happy to just stop and "keep it for later", and because sex has always been very natural for him with his past relationships and he's never had this kind of things happening, he finds it very difficult that making love needs to become new learning thing for him and me and the whole thing has become a burden for him as well. Even talking about it brings tension into our couple.
Now we haven't had sex in two weeks although we are still very tender and loving, just not sexual anymore.

I apologize for this long post, I need help because I don't know what to do to become more receptive to his touch and love, I just want a fulfilling sexuality resembling what I've never known "for real" and don't know what to do with myself. I am falling in a kind of depressed state and cry a lot about it all. Very frustrated and sad would be the right words to describe me these days, probably because I can't let go of sexuality still being a main thing for me, as it has been my identity for so long.

Please help ! Anything is welcome, I feel so alone.

Welcome Wyoming

Sorry you're feeling down. Sounds like you've been through an amazing transformation.

Try not to get discouraged about your relationship. It may take time for you two to find a solution that works for both of you. Just stay focused on the goal of contented harmony and let The Giant Hand work out the details. Wink

Have you poked around in the "Karezza Korner"? I think you'd probably find lots of the posts of interest: http://www.reuniting.info/node/7196

This one in particular came to mind: http://www.reuniting.info/node/7954

I'll also ask some of the other couples here to chime in. Meanwhile, start your own blog if you like.

Maybe pray for guidance,

and ask to be shown how to be with your new lover; ask to know what is best for both of you together; try to have God be your lover, as well. See your lover as God in male human form. I can sympathize with the separation feelings you are having, tho you are a step ahead of me in that you have a partner. Is he spiritual too? If so maybe you could have a spiritual practice together, and that could spill over into your sex life.

wyoming

If you are finding it very difficult to have orgasms and you don't want to have the old kind you use to have then you have come to the right place. No one here is even going to suggest you have one.

It sounds like you have some sexual history thats catching up with you and it seems like its time to do some healing around your sexuality. I think its difficult to be a part of our current culture and not end up without some sexual wounding.

So where to start. I know you say its difficult to even talk with your partner about this subject. I know the easier path is to let it lie but I believe that will come back to bite you if you don't find a way to open up and move forward. You need to be able to share what's going on inside and he needs to hear you. Same is probably true the other way around as well. Difficult topics are the ones that create the most growth. I would see if there is some way you can share that keeps it about whats going on inside of you, without blame.

Next I would get Marnia's book "Cupids Poisoned Arrow" as well as Diana Richardson's "Tantric sex for Men" and "Tantric Orgasm for Women" You may find a lot to relate to or just a nugget here and there. All that's needed is something that sparks a "ah ha" moment to get things moving. I find information is the first step in transformation and if you want to heal sexually these books have a lot to offer.

Also, read all you can on this website, start with the "karezza korner" and the link at the top called "wisdom". Keep on posting, start a blog. Do what you can to shake things up and create movement. Even if you don't know what to do start by dialoging here, what you need will come.

Rejoice if you can. You've come to a wonderful community that will support you in you're efforts and help when we can. There's enough information here as well as caring people which I believe can make a real difference as long as there's the will and openness.

Quote: It is like I am now

[quote] It is like I am now attracted to a non-sexual love making (I know it doesn't make sense), I am not interested in my old kind of orgasms anymore because they make me feel frustrated afterwards of not having felt really connected.[/quote]

Actually... this makes perfect sense to all of us! One of my husband and mine's favorite things about Karezza is that it makes sex not feel so "dirty" anymore. Not only because of the sexual healing we went through together while engaging, but also because the act is so much more innocent itself.

I second Darryl's suggestion to start by opening up to your partner. Each little thought you feel you can't share with him becomes a wedge between the two of you during sex. Your sex can only be as close, connected, and satisfying as your relationship is. I'm not saying your feelings of aversion toward sex are because your relationship is lacking... I think your aversion comes from your past and the healing you have to do. But that healing will be much easier and more enjoyable with the help of your partner!

I suggest starting with the bonding behaviors in Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. It feels lovely to re-associate touch with LOVE, rather than the precursor to fast, goal-driven sex.

-Mrs. Tornfromabook

Gotta say,

I never found conventional sex "dirty" in the least. Even when it was messy. Smile But I love the lighthearted harmony that sticks around with the karezza approach. Who needs a neurochemical hangover...however subtle?

When I was with Ms. S&M

she told me our intercourse together and intimacy in general was the first time she didn't feel guilty or ashamed about sex (she's from a judgemental religious background)- she had had encounters with around 30 men over the years. I was *trying* to find an opening for karezza with her, but failed; still, the spirit of my intention was present, and I have to say there is *nothing* impure about karezza, just the opposite, it's holy; not that regular sex isn't, but her brand of it relied on shame-based dopamine surges to work.

You knows?

Maybe the seed you planted will bear fruit later. It's hard to let go of our little orgasm addictions. Biology can be a real slave driver.

thank you thank you thank you !

I'll start by expressing my deepest gratitude to Marnia just with the mere fact that this a space where i could express as clearly and accurately as possible without fear of judgement, and just writing the post a few days ago has taken a whole big load off my heart.
And guess what, that very night, "without any reason", my partner just came and initiated a very soft tender caring love-making, doing his best to make me feel like making love, and making sure he was preparing my body beforehand...and again the next day, which explains why I haven't come back before to write here.
Maybe he's just taking time to understand how important it is for me, and seeing me so down lately finally got to him.

Also i thank you everyone for your good heartful comments, some of them even brought tears to my eyes with the relief and soothing feeling of being heard and understood.

Thank you Marnia for the nodes, I actually had wrote after reading them, and yes, they definitly were really helpful.
Thank you Rachel for the interview, and Telepathy for the praying advice, i think my writing here acted as a deep one.
Thank you so much Darryl for being an understanding man ! i do communicate with my partner but he doesn't quite understand what i'm talking about, how my sexual history has damaged me etc. and although i always speak about what i feel and never blame him, he can't help having a feeling he's responsible somehow, and feels inadequate and has a kind of attack reaction to protect himself instead of helping me. He's suffered a lot because of my no-orgasm sex knowing that before I was having them. And all my efforts telling him that if I can't solve this problem with him I won't be able to solve it ever as well as the fact that i'm not telling him it's his fault but rather that he might be able to help me were useless, till two days ago.
I think the only thing that could help me would be a lot of patience and softness, from myself within, and from him also, so that I can slowly open to the subtlety of love-making rather than running to that built up orgasm which i know is nothing more than a quick relief followed by frustration. But old habits die hard, especially knowing that all my partner wants is to see me having an orgasm. what a pressure !

I have read Marnia's book, and a lot of the karezza and wisdom posts and texts, and will definitely go on with the readings.
My partner doesn't want to learn in books what to do, doesn't want to change even though I tell him I'm a different woman, and doesn't want to loose his freshness by trying new techniques when it comes to making love, so i'll be alone in my quest, and won't be able to practice the bonding behaviours unless i bring them on without telling him. Mind you, we do cuddle a lot a hug and kiss, and it mainly doesn't lead to sex as neither of us feels like it, so it could kind of count as karezza i suppose.

Tornfromabook, I don't think i've ever felt sex as being "dirty", but maybe "dirty" is only another way of saying that the openness and vulnerability it brings feels "dangerous"? But isn't this because of our society with its christian culture ?
Years ago I have read (in "My Mother, My Self") that if your parents feel a guilt or shame around their sexuality (even very unconsciously), and even though they might talk openly about it and not know their repressed feeling, and pretend to be very free about it all, still as a kid you've inprinted all this in your cells, and you need a work at the deeper level to clean this out. This could very well be my case, from my parents to me, maybe I didn't know how I was really feeling about my man-eating ways.
What I was meaning was that the images I was having in my "dream and/or meditation sex" were shameful for me and felt inappropriate because of involving my guru whom I was not supposed to include in that realm of my life, although his very involvement might even be his way or life's way of helping me out.

What I think could have happened to me is that because of this abusing my body and giving it so much against no love, just for sex, made me ashamed of myself on an unconscious level, and with the years of near-celibacy and spiritual quest this came up to being played out in my life, and now i seem to just be closed and blocked because of all the unconscious suffering i've had deep in my cells. Opening too much and being too vulnerable, and too strong to notice the pain, and now being closed in order to not suffer anymore. I wish my body now knew how to recognize that this man is different. And that I am safe with him.

Thanks again...

hmm

Have u been abstaining from masturbation? have u been eating and sleeping properly ?? there are many factors that come into play when 1 is lost with sexual energy! try different living techniques and see what you may be missing. This whole journey takes time.. and we all will get there if we develop mass patience..