nothing changes if nothing changes

Submitted by looking4balance on
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I had a major setback over the weekend and am really starting to question my commitment to really changing in regards to the misuse of my sexuality. I don't want to laden it too much with guilt since i know that is useless, but I can't help feeling so let down that I the decisions I made were ones of least resistance and not beneficial to longer-term goals.

There are certain situations that I get into that can lead to bad decision making for me. Some I cause and some just arise, although the chosen response/action is always my responsibility. For example, I was on a fourth date with a girl I was really staring to like, and after some talking more deeply about each other's past experiences and likes/preferences, she confessed that she thought we might now work out so well if we tried to become a couple in the future. Even though this is a reasonable, clear statement and a healthy and balanced individual might think in response, "well, this is disappointing, but sometimes things don't go as we want..I am sure I can find someone who is a good match sometime soon", that is not the reaction/thought that came to mind. Always having been over-sensitive to any real or perceived rejection, I became sullen and withdrawn and from that point on, starting feeling bitter and drinking more heavily. I ended up walking home,alone, feeling sorry for myself, and silently cursing all the guys I saw walking arm in arm with nice looking girls. I felt entitled but cheated, and thus angry. It was a ridiculous response to the situation, and adolescent at best.

First of all, I need to be aware that (a) drinking, in general and especially at a time like that, could lead to behaviors and thoughts that are not in my best interest nor appropriate in proportion to the situation, and that (b) the next few days could be vulnerable ones for me, where I might be looking for my usual ways (sexual) to prop up self-esteem and get some validation from someone. In hindsight, all this knowledge is great. However what I did was to go out with another girl the very next night and ended up drinking (again) and she ended up sleeping over. Some sexual things happened, but not intercourse since i was ashamed/worried about how fast I might come (I became hyper-aroused very quickly). This fear always comes up with a new person. I think i trained by body to come fast from masturbating with porn so many years in a "gotta hurry, someone might walk in" mode. So, i ended up taking care of 'it' myself later in the bathroom. The next morning we talked about it and I told her that I wanted to just remain friends with her (as we had been to that point). We will see if the friendship can be saved.

The next day, feeling down (probably from drinking, mis-using my sexuality, and I am sure a low dopamine state), I got an unexpected email for a free credit for website that shows online porn movies. I had not viewed porn in about a month. When I saw this email, my heart raced and adrenaline surged. I chose not to think about it or just sit with the feeling. Instead I impulsively went to the site and quickly masturbated to a movie. For those of you playing at home, how did you think I felt after? And so, the cycle of lows and highs continues...

I know that I wont be able to experience balanced brain chemistry until i can get over the 2 week period of no orgasm and obviously the longer term goal of being free from addiciton.

[To note, I am writing this just for the sole purpose of getting it out of my head and on to 'paper' where I can think more clearly about what happened. I know the main thrust of this site (no pun) is about higher plane sexuality and energies, so some of my posts must appear rather off topic sometimes. I am sorry about that and do want to thank the moderators for the indulgence]

Thanks everyone!

Comments

It's definitely not off topic

It's the same elephant ("Why doesn't biology's plan consistently lead to peace of mind and well-being?"); you're just feeling up a different part. Wink

Sorry you're discouraged. Did you ever happen to read a book by Marianne Williamson, "Return to Love?" In it she talks about how she finally, after much soul-searching, decided to put her faith in God. She says something like, "I figured that in appreciation, God would sort of show up and re-decorate my life. Instead God got out the wrecking ball and knocked everything down. The message was, 'Sorry, Honey, there were cracks in the foundation.'"

I guess you must be feeling the same way. Here you are, finally making a sincere effort to reach for a healthy relationship, and you get snubbed. It seems unfair, I'm sure.

This may be a bad time to tell you this :-), but when I first turned my love life over to the Divine (expecting that God would have Mr. Right gallop right up on his white horse, and pronto too), what I got instead was a year of celibacy. Grrrr.... I remember throwing candles at the wall of my house (I'm a rather *fiery* goddess), shouting something along the lines of, "I don't think you heard me! I want my right partner!"

But the fact was, I didn't know then any of the insights I've learned about sacred sex, or sex's effects on the brain and relationships, so really, the kindest thing the Divine could do was "take the knife out of my hands" for a while. Otherwise, I was just going to make myself more and more discouraged. You see, I still thought the issue was "who," when it was really "how."

So anyway, during that peculiar year I did a lot of spiritual reading in between the demands of my new career post as a corporate lawyer in Europe. And by the time I was popped back into the relationship fray, I was in a much stronger place, with a much larger perspective. I was starting to ask some of the right questions about the Big Picture, at last.

Now, thanks to this site, you have a jump start.:-) However, you may have a bit of inner house cleaning to do. Or knowledge to gain about YOUR contribution. Or whatever.

I guess this is a long way of saying, get on with it. Just keep asking what insights you need. Start with your hurt feelings, and ask, "How do I heal my perception of this situation?" Keep asking and you will be surprised at the insights that flow through. An oracle can speed the process, but you can do just fine by journaling yourself. Just pretend you're asking your favorite spiritual authority, and then write down an answer to your question. It's fine if you make it up. You may be surprised when you read it back later. If something keeps hurting, ask again another day. Often there are layers of insights as part of the healing, and all are interesting to learn because it's yourSELF you're learning about.

My point is, put your attention on the Quest, and then your upset feelings become part of the solution...because each one shows you another area where you could use a new way of looking at things.

thanks Marnia. i knew you

thanks Marnia. i knew you would have some wisdom for me. :)
Yes, take the knife out of my hands might not be a bad idea for a while. Although I dont believe in God per se, the idea of letting go of forcing outcomes appeals to the side of me that wants to be more humble and not control the universe (what you mean I CANT??)

I also think process not goal is a wise method in general, so right on. I will keep asking the questions and look for the insights. Until my glasses are clean, i cant see sh-t anyway, so...

thanks:)

keep exercising!

I just learned today in anatomy and physiology class that one of the key factors in depression is poorly oxygenated blood. No wonder many of my friends who spend a lot of time hunched in front of the computer are depressed! They're not oxygenating their system. You had mentioned that you have tried running and exercise to confront depression. I hope you're keeping this up! The oxygenation or aeration happens on more levels than just the blood. That's probably another reason why sex is so fun, it get's the blood moving.

My AP professor (who is also a naturopath) said she always prescribes exercise and time in nature for people with depression, particularly exercise that is very strenuous, like hiking straight uphill, because endurance sports require willpower, which is one thing that many depressed people lack - the willpower to make a change. It seems to me like you are developing a stronger willpower. Also, you didn't give yourself any credit for the sucesses you HAVE had - choosing not to have sex with someone that wasn't right at the moment (even if the real reason was fear based), and staying away form porn for a whole month. Those are both good accomplishments I think, so keep up the good work!

Hey thanks for that

Hey thanks for that Hotstuff, er..I mean Hotspring! (feeling childish today). That's an interesting view of exerise and depression. I guess SO many thing are happening at once (oxygen raising in blood, dopamine climbing, endorphins created..) it might be hard to nail it down to one factor. I know speaking as someone who spends ALL day sitting in front of a computer not moving, I often wonder if that's a factor in my depression at times. Some people also tout that one of the main benefits on yoga's focus on breath is the benefit of energy changing in the body, organs being supplied nutrients, waste removed, metabolism enhanced...is this why people feel so good after yoga? hmm..

You are also right about seeing the glass half full..focusing on the negative won't help here and isn't reality anyway since there were some positive things i have done. thanks for reminding me of that!!
:)