I had a major setback over the weekend and am really starting to question my commitment to really changing in regards to the misuse of my sexuality. I don't want to laden it too much with guilt since i know that is useless, but I can't help feeling so let down that I the decisions I made were ones of least resistance and not beneficial to longer-term goals.
There are certain situations that I get into that can lead to bad decision making for me. Some I cause and some just arise, although the chosen response/action is always my responsibility. For example, I was on a fourth date with a girl I was really staring to like, and after some talking more deeply about each other's past experiences and likes/preferences, she confessed that she thought we might now work out so well if we tried to become a couple in the future. Even though this is a reasonable, clear statement and a healthy and balanced individual might think in response, "well, this is disappointing, but sometimes things don't go as we want..I am sure I can find someone who is a good match sometime soon", that is not the reaction/thought that came to mind. Always having been over-sensitive to any real or perceived rejection, I became sullen and withdrawn and from that point on, starting feeling bitter and drinking more heavily. I ended up walking home,alone, feeling sorry for myself, and silently cursing all the guys I saw walking arm in arm with nice looking girls. I felt entitled but cheated, and thus angry. It was a ridiculous response to the situation, and adolescent at best.
First of all, I need to be aware that (a) drinking, in general and especially at a time like that, could lead to behaviors and thoughts that are not in my best interest nor appropriate in proportion to the situation, and that (b) the next few days could be vulnerable ones for me, where I might be looking for my usual ways (sexual) to prop up self-esteem and get some validation from someone. In hindsight, all this knowledge is great. However what I did was to go out with another girl the very next night and ended up drinking (again) and she ended up sleeping over. Some sexual things happened, but not intercourse since i was ashamed/worried about how fast I might come (I became hyper-aroused very quickly). This fear always comes up with a new person. I think i trained by body to come fast from masturbating with porn so many years in a "gotta hurry, someone might walk in" mode. So, i ended up taking care of 'it' myself later in the bathroom. The next morning we talked about it and I told her that I wanted to just remain friends with her (as we had been to that point). We will see if the friendship can be saved.
The next day, feeling down (probably from drinking, mis-using my sexuality, and I am sure a low dopamine state), I got an unexpected email for a free credit for website that shows online porn movies. I had not viewed porn in about a month. When I saw this email, my heart raced and adrenaline surged. I chose not to think about it or just sit with the feeling. Instead I impulsively went to the site and quickly masturbated to a movie. For those of you playing at home, how did you think I felt after? And so, the cycle of lows and highs continues...
I know that I wont be able to experience balanced brain chemistry until i can get over the 2 week period of no orgasm and obviously the longer term goal of being free from addiciton.
[To note, I am writing this just for the sole purpose of getting it out of my head and on to 'paper' where I can think more clearly about what happened. I know the main thrust of this site (no pun) is about higher plane sexuality and energies, so some of my posts must appear rather off topic sometimes. I am sorry about that and do want to thank the moderators for the indulgence]