Today is Day 81. It is a Friday Night and I am home alone as I currently type up this post. Pretty pathetic right? Boring for sure. 82 days ago I would probably be sitting on the couch looking at P. But not today, I'm actually doing something semi-productive. Worked an 8 hour shift, ran 3 miles at the gym, went for a swim, visited my grandma and my little cousin, washed my truck, did 4 loads of laundry, went for a 2nd run around the block, did grocery shopping, got a haircut and now I sit here adding to my Reuniting blog while doing some homework. Like I said before, Boring.
Very little has changed since my last post. I did however M and O without P (of course) about 6-7 days ago for the 1st and only time during this 81 day stint of soberness. To my surprise, I actually had little to no chaser effect. My initial thought as I was in the middle of an orgasm was " NOOOOOOOooooooooo whyyyyyyyy did i do that?". Then I remembered reading that the brains PMO neuropathways strengthen when the feeling is associated with guilt, so I immediately tried to calm myself down with an "oh well its not the end of the world" thought. Which then led to a " Well shoot, I fucked up so I may as well MO again and get it out of my system(hornyness)". I then proceeded to passout before giving myself that chance. I'd like to note the only reason I even let it go that far was because I was buzzed from a few beers. Anyways, 6-7 days pass and I notice little to no difference at all since the M O. My energy levels, anxiety lvls, confidence, morning erections all seem to be exactly the same if not better. Its a little premature to say but I guess a little masturbation is OK this far into my recovery as long as I don't look at porn, don't do it often, and don't let it escalate back into porn use. I would also like to add that I did fantasize a little bit, not to any porn-stars like I would have 82 days ago... but of woman from my school. Which is probably not a good thing, but I doubt it has the same stimulating effect, dopamine release that porn has on me.
With that being said, I do regret M and O'ing recently but it is time to look forward. Day 365 here I come!