if nothing else, I commit to honesty here in my blog and to whoever is bored enough to read it :)
I know that addiction is mostly a chemically-imbalanced situation in my (tini-tiny) brain and i know its a very, very hard cycle to stop (via all the info on this great site). I wonder on some level though, how imperative it is to WANT AND FEEL you deserve happiness in general. I don't think hating yourself and wanting to do yourself harm is an aid in ending harmful addictions right? I don't mean the hating yourself AFTER the behavior, like guilt etc. I mean the hating as the CAUSE of the behavior. I just wonder. Despite all clear signs from the Universe that it didn't want me to harm myself, I was determined to cause myself pain. There were moments long enough to consider what I was doing and clearly had a choice in the matter. The internet connection kept dropping out as I was trying to access a porn site (sign) and it worked fine before that. There was so much cognition of what I was doing and that's what I truly find worrysome this morning. I had a binge on porn and masturbation until 3 am in the morning. there, i said it. I knew it would made me feel like crap for a long time after and it was against everything I am trying to do. All I can do now is just, without self-castigation, watch cause and effect work its mojo. WHY DO I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH to keep doing this? Am I really that bad of a person? Why do others deserve to be happy and sucessful and deep down I feel I don't deserve those things and keep sabotaging?
BIG sigh..i don't see any way to end this cycle without developing a feeling of compassion and value for my well-being. That must be the foundation I think. So how do we do that? With kitchy self-affirmations that i don't believe? I do think the answer for me is zazen and even though i did that last night, I still sat this morning and will keep sitting. I've read that in zen, there is no concept of sin, just going towards or away from ignornance. I don't want to put any expectations on sitting practice since goals are not what its about, but I do hope that in the midst of starting at those blank walls with my cramped legs for many hours, at some point, a spark of seeing that I am worthy of love and happiness just as I am, as is everyone and everything else in the universe, arises. And I don't want to just know this, I hope to FEEL it. Unless that happens somehow, I dont see how ending self-destruction is possible.
K, will keep at it..
peace (no zingers today, sorry)