♥ 70

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Submitted by Jesse on
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I’ll turn 70 at the end of the month and life is good. The whole family is coming out to a little watering hole in West Texas to celebrate. Still healthy – none of the major killers/robbers-of-quality-of-life have showed up. I’m still able to go out for a good long run or a bike ride or a yoga session nearly every morning. Still wake up with a woody nearly every day – and no steeeking Viagra, thank you. Still married after 40+ years with wonderful kids and a grandchild.

“Reuniting” has been a shining star in my life. Discovered mid-2010, it changed my life in many important ways. Marnia and Gary: I love the work you are doing. I believe in it and I believe I have tried to practice it in our marriage to the best of my ability. However, at this point, I have concluded it is not going to work for us – at least not in the full meaning of the concept. It takes two to karezza and she just is not interested. But it has had a positive effect on me and to a lesser extent, on our relationship. I no longer “need” porn. I no longer “need” to have an orgasm. I have progressed a lot in practicing unconditional giving. The only aspect of karezza that is left in our relationship is the bonding, and that is essentially one-way – me pleasuring her.

My wife’s physical condition continues to deteriorate – mostly mobility issues. She is not even fighting it in any meaningful way. She seems very content to let me take over more of her care and household duties. And her getting a good back rub or foot massage at the end of every day fits in nicely with that mindset.

I wish I could say that giving without expectation is fully developed in me. But, it comes with a certain about of anger, regret, bitterness, and resentment. It all gets suppressed – not good. She seems not to notice my resentment – but that would be out of character. Women notice everything. I think she chooses to ignore it – pretend it doesn’t exist. Everything has to be all right – that’s how it was meant to be. If I express my discontentment, it ends up in tears for her and blame thrown back at me – I don’t seem to be able to find the right words to express myself. So, rather than ugly scenes that follow the same pattern every time, all gets glossed over.

I recently read a book by Eva-Maria Zurhorst (reminds me of Juliette Binoche), who I found in her interview of Diana Richardson – see http://www.reuniting.info/interview_of_diana_richardson. “Love Yourself And It Doesn’t Matter Who You Marry” – the title says it all. It has helped me to be conscious of my need for deep healing and to accept myself, despite my failings. It also emphasizes communicating with your partner (unfortunately, this doesn’t work well for us), forgiveness (an ongoing process) and belief in a loving, divine presence.

Life is good – very good.

Blessing to all,
Jesse

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Love Yourself ...

I had seen that review, but I got the book and read it anyway, largely because of what came thru to me about Ms. Zurhorst in her interview with Diana R. I guess a lot depends on where you're coming from. Anyone who has read my posts can easily tell that I am not good at this relationship stuff. For someone who is skilled at understanding others and themselves, it may seem pretty simplistic. But I felt like she was talking directly to me in many of the passages. And the book does not have an eye-popping ending that ties it all together. For me, the journey was meaningful, not necessarily the destination.

Sometimes there need to be

Sometimes there need to be multiple books that say similar things because different words resonate with different readers.

How useful do you think this book would be for single folks? Generally, there seems too much of divide in relationships books between those for married people and those for singles. People don't change when pen meets paper of the marriage license.

You

Jesse, I just wanted to say how much I admire you for sticking with your wife...many men would have left long ago.

But that doesn't mean I don't understand how hard it must be for you and how painful it is to not be loved in the way you desire to be loved. Sad

I truly believe that *both* people in the relationship have to want to come together and make true love and therefore, all the one-sided giving of touch in the world cannot change a person into wanting something they have convinced themselves they don't want nor need (so please don't beat yourself up because your efforts to rekindle love haven't worked~~I don't think they will ever work unless it's a team effort~~there is no magic panacea). It may be that your wife has written a script for the two of you that doesn't allow for passion because in her mind, it is not a necessary part of life.

It sounds like you have discovered your spiritual side and that is what gets you through daily life and for that, you should be so grateful. It's really all any of us has, whether we share it with a lover or not~

Rachel

~A heart that is open to appreciate every blessing should always be bigger than the eyes that see what is missing. ~Rumi

Jesse,

I am glad that you see so much good in your life--not needing porn, good health, children, a grandchild, and still learning and growing. Eager to continue learning and growing, too, it seems.

I know the heartache of the sense of separation that you also describe. In the next year, may you find an individual way, method, or practice to heal this heartache, too.

I have to echo, Marnia, "You're beautiful, Jesse."

"Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson