I’ll turn 70 at the end of the month and life is good. The whole family is coming out to a little watering hole in West Texas to celebrate. Still healthy – none of the major killers/robbers-of-quality-of-life have showed up. I’m still able to go out for a good long run or a bike ride or a yoga session nearly every morning. Still wake up with a woody nearly every day – and no steeeking Viagra, thank you. Still married after 40+ years with wonderful kids and a grandchild.
“Reuniting” has been a shining star in my life. Discovered mid-2010, it changed my life in many important ways. Marnia and Gary: I love the work you are doing. I believe in it and I believe I have tried to practice it in our marriage to the best of my ability. However, at this point, I have concluded it is not going to work for us – at least not in the full meaning of the concept. It takes two to karezza and she just is not interested. But it has had a positive effect on me and to a lesser extent, on our relationship. I no longer “need” porn. I no longer “need” to have an orgasm. I have progressed a lot in practicing unconditional giving. The only aspect of karezza that is left in our relationship is the bonding, and that is essentially one-way – me pleasuring her.
My wife’s physical condition continues to deteriorate – mostly mobility issues. She is not even fighting it in any meaningful way. She seems very content to let me take over more of her care and household duties. And her getting a good back rub or foot massage at the end of every day fits in nicely with that mindset.
I wish I could say that giving without expectation is fully developed in me. But, it comes with a certain about of anger, regret, bitterness, and resentment. It all gets suppressed – not good. She seems not to notice my resentment – but that would be out of character. Women notice everything. I think she chooses to ignore it – pretend it doesn’t exist. Everything has to be all right – that’s how it was meant to be. If I express my discontentment, it ends up in tears for her and blame thrown back at me – I don’t seem to be able to find the right words to express myself. So, rather than ugly scenes that follow the same pattern every time, all gets glossed over.
I recently read a book by Eva-Maria Zurhorst (reminds me of Juliette Binoche), who I found in her interview of Diana Richardson – see http://www.reuniting.info/interview_of_diana_richardson. “Love Yourself And It Doesn’t Matter Who You Marry” – the title says it all. It has helped me to be conscious of my need for deep healing and to accept myself, despite my failings. It also emphasizes communicating with your partner (unfortunately, this doesn’t work well for us), forgiveness (an ongoing process) and belief in a loving, divine presence.
Life is good – very good.
Blessing to all,