Still riding the coaster. Quiting an addiction seems to be the hardest thing in the world and yet the easiest in another sense. I encourage the younger male members of the site to really listen to the stories here of men and look at and he results of years and years of addictive behavior. Beware it's effects on the mind and the impediment for general peace and happiness that can result. Not from a standpoint of sin, or any such nonsense, but from the scientific point of ruining your brain, and the spiritual one of distancing your from your Spirit, your humanity.
I wonder if having seen thousands and literally thousands of pornographic images that my brain is beyond repair. I remember reading somewhere that those images are permanently burned into the mind since the conditions in which they were viewed were so intense (chemically) and almost like PTSD. I can only imagine having blazed those neuropathways for 30 years that it's must be a rather deep groove I have worn. I can only wonder realistically if the damage is beyond repair.
Also, again I wonder how one can overcome this affliction without a benevolent attitude towards oneself. Even sitting and doing a healing visualization requires the intention of self care. In the last addictive episode, I can clearly remember certain points where I could stop if I wanted to. In fact, I wasn't even clearly in the mood. I just remember a feeling of self-hatred and that abusing myself seemed appropriate. Whoa, what the hell is that? That's the part that sucks the most, since with that attitude, I don't think there is any hope. I am really proud of some of the members here that are doing it, they are really giving 100% effort it sounds and that's great.
The worst effect of being hooked on porn for so many years, to me, is clearly what it has done to the way I view women. I don't know if I have EVER viewed women correctly since I started this when I was so young. It's the context of most porn and the underLYING message clearly being "women are here for our selfish enjoyment", "most women are Ok with being used in a purely sexual way with no love", things like that, not to mention the hyper-attention we develop for body parts. It really sickens me and I want this gone from my brain, cut out, surgically removed forever. I want a new brain...
Sorry such a doom and gloom post but today, but I am not writing to entertain, but rather get my feelings and thoughts out of head so I can look at them perhaps with some clarity and from a different perspective. Thoughts and comments as always are welcome.