mind and heart together

Submitted by looking4balance on
Printer-friendly version

I am noticing when I add compassion (heart) to aid in the struggle in quiting porn and ceasing to use women for sexual pleasure only (or dopamine hits or self esteem boost, or whatever) its of great benefit. Compassion mostly for the person who I am about the objectify, the person who I know wants more than just sex, but might do it in hopes of it becoming more when I know there is no relationship wanted on my end. I don't intentionally want to hurt these women and i guess as long as I got a 'green light', i went for it never thinking deeper about why this person might be choosing to have sex with me or what their hopes or expectations might be.

This compassion can extend to the women who appear in porn. All the time buying into the fantasy that there ARE women who are nymphos like this who will have sex with anyone at the drop of a hat and love doing anything the guy wants and gladly being controlled. Never thinking what the reality is, whenthey go home after the shoot, how they must have lost friends, family, self respect, or have many problems in their life (drugs, abuse) to be in this kind of work. These are people's daughters and sisters. Let's face it, healthy, happy individuals dont get into making porn. Its a desperate thing to do I believe.

Compassion can be extended back to oneself, the porn user. Knowing fully that using porn or using women just for sex doesn't make my life more whole or enriched, but keeps me in a cycle of despair, why do I choose that for myself? Why reduce myself to nothing more than a sexual purpose in a way that is animal at best? Why am I bent on hurting myself?

I think when heart and rational mind can work together, this addiction can be transcended. I dont want to discount the importance of rationally looking at the porn problem as well (waste of time, money, physical energy..)

A quick thought about desire here: my main point being that constantly reaching for something outside of myself in excess, no matter what it is (sex, food, material luxuries) as a condition for my happiness isn't a sin or bad, its not reality-based since it never, never, ever satisfies. Over-active desire just breeds more desire, plain and simple. I am trying to apply this idea of 'small desire' to the persistent problem of staring at skimpily dressed attractive women. The problem isn't in noticing an attractive or sexy women (that's just bein' a man, guys), its how much you can keep desire in check. When my mind if greedy and grabbing for desires everywhere, this will be a painful experience since I want MORE than a look, I want to do x and y and blah blah blah. But with a small desire, I can look at think, "Wow, this person chose to share her beauty with everyone, and if all i get is a peek, then that's fine. I could be grateful for just that!". Seems to help I am finding...

That ISN'T to say that desire is bad, just over-desire. I think that goes along with the methods described on this site. Trying to eliminate all desire is just as bad as too much and isn't realistic anyway. What I am trying to say is the problem IS NOT the girl in the mini-skirt NOR the noticing her and feeling stimulated. It's how far you take it after that. Just my 2 yen...

Peace,

Comments

You ask: "why do I choose

You ask: "why do I choose that for myself? Why reduce myself to nothing more than a sexual purpose in a way that is animal at best? Why am I bent on hurting myself?"

I have been studying the neorochemistry of touch in school, and it is totally clear that touch is absolutely essential for physical, emotional, and mental development. Children raised without touch literally turn into sociopaths. I suggest that at least one reason (maybe not the primary reason) that you reduce yourself to nothing more than a sexual purpose is because you are a human being and human beings desperately need to be touched. The problem is, our culture is so truncated from the body and at the same time sexualizes almost all physical contact unnecessarily. So, people with such training will seek to get physical contact in the only way they have been shown how -through sex. Their brains drive them because their whole system knows it needs touch just to function and grow.

Touch is a basic human need. More and more, we are interacting with machines and not humans. If we were to learn to be more affectionate with one another in ways that are not sexual, we would probably be more selective with who we wanted to have sex with, and would be less addicted to porn. Actually, I shouldn't speak hypothetically here. I attribute much of my ability to remain single right now despite greatly missing having sex to the fact that I am getting touched in a loving way by a variety of people a few times a week as we exchange massages for our homework assignments.

You say that you are trying to apply the concept of 'small desire' to your life, but I myself wonder what the deeper, bigger desires are within you that you suffocate and stifle with porn and casual sex.

You mentioned that you were afraid to do the exchanges because you were afraid of falling in love. In my experience, I usually fear that which I desire most. And I fear it because I fear being fully in my power, able to manifest and nurture what I want. For example, I am very afraid of committing to a man and having a family, being dependent on him for food and shelter, especially since I know I am skilled enough and intelligent enough to make money myself. But were I to have a child with a man, I would be completely dependent on him for at least a few years. This terrifies me - mostly because I fear not being able to find a man who would actually know how to TAKE CARE of his family. I am afraid to give in fully to the essence of my womanhood because I do not trust that men really know how to care for another human being. I hate that I have this mistrust and disbelief. When I look at my life to see where I have gotten these vies, I see no reason for this distrust. I suspect it comes from negative experiences with men in a previous lifetime.

The point being that we often fear most that which we most desire, and I would like to know if you have desires that you may not be seeing.

Nice perspective

I liked the perspective you shared there:

[quote]These are people's daughters and sisters. Let's face it, healthy, happy individuals dont get into making porn. Its a desperate thing to do I believe.[/quote]

[quote]What I am trying to say is the problem IS NOT the girl in the mini-skirt NOR the noticing her and feeling stimulated. It's how far you take it after that.[/quote]

Yes, I agree. There are people who get amputation done -- I think that's foolish. It's all in how you control your mind.

The power of compassion

I'm on the run, but I was most struck by your observation that compassion increases self-control. How true. Gary and I think that selflessness increases oxytocin (and oxytocin has been shown to reduce addiction and withdrawal symptoms in rats). We suspect that that's why it eases sexual frustration.

It was only after I realized that passionate sex was hurting my partner that I truly found the strength to be consistent in my sex life. The fun of being seductive (programmed into us, just like the urge to merge is in you guys) was very powerful and easy to compromise...until I recognized the huge conflict between loving someone and making love in a way that I was beginning to figure out was reckless and harmful to those I loved (never mind what the mainstream thinks).

Then my desire to be a healing force kicked in. Sounds like you're getting there too. Maybe it IS only when we channel this struggle through the heart that we can truly find a comfortable way out.