I am a 21 year old male.
Been struggling with thoughts that I might be gay for about 3 months.
It was triggered by porn. I have watched porn since a very young age (around 13-14). At first it was just images of women with few clothes on, but since the age of about 17 it has been hardcore internet porn, sometimes (often) several times PMO in the space of an hour. I remember being intrigued by transexual/hermaphrodite porn at some point in the past, but it caused no distress at the time and passed as suddenly as it arrived (now of course its just one of the may things my brain uses as ammunition).
However the anxiety started 3 months ago when I was watching a video and got that familiar rush at the base of my stomach, and got an erection instantly, but rather than it being for the woman as usual, it was the reveal of the mans penis that caused this. It also occurred to me that it had been some time since i had felt that rush of adrenalin that I used to get just looking at a woman in the street. Since then I have been unable to become aroused by any female images (I can get an erection, but not the 'rush' that compels me to M).
So now I constantly feel the need to keep checking, "Do I like this?" "What about this?". I got into a cycle of using porn to prove that I wasn't gay by using any available moment to PMO to women, sometimes even in the same room as my girlfriend while she slept! (This behaviour really upsets me but I find I cant help it). This offered comfort for about 10 minutes before the doubt would yet again kick in. Temporary relief also comes from reading accounts of other Escalation/HOCD sufferers as I often come across accounts which sound exactly like my situation
Another thing that really concerns and distresses me, is when I have sex, I end up just thinking of the porn in my head.
During my more reasonable times, this list describes the reasons I think I am not gay:
- Those feelings I described for certain parts of the male anatomy is what I used to feel just looking at women (Not even just porn).
- I have been brought up around gay people, and currently have gay friends. So I would have no reason to fear, or deny my homosexuality if it were my true feelings
- I have a Girlfriend, who I feel Love for, and we have successful intercourse on a regular basis (a few times a week)
At other times all the above goes out the window, I just become filled with dread and anxiety
Is there any chance this is indeed HOCD caused by porn, or am I gay?
Thanks for taking the time to read, and for your opinions