Escalation? I need an opinion

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I am a 21 year old male.

Been struggling with thoughts that I might be gay for about 3 months.

It was triggered by porn. I have watched porn since a very young age (around 13-14). At first it was just images of women with few clothes on, but since the age of about 17 it has been hardcore internet porn, sometimes (often) several times PMO in the space of an hour. I remember being intrigued by transexual/hermaphrodite porn at some point in the past, but it caused no distress at the time and passed as suddenly as it arrived (now of course its just one of the may things my brain uses as ammunition).

However the anxiety started 3 months ago when I was watching a video and got that familiar rush at the base of my stomach, and got an erection instantly, but rather than it being for the woman as usual, it was the reveal of the mans penis that caused this. It also occurred to me that it had been some time since i had felt that rush of adrenalin that I used to get just looking at a woman in the street. Since then I have been unable to become aroused by any female images (I can get an erection, but not the 'rush' that compels me to M).

So now I constantly feel the need to keep checking, "Do I like this?" "What about this?". I got into a cycle of using porn to prove that I wasn't gay by using any available moment to PMO to women, sometimes even in the same room as my girlfriend while she slept! (This behaviour really upsets me but I find I cant help it). This offered comfort for about 10 minutes before the doubt would yet again kick in. Temporary relief also comes from reading accounts of other Escalation/HOCD sufferers as I often come across accounts which sound exactly like my situation

Another thing that really concerns and distresses me, is when I have sex, I end up just thinking of the porn in my head.

During my more reasonable times, this list describes the reasons I think I am not gay:

- Those feelings I described for certain parts of the male anatomy is what I used to feel just looking at women (Not even just porn).

- I have been brought up around gay people, and currently have gay friends. So I would have no reason to fear, or deny my homosexuality if it were my true feelings

- I have a Girlfriend, who I feel Love for, and we have successful intercourse on a regular basis (a few times a week)

At other times all the above goes out the window, I just become filled with dread and anxiety

Is there any chance this is indeed HOCD caused by porn, or am I gay?

Thanks for taking the time to read, and for your opinions

Do you like men as a whole?

Do you like men as a whole? Do you check them out on the street? If you see a man as whole to be attractive & ideally, if you didn't feel bad about it would want a sexual relationship with him, then you're probably at least bi.

For me, this isn't the case. I don't think about men in that way at all. Doing anything sexual with my friends disgusts me. But ... I can appreciate a tranny with a nice dick. I can masturbate to tranny porn, provided they are otherwise feminine.

I consider myself completely straight. As strange as it sounds I don't necessarily think being turned on when a penis around is gay. I like watching a dick split open a pussy, & I don't mind seeing a feminine person with a dick. If this sounds more like you, then I would say no, you probably aren't gay/bi.

I don't think it's healthy or nessecary to box yourself into categories anyway. What turns you on turns you on, who cares. If you like the idea of dick get your woman to wear a strap on & see where it goes from there.

I have tried to imagine

I have tried to imagine myself in a relationship with a man as a result of this anxiety, in an attempt to find an answer.

It's certainly not something I have ever desired in the past, and the sexual feelings are something that didn't even exist a few months ago. When I think of the time I spend with my girlfriend, not even doing anything in particular, just being together, that warm safe feeling. I can't imagine having that with a man, but then my mind is suddenly telling me that its because I've never tried and there comes the self doubt and anxiety once again.

I just want it to be like it was before.

I'm trying to be proactive though. I've set out to cut out all PMO (Going to be difficult, my partner is sure to notice sooner or later that we aren't having sex) with the hope that my desires will return to their previous state... Where i felt much more comfortable.

Hey player,

sorry to see you stressed about this. Straight off the bat, I'm sensing escalation.

You gotsta read>>>>

And if you REALLY want to get it, peep the series of videos:

I'm on Day 36 of Rebooting. I used to dabble in trans/gay porn amidst my hours of straight porn (which in turn includes tons of male anatomy, mind you). I DID have a few "OMG am I turning BI-SENSUAL?!" moments. Seemed like classic escalation, too.

The bigger concern to me, for you, is:
[quote]when I have sex, I end up just thinking of the porn in my head.[/quote]
There's nothing wrong with being gay, but there IS something going afoul if you gotta fantasize during real sex, am I right?!

A Reboot/Rewire could probably solve that, AND could give you a better idea if you're gay. Like, if you're off PMO for a few months, check in on where you're at with gayness.

Thanks for your reply.

Thanks for your reply.

I have watched the video series a few days ago and they helped a lot as they seemed to describe my feelings exactly.

As for the fantasy during sex, it certainly isn't welcome fantasy, and it isn't what makes me aroused in the first place. I often become spontaneously erect just by being with my partner, the recollection of porn comes as a result of the act. I wonder if it is more to do with the compulsive checking, as i recall thinking, "would I be more aroused if this was a man?". Of course my brain won't give me this answer it just stems more anxiety.

This is why I have set out to reboot.

I would genuinely have no problem with myself if I were gay, but my past tells me I'm not (no matter how much my mind tries to deny this when the HOCD/self doubt/anxiety kicks in).

Thanks for the help, and good luck

But have you explored the FAQ linked to by reginald??

I'm straight, but attracted to transexual or gay porn. What's up?

It has 15 more links at the botoom of the page. Your story is very similar to those with HOCD. You started with females, so it's highly likely you are straight. Bottom lline: If you think you are straight, you are straight. Your brain is desensitized, and looking for anything to jack it up. Could've been, midgets, donkeys, 90-year old women, whatever.

I have explored them

I have explored them extensively as well as similar stuff, what worries me is I think it has become a compulsion to read things like this to put my mind at ease, as it offers relief from anxiety during really bad patches, but only
temporarily. When i have a 'spike' I often have to stop whatever I'm doing and hit that article or one like it, even though I've read them all many times, it helps but the doubt nevertheless returns eventually.

It has become a real problem. I have lost all motivation, I am in my final year at university and it has become a genuine concern that this will affect my performance (I have previously maintained a pretty high standard of work). Over the past few weeks it has become difficult to resist the urge to just sleep 24/7, in this respect I am thankful I live in a shared house as It means I must maintain a social life.

But I'm trying to stay positive, and maintain a proactive approach.

Thank you all for your support, it really does help.

If you want this newly acquired brain pathway

to stop being arousing, then the best way is to stop analyzing it, thinking about it, and above all using it to get off. See what you notice in a month. This technique has been used successfully by people struggling with non-porn OCD, too.

We've just been working on a post about this issue, called, "Can You Trust Your Johnson?" (You can't necessarily...these days. Smile ) But here's an excerpt that includes what an expert said on an academic blog that has a lot of gay sexologists on it:

A more fundamental test of sexual attraction (or aversion) is: With whom do you want to do deep kissing?

Attraction and aversion are most powerfully displayed in the appeal of (or aversion to) engaging in intimate sexual activities that involve touch, body orifices, and body fluids such as saliva, vagina fluids or ejaculate. Men are generally much more “turned on” by the smells, orifices, and fluids of one sex than the other.

In fact, one expert we interviewed noted that men can have profound aversion to these characteristics of other gender—even to the point of nausea and vomiting (perhaps after the thrill of the “forbidden” or the effects of alcohol have passed).

Also keep in mind that men are often interested in looking at other men's genitals for the same reason women look at other women's breasts. They feel insecure...or boastful...and want to compare. Wink

Start a blog if you want to track your reboot, but do your best to stay off of this subject. The more you write and think about it, they more anxious you will be, and the stronger that loop gets in your brain. You can ask yourself the questions you're worrying about in a couple of months.

*big hug*

It seems to me that a large

It seems to me that a large portion of guys who watch porn excessively end up with a sexual fascination for penises. I guess this is HOCD, but from my own experience it isnt neccesarily something that causes shame and discomfort, at least not over the anonymity of the internet.

Thats why 18+ forums/imageboards ( for example), have such an interest in "traps" (shemale), and porn sites where you can comment on videos always have tonnes of comments on straight videos such as "Im a straight guy and I want to blow that dude", etc. Anime porn always has tonnes of shemales and other extra penises, because obviously people who draw porn spend tonnes of time around porn aswell.

Excessive porn use seems to just make people crave something new and strange, and a penis is such a strong symbol of sexuality that despite still being straight, they get a sexual thrill from it.

So I dont think youre gay. I guess its HOCD, but without actually knowing anything about HOCD, I think its just a result of too much porn.

If you stop watching porn and you find yourself checking out fully clothed guys, then you might be gay/bi, but the amount of I guess "bi-curious" tendencies around heavy porn exposure makes porn look like its responsable.


Interestingly, very sexually liberal people might call this curiosity a triumph for porn. Porn is eroding homophobia and returning society to the sexual freedom of....roman times. They ignore or overlook the difference between it and healthy homosexuality though.

I am pretty sure somewhere out there somebody is raging against diagnosing HOCD because they feel its homophobic.

Sometimes i think

too much is read into this kind of stuff. I don't mind saying if a guy is fit, or in attractive in real life. I don't find men sexually attractive myself, but i can have a conversation with a girl and understand why she would think that about a particular guy and don't mind using those terms. But yes, with porn addiction it isn't long before a good juicy cockshould be part of a good scene...for me i think its because in my head i believe it gives the woman greater pleasure...don't know, not sure i care. it's just a movie.

I like horror movies, but i don't condone and get sickened by murder in real life (not that homosexuality sickens me at all, we are all born different thats all, not good or bad).

Ok, so I guess I really have a problem

This is the first time I've tried to stop, I made it 4 days

The fact I failed just shows how much I really do need stop!

However, things are already clearer to me now. I definitely consider myself straight now. I am attracted to women (I am just currently unable to become aroused by them, but in time I'm sure that will return). The gay sexual arousal I mentioned in my original post is purely to do with genitals, I can't imagine myself kissing or being in a romance with a man.

Won't let this slip get me down.

Thanks :)

Glad you're feeling clearer

Just know that withdrawal usually has periods of anxiety in it, and anxiety, for you, is wired to this challenge. So the weird thoughts may pop up again.

Try not to analyze them...after you read this article we just wrote. I think you may recognize some of it.... Wink

Suggestion: start a new thread in your blog, so you can focus just on the challenge of giving up porn itself. Good suggestions for rewiring here:

Yeah, if you were truly gay,

Yeah, if you were truly gay, you would have felt this way all your life. You would have liked guys the way you like women. There would have been little doubt. Trust me, I am straight, but I have had a friend or two who were gay, and they talked about this stuff. The way I see it, either you're born that way, or it's cross-wired in by porn, and if it's cross wired, it's not your true nature.

Some people discover they are bisexual later though

It happens.

I think from what I read, alot of people here may potentially be bisexual but shocked and distressed by that implication . Our culture, even as "accepting" as it is, is still very homophobic. Alot of guys here are also the right age that sexual confusion is normal, and not something to obsesse about.

For what its worth, I had same sex fantasies before I discovered internet porn (it didn't exist at the time), but as a kid I did not think I was gay. But a few years ago I finally came out as bisexual (and I also discovered I have Asperger's). I don't consider myself addicted to porn anymore, although at one time I was a heavy user. But pornography helped me decide "yes, I am indeed bisexual". I like watching twinks, emos, and nerds going at it, beyond even "shemale" porn (much of which is laughable as I know some RL transsexuals that are nothing like this, and I myself am a bit genderqueer). It comes and goes, some days I feel only attracted to women. But in the end, that's part of the ambiguity of being bi. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with being bi, its perfectly OK. Just get rid of the fear of being gay and realize alot of guys also are bisexual. Bisexuality and open-mindedness opens a whole new window to appreciate people beyond treating people merely as objects or obstacles to be manipulated or bypassed.

On the contrary, I think porn can sometimes be good for finding out about what you are attracted to and exploring that. But I do agree it can be addictive and distorting. I never was into alot of hardcore porn, i preferred mostly softcore pornography, before briefly exploring gay porn to see if indeed my interest in homosexual feelings was genuine (I had fantasies beyond that, but was curious what would turn me on).

Just maturing and developing other interests

That helped alot. Also, i didn't have alot of shame attached to it, that helped. I don't see a problem with a little porn, and it helped me explore my feelings about same sex attractions (just watching amateur videos of young guys having sex, nothing too extreme). Now days the few times I masturbate, its not to porn and I love playing with toys etc, i don't need porn (I have some eretile dysfunction but i'm not sure its porn related, it could be due to prostatitis i had a year ago, to a bad last year full of grief or depression, its being looke at. I'm also single). Sometimes my fantasies are opposite sex, sometimes same sex, sometimes I masturbate with no fantasies at all.

Honestly I'd say don't worry about it

I had to deal with HOCD and am still dealing with it a little bit. It's something that you know isn't real but rather a stimulation from your brain because of random factors. The way I've learned to deal with it is either to ignore the thoughts, don't brood on them or try to analyze and justify and tell your self that your actually straight, just let them come and go. It's like if you would have a random thought of punching someone in the face, you wouldn't do it so just let the thought pass by. Another way is just make fun of it. Say your with your friend and you randomly think of kissing him or something, just say to yourself, "Oh man I'm so gay I totally want to kiss my friend".

Honestly, HOCD is something difficult I've had to deal with and made me look inside much more. I know I'm straight, ever since I started all I've thought about was the opposite sex I'm positive it was just the over stimulation of porn that got to me. The farther in my reboot I go the more HOCD does not affect me at all, and when I am relaxed on days I don't even remember having it. Just be thankful you didn't get ED that would have really done a number on you [blinzel].