one magical moment

Submitted by looking4balance on
Printer-friendly version

Hey all.. :)

Read this in some sexual addiction literature and strongly identified with it. It describes a certain type of sex addict
Craving/seeking: Validation, Erotic highs. distraction, One magical sexual attachment that will heal all wounds

Attracted to: “Hot” people for validation, Stable others who will care for them

Impersonal sex: Seeking instant validation with “perfect” others who are then found to be imperfect, resulting in serial, non-intimate relationships.

The thing that jumped out from the page and hit me the most was the line
[quote]"One magical sexual attachment that will heal all wounds"[/quote]

That's kind of what I meant when I wrote before about feeling, "If I could just have incredible sex with THE most beautiful, hot woman in the world and get her off while performing like a God, then I would be all better. Healed. All pain gone. Haha...deep down i think I really believe that ridiculous thought, even though consciously I know its impossible. But when i think about it, it makes sense. If that is my belief, then seeing a hot, sexy women would bring up this overactive response with the magical thinking, fantasizing, and sometimes resentment (you posses something I need to heal myself, i.e. your sex and/or your approval). That's really f--ked if I think that. I think it might also be a factor in the porn obsession, ie. searching for endless hours for the perfect technical execution of a certain sex act. If it can be found and witnessed, then no need to look anymore. Done with porn forever. Ha.

So how do we change a deep irrational belief that we consciously know is BS? I don't have access to hypnosis or any other exotic treatment due to where I am living right now. Simple approach?

In addition to exposing irrational beliefs, I am also looking at the external, (activities and lifestyle) to see ways I can stop hurting myself and others.

Lately I've been trying to think of healthy substitutes for those times when i reach for things that are damaging and interfere with recovery/healing. This way I don't feel I am just refraining/subtracting from my life, but rather adding healthy things. I am trying not only to list situations that are precarious for me in which I tend to make bad choices, but also what could be a more enriching and fun thing to do instead. In some of the groups I've been to they refer to "people, places and things". In early healing from addiction, I think its best to err on the side of caution. Examples being..

Typical Weekend Night Scenario 1:
Going out to pub/bar, drinking too much, maybe some karaoke, and then at the end of the night either thinking of using the girl I am with for sex or maybe becoming curious about massage parlors, know the rest.

Typical Weekend Night Scenario 2:
No one around, so stay at home. Not doing anything fun or nurturing. Feeling lonely. Not connecting with calling anyone, withdrawing. Start browsing internet and get know the rest.

Better Choices for a Weekend Night: Going out to dinner with a friend (no drinking), going to a bookstore and browsing interesting books, going to a cafe and reading, going to a movie alone or with a friend.

I think in general, I need to avoid drinking since I have trouble not binging when i drink and also need to make some male friends for balance. 95% of my friends are women and of those women, 75% are ones I either had sex with once or might like to in the future. Guess not really friends then. Wait, have I ever been actually FRIENDS with a woman where the thought of sex wasn't involved in some way? Uh oh. Better reflect on that one a bit..

Comments and thoughts welcome and appreciated, except critical ones that don't agree with me.. (joking)


Have you tried cycling? I

Have you tried cycling?

I read a book by Josie Dew who cycled around Japan. She's cycled in dozens of countries, always alone. She's young and nice looking. One scene stuck in my mind. She is passed on her route a few times by a leather clad biker. Once, he slows down enough to hand her a ice cold can of beer. They don't talk. Several days later, she chances on a natural rock pool in the middle of nowhere. She strips off and wallows in the steaming water. Minutes pass and then she hears a motorbike. The biker appears, in his heavy leather. Without a word and with no evident embarrassment, he peels off his clothes and gets into the pool opposite her. They sit there together for about half an hour without exchanging a word. As I remember it, there's barely more than a glance of recognition between them. Then, he clambours out, gets dressed, climbs on his bike and guns off into the distance. She stays a while longer. She sees him a couple more times on the road, later on her journey, and I think they maybe nod at each other.

I don't know what was going on in the biker's head, but it seems on the surface to have been a very chivalrous encounter. Maybe we all need some of that.

Mind you, Josie was pursued later in her journey by a very persistent flasher ...

wow, that's quite a story.

wow, that's quite a story. If I were that woman, I might be a little intimidated by a big biker guy showing up all time, almost like following me. Sounds like she just flowed with it, which is cool. Guess I worry too much, haa.

Biking might be a good idea, although on a Friday night in Tokyo, the roads are pretty tough for bikers! Countryside must be nice though.

Thanks for that story. I will look for that book.